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Taime13
11-16-2005, 08:38 AM
lets post some jokes really funny one plz

A lady walks into a bar and sees a really cute guy sitting at the counter. She goes over and asks him what he is drinking.

"Magic Beer", he says

She thinks he's a little crazy, so she walks around the bar, but after that there is no one else worth talking to,goes back to the man sitting at the bar and says,"That isn't really Magic Beer, is it?"

"Yes, I'll show you." He takes a drink of the beer, jumps out the window,flies around the building 3 times and comes back in the window.

The lady can't believe it: "I bet you can't do that again."

He takes another drink of beer, jumps out the window, flies around the building three times, and comes back in the window.

She is so amazed that she says she wants a Magic Beer, so the guy says to the bartender, "Give her one of what I'm having."

She gets her drink, takes a gulp of the beer, jumps out the window, plummets 30 stories, breaks every bone in her body, and dies.

The bartender looks up at the guy and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk!"

ninthlayer
11-16-2005, 08:40 AM
Old and lame, way to make a first impression. You're a shining example of your culture.

Little_Miss_1565
11-16-2005, 08:50 AM
Q: What's the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?
A: You can't shovel bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Q: What's the difference between a Ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
A: I don't have a Ferarri in my garage.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: The five-year-old in my trunk.

Sunny
11-16-2005, 08:55 AM
ahahahah i love the last one.

Preocupado
11-16-2005, 08:55 AM
Old and lame, way to make a first impression. You're a shining example of your culture.


Do you really need to make a comment like that?

ninthlayer
11-16-2005, 04:24 PM
Para necessito.

Offspring-Fanatic
11-16-2005, 04:37 PM
okay i just posted this one on another thread but i like it:


A blonde moves into a house, and she doesn't know what to name it. So she goes to her neighbor for help.

"Neighbor neighbor! What should I name my house?" She goes running.
The neighbor's weirded out, and doesn't know what to say. So he says,
"The first thing you see on TV"
So the blonde goes back to her house, turns on the TV, and the first thing she sees on TV, is a big, hairy, butt. So, she names her house big hairy butt.
Then, she gets a dog. She doesn't know what to name her dog. So again she goes running to her neighbor.

"Neighbor neighbor! What should I name my dog?"
"The first thing you see in a window."
So, she looks in the window, and she sees a crack. She names her dog crack.

Then, one day, she loses her dog. She goes running to the police.
She screams, "Police police! I've looked all over my big hairy butt and I can't find my crack!"

the_GoDdEsS
11-16-2005, 04:40 PM
Laaame, I giggled at the ones 1565 posted.

Offspring-Fanatic
11-16-2005, 04:44 PM
fine you may think its lame but people more my age would think it was funny.

Taime13
11-16-2005, 04:51 PM
Things I hate about everybody...

1.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time...
I know where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2.
People who are willing to get off their arse to search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.

3.
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too".
F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4.
When people say "it's always the last place you look".
Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5.
When people say while watching a film "did you see that?".
No tosser, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6.
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".
Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7.
When something is 'new and improved!'.
Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8.
When people say "life is short".
What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9.
When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?".
If the bus came would I be standing here, Knobhead?

10.
People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'.
So what did they used to be? Ears? Wellington boots?

11.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?'
No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12.
People who announce they are going to the toilet.
Thanks, that's an image I really didn't need.

13.
McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you unless you insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering...
It has to be a McChicken Burger, NOT just a Chicken Burger you get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you Mcf*cking McTosser.

14.
When you’re involved in a accident and someone asks 'are you alright?'
Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.

hope you liked them all or some

ps ninthlayer at least we all have senses of humor which we are using unlike you who seem to be more of a suit

Offspring-Fanatic
11-16-2005, 05:00 PM
you didnt make that up. I'm sorry i had to say that. i apologize. But i got that in an e-mail a long time ago...it truly wonderful.

And the US is the place where you could (not anymore but) Get a supersize fry and huge burger...with a Diet Coke.

ninthlayer
11-16-2005, 05:49 PM
ps ninthlayer at least we all have senses of humor which we are using unlike you who seem to be more of a suit
Yes, I am a suit.
I just have a well developed sense of humour and don't laugh at extremely old and lame jokes. I did like:

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
Because it's the only one that I haven't heard a million times before.

JohnnyNemesis
11-16-2005, 05:52 PM
Is this a joke thread, or a "post old e-mail chain letters" thread?

I have a baseball joke that was e-mailed to me by a friend. Not a chain, thankfully. I have a few baseball ones actually:

--

A man walks into a bar where the patrons are laughing together.
"What's so funny?" he asks.

The bartender answers, "Oh, we're just taking the names of our hometown
baseball teams and tweaking them so they come out badly."

"Here's mine," says a woman at the bar, "The New York Yank-Me's!"

"Mine's the Houston Disastros!" says another bar patron.

"The Seattle Moroners!"

"The Chicago Flubs!"

The bartender looks at the new guy and says, "So how can you change your
home squad's name so that it sounds like a joke of a team?"

The man looks up at the bartender sadly and sighs, "Oh, that's easy; you
can just call them the Detroit Tigers."

--
Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when
one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy
takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking
the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and
rushes over to the boy. "Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious
Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were," said the
reporter, and he began writing again.

"Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in
his notebook.

"I'm not a Cubs fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What
team do you root for?" inquired the reporter. "I'm a Yankees fan," the
child responded.

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote "Little Bastard
from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

--

WebDudette
11-16-2005, 06:04 PM
fine you may think its lame but people more my age would think it was funny.

No, no they wouldn't.

All About Eve
11-16-2005, 06:09 PM
No, no they wouldn't.

Sadly enough, a large majority of them would. Johnny, the Tigers joke was cruel.

WebDudette
11-16-2005, 06:17 PM
Not anyone I've ever talked to.

Taime13
11-16-2005, 06:17 PM
i only made this post for people to post so jokes but it seems next to no one are posting any and i didnt get those things i hate about everybody people jokes in a email they are from a show billy connily did and he invented them i found them from a site about him

All About Eve
11-16-2005, 06:17 PM
Maybe you're not in her age group.

WebDudette
11-16-2005, 06:19 PM
Oh, but I'am and if you know 14 yeard old who laugh at that I'am ashamed of them.

Offspring7
11-16-2005, 06:19 PM
Is this a joke thread, or a "post old e-mail chain letters" thread?

I have a baseball joke that was e-mailed to me by a friend. Not a chain, thankfully. I have a few baseball ones actually:


--
Two boys are playing hockey on an inlet on a pond in suburban Chicago when
one is attacker by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy
takes his stick and wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking
the dog's neck. A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident and
rushes over to the boy. "Young White Sox Fan Saves Friend from Vicious
Animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Sox fan," the little hero replied.

"Sorry, since we are in Chicago, I just assumed you were," said the
reporter, and he began writing again.

"Cubs Fan Rescues Friends from Horrific Attack," he continued writing in
his notebook.

"I'm not a Cubs fan either," the boy said.

"I assumed everyone in Chicago was either for the Cubs or the Sox. What
team do you root for?" inquired the reporter. "I'm a Yankees fan," the
child responded.

The reporter turned the page in his notebook and wrote "Little Bastard
from New York Kills Beloved Family Pet."

--

i've heard this one before, but its still hilarious.

All About Eve
11-16-2005, 06:23 PM
i only made this post for people to post so jokes but it seems next to no one are posting any and i didnt get those things i hate about everybody people jokes in a email they are from a show billy connily did and he invented them i found them from a site about him

Dead baby jokes seemed to be a hit, so here are a couple more.

Q: Why did the baby drop its lollipop?
A: It was hit by a truck.

Q: What's grosser than 10 dead babies in a trashcan"
A: A dead baby in 10 trashcans.

And another, not of the dead baby variety.

Q1: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
A1: He was dead.
Q2: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?
A2: He was stapled to the monkey.

(probably heard them, but whatever.)

Taime13
11-16-2005, 06:31 PM
i dont find the dead baby jokes that funny and ive heard that dead monkey joke a while ago and various versions we set a post up on another site about that to see how long we could go for maybe someone might want to do it here so we are able to see how long it goes on for

All About Eve
11-16-2005, 06:33 PM
No that's okay.

WebDudette
11-16-2005, 06:36 PM
we set a post up on another site about that to see how long we could go for maybe someone might want to do it here so we are able to see how long it goes on for

Someone want to translate this for me. Oo

All About Eve
11-16-2005, 06:37 PM
Someone want to translate this for me. Oo

Something about a chain thread, just say no to it and move on.

0r4ng3
11-16-2005, 06:38 PM
I got one:

A guy walks into a bar, and suffers a minor concussion.

nieh
11-16-2005, 06:44 PM
Two guys walked into a bar, which was pretty stupid because the second guy should have dodged it.

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 07:15 PM
A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table.Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck,
I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day.After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said,"These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor" "sometimes the bull wins".

GBH2
11-16-2005, 07:24 PM
okay i just posted this one on another thread but i like it:


A blonde moves into a house, and she doesn't know what to name it. So she goes to her neighbor for help.

"Neighbor neighbor! What should I name my house?" She goes running.
The neighbor's weirded out, and doesn't know what to say. So he says,
"The first thing you see on TV"
So the blonde goes back to her house, turns on the TV, and the first thing she sees on TV, is a big, hairy, butt. So, she names her house big hairy butt.
Then, she gets a dog. She doesn't know what to name her dog. So again she goes running to her neighbor.

"Neighbor neighbor! What should I name my dog?"
"The first thing you see in a window."
So, she looks in the window, and she sees a crack. She names her dog crack.

Then, one day, she loses her dog. She goes running to the police.
She screams, "Police police! I've looked all over my big hairy butt and I can't find my crack!"

wtf? i heard that joke like 10 years ago.

NDM1
11-16-2005, 07:26 PM
Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other.

After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood. Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

NDM1
11-16-2005, 07:27 PM
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some a$$hole's got my pen."

:Sorry for the double post, i just found this one after i posted.

WebDudette
11-16-2005, 07:29 PM
At the bottom right corner of your posts theres a edit botton.

GBH2
11-16-2005, 07:30 PM
Is this a joke thread, or a "post old e-mail chain letters" thread?

I have a baseball joke that was e-mailed to me by a friend. Not a chain, thankfully. I have a few baseball ones actually:

--

A man walks into a bar where the patrons are laughing together.
"What's so funny?" he asks.

The bartender answers, "Oh, we're just taking the names of our hometown
baseball teams and tweaking them so they come out badly."

"Here's mine," says a woman at the bar, "The New York Yank-Me's!"

"Mine's the Houston Disastros!" says another bar patron.

"The Seattle Moroners!"

"The Chicago Flubs!"

The bartender looks at the new guy and says, "So how can you change your
home squad's name so that it sounds like a joke of a team?"

The man looks up at the bartender sadly and sighs, "Oh, that's easy; you
can just call them the Detroit Tigers."

--

--

i guess i'm missing something.

:confused:

NDM1
11-16-2005, 07:46 PM
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 07:51 PM
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

That's horrible, but I think mine was worse.

Taime13
11-16-2005, 08:12 PM
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."[/QUOTE]

i liked that one a lot

"A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."




And i know some of you might of heard it before (got it in email, off a site) but i dont care that much just as long as you post a joke afterwards

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 08:18 PM
The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

i liked that one a lot

"A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke." The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62." Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "But sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."




And i know some of you might of heard it before (got it in email, off a site) but i dont care that much just as long as you post a joke afterwards[/QUOTE]

That's one of those jokes that makes me groan after I hear it. It's really bad.





If an American owl goes, "HOO! HOO!" what does a Mexican owl say?































"Quien! Quien!"

Taime13
11-16-2005, 08:21 PM
that joke i put was meant to do that i always do one kind of those jokes sometime
plus i didnt get ur joke one bit

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 08:23 PM
that joke i put was meant to do that i always do one kind of those jokes sometime
plus i didnt get ur joke one bit

My owl joke? Get a spanish dictionary and look up Quien. Then you'll get it.

barangatang
11-16-2005, 08:29 PM
What do you get when you cross a mexican and a octopus?




I don't know but it can sure can pick a lot of strawberries.



How do you say "fuck you" in jewish?

"Trust me"

Rancid_Guyxxx
11-16-2005, 08:32 PM
What do Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder have in common?
They're both niggers.

Why can't Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder read?
They're both niggers.

My post count is now 1337. Go me.

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 08:32 PM
What do you get when you cross a mexican and a octopus?




I don't know but it can sure can pick a lot of strawberries.



How do you say "fuck you" in jewish?

"Trust me"

Being a Mexican myself, I am offended. We pick beans, not strawberries.

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 08:33 PM
What do Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder have in common?
They're both niggers.

Why can't Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder read?
They're both niggers.

That was just plain wrong.

Taime13
11-16-2005, 08:33 PM
whats the difference between a lemon and a monkeys ass?



Suck them and see!

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 08:37 PM
whats the difference between a lemon and a monkeys ass?



Suck them and see!

No thanks. That sounds a like a job for Duracell.

That Punk Kid You Love
11-16-2005, 09:27 PM
The Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for early retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officers got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted, asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a grizzly old Captain who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, "From the tip of my penis to my testicles." It was suggested by the pension man that he may want to reconsider, explaining about the nice checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Captain insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Captain to "drop em", which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Captain's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he suddenly exclaimed, "Where are your testicles?" The Captain calmly replied..."In Vietnam."

Taime13
11-16-2005, 09:59 PM
that punk kid u love do u know that joke has already been posted if ur gonna post plz put a new joke

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 10:01 PM
that punk kid u love do u know that joke has already been posted if ur gonna post plz put a new joke

believe me, he knows (considering it was reposted word for word). He's just spamming again.

That Punk Kid You Love
11-16-2005, 10:04 PM
believe me, he knows (considering it was reposted word for word). He's just spamming again.


Spamming again? Ive never spammed and I didn't know. I don't read threads word for word. You want another joke fine!


A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

If that already posted well fuck you its posted again.

.:SMASH:.
11-16-2005, 10:07 PM
whats the difference between jesus and asians?

jesus got the message and went home

Drummerguy123
11-16-2005, 10:08 PM
Spamming again? Ive never spammed and I didn't know. I don't read threads word for word. You want another joke fine!


A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to endorse a check. She reaches in her pocket and pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.

She looks up at the teller, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, and says, "Well that's great. Some asshole's got my pen."

If that already posted well fuck you its posted again.

Need I say any more?

.:SMASH:.
11-16-2005, 10:08 PM
Need I say any more?
good one, now people wont see my joke

Telekinesis
11-16-2005, 10:23 PM
I already posted this joke in another thread but people seemed to like it

A man is walking down the street and he sees a really hot woman. He goes up to her and says "I'd like to have sex with you" then the woman replies "I'm sorry but I can't, I'm a nun" a bus had just pulled into the bus stop and the bus driver had heard their conversation and the bus driver feeling sorry for the poor bloke tells him to go to church on Sunday, dress like a priest and tell the lady that God commanded then to sleep together. So the man goes to church on Sunday and dresses like a priest. He goes up to the lady and says "I talked to God and he said that I must have sex with you" then the lady replies "Well if God said so then I must obey" So the man and the woman have sex and after they have done it the man jumps up, rips off the disguise and says "Tada! It's the guy from the street!" then the lady jumps up and "Tada it's the busdriver!"


Here's another one, it's a bit immature though

A man is working at a resturant, then a man runs in and asks for a fork, so he give's the guy a fork then another man comes in asking for a fork, so he gives him one,then 5 more people come in asking for forks but then a man comes in and asks for a straw. The guy who works at the resturant says "Sure I'll give you one, but how come everyone else was asking for a fork?" then the other man replies "Someone threw up in the street and all the chucky bits are gone"


and here's another good one

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a retarded boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty !' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'Jesus Christ!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary fell back to sleep.Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'


If you wanna read some more of my jokes go to this page of my website, oh by the way I nicked someones testicle joke coz I thought it was funny, tell me your name and I'll mention you on my site http://www.piczo.com/thebrinkofinsanity?g=4890593&cr=2

.:SMASH:.
11-16-2005, 10:29 PM
Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, 'Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?' When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, a retarded boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty !' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good' and Mary fell back to sleep. A while later the teacher asked Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. 'Jesus Christ!' shouted Mary and the teacher said, 'Very good,' and Mary fell back to sleep.Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, 'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'


If you wanna read some more of my jokes go to this page of my website, oh by the way I nicked someones testicle joke coz I thought it was funny, tell me your name and I'll mention you on my site http://www.piczo.com/thebrinkofinsanity?g=4890593&cr=2
that was classic! best joke all year! two thumbs up! hahahahaha!

JohnnyNemesis
11-17-2005, 08:37 AM
good one, now people wont see my joke

Goddamn, you're fucking stupid.

Preocupado
11-17-2005, 09:03 AM
Two penguins were in an iceberg when a ray strickes and divides the iceberg in two. Now, sailing to opposite sides, they scream:
- Good bye, penguin!
- Good bye, KOOCHIE KOO!

JohnnyNemesis
11-17-2005, 09:28 AM
I don't get that one...and I love penguins.

One of my favorites is one that no one ever gets or laughs at. I'm convinced that the only two people who find it funny are me and the person who told me this joke:

--

A Rabbi, a Priest, a Mormon, an African king, and a Swedish nurse walk into a bar, each carrying a talking duck under one arm and a full grown tortoise under the other.

The bartender steps back, asseses the situation, looks at all of them and says "...what the FUCK?!"

--

the_offsprings_monkey
11-17-2005, 09:34 AM
I don't get that one...and I love penguins.

One of my favorites is one that no one ever gets or laughs at. I'm convinced that the only two people who find it funny are me and the person who told me this joke:

--

A Rabbi, a Priest, a Mormon, an African king, and a Swedish nurse walk into a bar, each carrying a talking duck under one arm and a full grown tortoise under the other.

The bartender steps back, asseses the situation, looks at all of them and says "...what the FUCK?!"

--
Hummm I think I might get it.

Preocupado
11-17-2005, 09:48 AM
A penguin was sailing on top of his iceberg when the unbelievable cold water white shark jumps out of the water and attacks the penguin. Instinctively, the penguin evades, but it's wing is caught by the shark's enormous jaws and the penguin is brandished in the air like a trophy. The warm blood of the penguin sprinkles the iceberg creating numerous red melted ice craters. The penguin feels it's skin shredding like it's not it's body that's being chewed.

- It's not my body... QUACK!

But it is. And the quack followed the sound of crumbling. It's just that the whole life flashing throught the brain and the adrenaline rush didn't leave room for the pain.
Unfortunetly, the following last 7 seconds are pure misery and pain, until the penguin finally has a glimpse of a penguin's fin floating around in strange fluids, just before evrything turned black.

In the distance, a sobbing scream is heard:

-KOOCHIE KOO! LITTLE KOOCHIES! BOOOOHOOOO!

coke_a_holic
11-17-2005, 01:12 PM
fine you may think its lame but people more my age would think it was funny.
No we wouldn't. That joke wasn't even funny when I first heard it 5 years ago.

ALSO:

Two men walk into a bar. One's got a stork under one arm and a talking cat (who, might I add, was very suave and debonaire). The other has a foot tall man and a small piano. They both sit down and order a round as the cat smooth talks some ladies and the little man plays the piano. The bartender's just staring at them, before finally opening his mouth.

He asks the first man with the cat and stork, "Okay, what's with the animals?"

The man replies, "Oh there's a tree a while back that'll grant you one wish if you ask it!"

The bartender is intrigued as to what the man wished for, however.
"So, why exactly did you want a talking cat and a stork?"

The man shakes his head and says, "This isn't what I wanted at all! I asked for a bird with long legs and a tight pussy!"

The bartender just says "Well, I guess you should be careful what you wish for. He turns to the other man, and after staring at the small man playing the piano shrugs and says, "I give up, why would you want a little piano player?

The man scoffs and says, "Why would I ever want a 12 inch pianist?"

xaylene
11-19-2005, 06:05 PM
Q: What's the difference between a pile of bowling balls and a pile of dead babies?
A: You can't shovel bowling balls with a pitchfork.

Q: What's the difference between a Ferarri and a pile of dead babies?
A: I don't have a Ferarri in my garage.

Q: What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
A: The five-year-old in my trunk.


OMFG!!!!! I friggin love dead baby jokes,
Q: what is blue and pink and comes outin cubes?
A: a baby in an ice compactor


"Mommy's busy sweetie, go play in the freezer."

Q: how many babies does it take to paint a house?
A: trick question, it depends on how hard you throw em.

Q: what is brown and bubbly and taps on glass?
A: A baby in a microwave.-