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Mota Boy
11-10-2005, 12:52 AM
A little while ago Betty had a thread about procrastination and what one does during it. Well, tomorrow I have an exam in Themes in Modern China, and I've spent more time researching the career of Joe Piscopo for an article for my school's Onion clone than I have any Communist party members.

This is a rough draft, so it contains a fair amount of placeholder jokes and forced writing. And no, I have no clue where the hell any this came from.

For some reason, roommate really hates Joe Piscopo

From the outside, everything appears normal on Vandy 4 – taking a stroll down the hall, the casual observer would take in the usual dorm sites – doors personalized with Family Guy quotes, Halo tournaments and the occasional passed-out freshman being dragged away by paramedics. However, the normal exterior belies an eccentric secret. According to freshman Alex Franklin, for some inexplicable reason, his roommate Roy Wyman really hates Joe Piscopo, the actor and comedian who briefly gained fame as a member of the cast of Saturday Night Live from 1980-1984.

“Now, I’ve had friends before that would go on the occasional rant about how they could take Jean-Claude Van Damme, or how they’d like to throttle Ashlee Simpson, but those are usually just passing moments of spite, not the intense, burning rage that seems to be fueling Roy. I mean, I thought he was just a little more into it than most… that was, before I saw the website.” Franklin said, referring to www.diepiscopo.com, his roommates’ self-described “Anti-Piscopo Database”.

According to Franklin, Wyman “seemed normal enough” at first, but quickly began to show signs of his peculiar fixation. “We’d been rooming together for, like, three days when ‘We Didn’t Start the Fire’ came up on my iTunes and suddenly [Wyman] whips around and says ‘Is that Billy Joel?’ as if I’d just let one rip. I thought he just wasn’t a Billy Joel fan until he continued with ‘I can’t stand that douchebag. Did you know that he had Joe Piscopo in his “Keepin’ the Faith” music video?’ So of course, I ask him who Joe Piscopo is. Oh boy, if there’s one thing I regret since coming to college…”

Wyman has been known to rant for hours on end about every facet of Piscopo’s professional and personal life, including his “total brown-nosing kiss-ass buttbuddy” relationship with Frank Sinatra, who Piscopo impersonated often on Saturday Night Live, his “god-awful” movie “American Tickler”, his steroid controversy in the early 1990’s and his decision to live in New Jersey.

It’s difficult to trace the source of Wyman’s deep-seated hatred. According to some sources, he’s known to be a big fan of the movie Sidekicks, so it’s possible that he has confused Piscopo’s personality with that of his character Kelly Stone. However, Franklin dismisses this idea. “Roy just likes Sidekicks because he loves seeing Piscopo get his ass kicked. I swear, I must’ve watched that fucking scene three hundred times by now.” Wyman has also been known to rant about Joe remaining on Saturday Night Live after the disastrous 1980 season, when everyone but Piscopo and Eddie Murphy were given the axe, naming in particular Charles Rocket, Denny Dillon, Gilbert Gottfried and Ann Risley as all being superior to Piscopo, causing some to speculate if he just loves that particular season and blames Piscopo for its failure.

At any rate, the mysteries surrounding Wyman’s obsession with Piscopo are unlikely to be solved since his untimely departure from school last Thursday. The sudden turn of events has left Franklin with unanswered questions, a large single and a philosophic outlook. “One day your roommate seems normal, the next he’s being hauled away by police for sending threatening letters to Joe Piscopo. Man, that’s some weird shit.”