View Full Version : I Went to Wal-Mart Today

Mota Boy
08-24-2005, 01:26 AM
As I pulled up at three, my still-empty stomach growling angrily, I thought "Lesson learned for today - don't go grocery shopping hungry". Well, I was wrong, I bought the right things - sandwich meat, frozen burgers, cheese, A1 with tabasco, bread, buns, canned soup and a single frozen pizza without so much as a single full-tackle of the Cheetos display. Instead, after being drawn into the sanitary-needs section by the promise of a great deal on Listerine (has anyone else noticed that that highly alcoholic brown household substance shares a bottle shape with cheap whisky?), I stumbled across my favorite part of Wal-Mart - the adult diaper section.

What I love best about the adult diaper section isn't the large, reassuring, brightly-toned boxes of things other people's grandparents shit in, it's the names written on those boxes of shit-receivers. I love those brand names. I love them because they're the epitome of marketing - they're named after everything they aren't. Let's start with the big brands.

Depends - Depends. DEPENDS. Think about the name that's supposed to convey to the elderly person that's lost control of their bowel functions. "When you can't depend on your own excretory system to hold in your waste, think of DEPENDS." You can always depend on the equivalent of a gigantic Maxi pad to hold it all in. Yeah, way to go Depends.

Poise - Poise. I love this name. "Poise". Now, the dictionary lists four main definitions of "poise". I think the makes of "Poise" were probably going for what's listed as the second definition - "Freedom from affectation or embarrassment; composure" - Certainly they weren't thinking of the first definition - "A state of balance or equilibrium; stability" - because that's not what I think of when I think of old people with uncontrollable bowels. And, even though it fits, I doubt they were thinking of the fourth definition - "A state or condition of hovering or being suspended" - because that's just unpleasant to think about.

Tranquility - What? "A state of peace and quiet". So... the message this is trying to send is "Shit yourself in complete comfort"? Are Tranquility diapers trying to sell the Zen of losing control of your bowel movements? Accept the things you cannot change, young grasshopper - use Tranquility brand adult diapers.

Even after a night of drinking, I've spent too much time on this, so lets skip past "Attends", "Dry Comfort" and "Goodnights" straight to my favorite name brand.

Options - Fucking Options. OPTIONS! I fucking love it! OPTIONS! Man, I can't get over this. Options! This carefully-named brand of adult diapers converys a message of control "Sir, no more must you sprint for the nearest bathroom. Now you have.... OPTIONS! Yes, now you have the OPTION, instead of embarking upon that painful quest, of shitting yourself! Yes, no more daily dilemmas of whether or not it's worth heading into the outside world, whether you should just confine yourself to your own home - now you have... OPTIONS!" God, I love that shit.

*insert cheap shot at L_nda here* (just checking to see whether she really reads everything or searches for her name)

08-24-2005, 01:55 AM
It's impossible to come up with a good name for adult diapers. They should all just come in blank packages with brand names in very very small print, because I'm sure even acknowledging their existence is a shot to the gut of the wearer.

08-24-2005, 01:58 AM
i would have thought that being in such a state means that you have NO options at all....you must let it all out. at once. while you're sitting in a café.


08-24-2005, 02:16 AM
Heh...Tranquility...That is SO fucking wrong.

08-24-2005, 04:10 AM
Haha, manufacturers don't know shit these days.

08-24-2005, 04:25 AM
This topic is fucking funny though slightly disturbing with the subject matter.

Finnish supermarkets hardly have a section like that. >_<

08-24-2005, 09:32 AM
This thread deserves more attention.

08-24-2005, 09:37 AM
no it doesn't.Yes. Yes it does.

[Warning] Nimrod In Town
08-24-2005, 09:38 AM
Too much reading. A quick review anybody?

08-24-2005, 09:39 AM
Nimrod In Town']Too much reading. A quick review anybody?A quick review? Ok:

Adult diapers have funny names.

08-24-2005, 09:46 AM
Nimrod In Town']Too much reading. A quick review anybody?
Sorry, your attention span must be this long to ride the Mota Boy.

Something else must be, too.

[Warning] Nimrod In Town
08-24-2005, 09:47 AM
A quick review? Ok:

Adult diapers have funny names.

Thank you . Now, i must read it.

08-24-2005, 10:13 AM
You do that. If you can.

08-24-2005, 12:28 PM
Wait- they have a section for diapers now? Like a whole 'section'? Or is that a lazy-man's word for couple of shelves of aduld diapers?

I'm trying to imagine a grandma telling her kids "you can go look for some candy now, but rememeber to meet me in the adult diapers section in five minutes"

Rag Doll
08-24-2005, 12:42 PM
I always thought it was just shelves, near the tampons.

Hopefully it's just a few shelves =\

08-24-2005, 01:29 PM
I printed out the first post. Funny shit.

I knew it would be good when i saw Wal-mart in the topic.

08-24-2005, 01:41 PM
You mean to tell me you don't have Tena Lady and Tena Unisex over there? Ohmylyfe!

08-24-2005, 08:52 PM
Because it was a wonderful read, as always. I am always entertained by the time of posting.

Also, those names remind me of another product: Instead (http://www.softcup.com/sex_main.php)

08-25-2005, 01:02 AM
Haha awesome, it's a waste of good lube tho.