Chuck Norris

[Rancid_Guyxxx]

I'm sure a lot of you have recieved the email, or even heard about it. This may even be on the boards somewhere, but anyway,

>>>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
>>>
>>>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
>>>instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
>>>thereafter he grew a
beard.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
>>>beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
>>>the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
>>>with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
>>>amazement.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
>>>could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
>>>DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out
>>>her throat. Holding
>>>his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
>>>fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the
>>>irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a
>>>hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>>>and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
>>>transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in
>>>the face and took his soul
>>>back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
>>>admitted he
>>>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
>>>Wednesday of the month.
>>>
>>>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
>>>smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
>>>different kinds of cancer only to rid
them from his body by
>>>flexing for 30 minutes.
>>>Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
>>>
>>>The
>>>original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
>>>Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
>>>disguise,"and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended
>>>the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into
>>>pick-up trucks. This was far too much awesome for a single show,
>>>however, so it was divided.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
>>>gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
>>>Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
>>>combined influence to
>>>have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
>>>roundhouse kick related deaths.
>>>
>>>If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at
>>>the same time?
>>>
>>>Answer: Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
>>>said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went
>>>into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live
>>>turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later
>>>it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
>>>asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
>>>face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with
his finger, by
>>>yelling, "Bang!"
>>>
>>>A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
>>>Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
>>>saying "booya".
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
>>>roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
>>>and shit on their
>>>floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Before each filming of
>>>Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the
>>>lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to
limit
>>>his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality
>>>rate of the actors he fights.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
>>>yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I
>>>already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
>>>clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
>>>it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
>>>
>>>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
>>>His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
>>>are black belts
in every form if martial arts and they roundhouse
>>>kick the shit out of
>>>viruses. That's
>>>why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
>>>so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
>>>put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
>>>"his" way.
>>>
>>>One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
>>>that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
>>>tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give
>>>him exact
change.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>>>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>>>
>>>After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
>>>bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck
>>>Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
>>>
>>>If you can
>>>see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
>>>you may be only seconds away from death.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
>>>who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying
>>>Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about,"
>>>and roundhouse kicks them in the
face.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the
>>>director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I
>>>can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face
>>>
>>>It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force:
>>>the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he
>>>pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will
>>>blow up upon impact.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
>>>
>>>A
>>>ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
>>>this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply
stare at you
>>>grimly.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on mortal kombat 2 on
>>>the Sega genesis.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
>>>

[Rancid_Guyxxx]

>>>There are in fact 31 letters of the English alphabet however only
>>>Chuck Norris knows what the extra 5 letters are.
>>>
>>>Occasionally Chuck Norris will call up the power rangers just to
>>>say hi.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
>>>
>>>If Chuck Norris had a dollar and you had a dollar, Chuck would
>>>kick your ass and take your dollar.
>>>
>>>Every piece of furniture in Chuck
Norris' house is a total gym.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can divide by zero
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris caught all 386 Pokemon in just under 2.7 seconds. He
>>>says he
>>>won't trade any of them for anything.
>>>
>>>If superman and the flash were to race to the edge of space you
>>>know who would win: Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>In one episode of fresh prince of bel air, Chuck Norris replaced
>>>Carlton for one scene and nobody noticed.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped
>>>him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a
>>>joker, a get out of jail free monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of
>>>spades and a green #4 card from the game
uno.
>>>
>>>On the 7th day, god rested. Chuck Norris took over.
>>>
>>>One time while sparring with wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally
>>>lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very
>>>day by its technical term: Jupiter.
>>>
>>>Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the blue ringed
>>>octopus of eastern Australia, is the most venomous creature on
>>>earth. Within 3
>>>minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following
>>>symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the
>>>jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car
>>>windshield.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris told Kid Rock that God doesn't know why, but Chuck

>>>Norris does.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris wrote every single edition of the Choose Your Own
>>>Adventure books. He wrote them all under pennames to hide the fact
>>>that they are autobiographical.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris prefers Mr. Pibb to Dr. Pepper. When asked why, he
>>>responded, "I don't trust doctors." He proceeded to shot laser
>>>beams out of his eyes and ate the hearts of everyone in the room.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris is actually Jeeves from AskJeeves.com
>>>
>>>Rather that being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
>>>instead decided to punch his way from his mother's womb. Shortly
>>>thereafter he grew a beard.
>>>
>>>The orginal
>>>theme song to the Transformers was
actually "Chuck Norris-more
>>>than meets the eye, Chuck Norris robot in disguise," and starred
>>>Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
>>>drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up truck. This
>>>was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was
>>>divided.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris has every single copy of National Geographic in his
>>>basement. He also has the ability to lift every single one of them
>>>at once.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris wears a rattlesnake as a live condom.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris lives by one rule: No Asian Chicks.
>>>
>>>The role of Alf, from the hit 80s TV show of the same name was
>>>actually played by Chuck Norris'
penis.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris eats pieces of metal for breafast and shits out a
>>>tool shed at lunch.
>>>
>>>In 1945, Adolf Hitler was really kicked to death by a five year
>>>old Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Mr. Clean
>>>is really Chuck Norris with a shaved head and an ear-ring.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris also played the Black guy in Walker Texas Ranger.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris found a portal to Hell where he repeatedly gave the
>>>Devil a round house kick to the face.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris invented american flag pants.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris has slept with a woman from every country except
>>>China and Japan.
>>>"No Asian chicks."
>>>
>>>Chuck
Norris invented the beard.
>>>
>>>In the 80's it was discovered that President Reagan had an
>>>inoperable growth on his brain. Rather than letting him die, they
>>>shrunk Chuck Norris and injected him into President Reagan. There,
>>>he fought the tumor and defeated it with a round house kick to the
>>>face. The tumor died and Chuck Norris safely exited Ronald Regan's
>>>body. Chuck Norris then had Reagan's tumor mounted on his wall
>>>next to the elephant that he killed with his bare hands and
>>>the dinosaur he shot on his hunting expedition to the Jurassic
>>>Period.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris has no use for books since he has a little computer
>>>that just downloads information into his brain. He likes to think

>>>Charles Dickens' stories while he works out.
>>>
>>>During the 1970's he taught The Price is Right host Bob Barker
>>>karate.(True)
>>>
>>>Every night at 8:00, a truck pulls up to Chuck Norris' house. In
>>>the truck are a bunch of orphans. For the next half-hour, Chuck
>>>Norris practices roundhouse kicks on the orphans while "It's a
>>>Hard Knock Life" plays in the background. At the end of the
>>>session, the orphans say "Thank you, Mr. Norris." in perfect
>>>unison, then march into the truck in silence.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris' penis is so large, that he in fact has to tie it
>>>around his left leg so that it doesn't get in the way of his
>>>round-house kick.
>>>
>>>Chuck
Norris killed the Pope with a
>>>roundhouse kick to the chest after an argument over who had a
>>>better beard, Jesus or Norris.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris saw evil, spoke evil, and heard evil. Then he gave
>>>evil a sharp roundhouse kick to the head.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris diabolically invented Vin Diesel in an effort to help
>>>win WWII.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris came up with the idea for the Total Gym after trying
>>>to bench press his own penis. He found that he needed to start
>>>with a lighter weight and work his way up.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris commands all five lions of Voltron simultaneously.
>>>
>>>After reading the Letters to the Editor in his local newspaper,
>>>Chuck Norris became enraged
at the fact that Richard Dean Anderson
>>>was considered sexier by women in the coveted 65+ demographic. To
>>>increase his sex appeal to older women, Chuck Norris tried to
>>>build a Missle Defense System out of a tube of chapstick, six
>>>rubber bands, a spork from
>>>KFC and a copy of Sports by Huey Lewis and the News. This soon
>>>became the prototype for the Total Body Gym Workout Machine.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris is actually just Bob Saget in his invincible mech
>>>suit.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris has covered his entire house in tinfoil to prevent
>>>Steven Seagal and Vin Diesel from collectively applying the
>>>force-choke to him. When applying the tinfoil, he inadvertantly
>>>applied it shiny-side down, thus
effectively drawing heat from teh
>>>sun into his house. The resulting oven-like enclosure actually
>>>damaged his skin and deadened his nerve-endings, giving him his
>>>freakish ability to withstand pain.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris is a mammal. Chuck Norris fights ALL the time. The
>>>purpose of Chuck Norris is to flip out and roundhouse kick people.
>>>
>>>Before email was invented Chuck Norris would attach pictures of
>>>his roundhouse kicks to pigeons and roundhouse kick
>>>them.

[TheUnholyNightbringer]

I've seen it before, but it's still hilarious.

[nieh]

Some of them are alright. The Shaq Facts were better.

[T-6005]

I haven't seen the Shaq facts, but that was pretty good.

[Jakebert]

Those wouldn't be funny if they wern't about Chuck Norris, but even saying his name is hilarious.

[nieh]

1) I lost my virginity to Shaq.
2) Shaq's favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip.
3) Shaq drives a car like everyone else.
4) Shaq owns a nice house. I went there, I was like, "petty nice house ya got here, Shaq."
5) Shaq helps me with math.
6) Shaq can draw really well.
7) Shaq does a great impression of R2D2.
8) Shaq is allergic to mustard.
9) Shaq plays basketball.
10) Shaq doesn't like hip hop but is a huge fan of blues.
11) Shaq's father's name was not Kevin or Bill. It wasn't even Jacob.
12) Shaq does not play video games. he would much rather cuddle up in front of the warm fire with a good book.
13) Shaq isn't responsible for OJ Simpson's wife's death.
14) Shaq is not responsible for the sinking of the Titanic... but Marvin Gaye is.
15) Shaq's hobbies include dressing up as women, and hiding in trees.
16) Shaq gets mistaken for Wolverine a lot. Cut that shit out. He isn't Wolverine.
17) sometimes when Shaq gets bored, he'll invite some friends over and play a game of Pictionary.
18) Shaq only eats turkey on thanksgiving. Then he watches the parade on TV.
19) Shaq has never performed oral sex on Barbara Bush. It was a vicious rumor started by none other than Dennis Rodman and Sylvester Stallone.
20) Shaq was a grade a gymnastics student in high school. He also liked modern dance
21) Shaq has mild Arthiritus in his left kneecap.
22) Shaq keeps a garden gnome in his bedside drawer.
23) For the record: Shaq was never in favor of World War I.
24) Shaq did not once try to fart on Gary Coleman's head. Nor was it ever a rumor.
25) Shaq keeps a livejournal. He is close friends with lakerz86 and manwomanprobably94.
26) Shaq loved the Simpsons Butterfinger commercials, and owns them all on recorded Betamax.
27) Shaq once put coffee granules under running water, squashed them into cubes and sold them to his teammates as illegal substances. Boy were they ever mad?
28) Shaq is not in favor of racial slurs. Except for, 'chink.'
29) Shaq used to idolize Michael J. Fox. That is, until Michael got Parkinsons. Shaq thinks he is just "alright" now.
30) Shaq demands a refund for that chicken sandwich he got at Burger King the other day. Give the man his money, you mother fuckers. It had a hair on it.
31) When Shaq dies, a bomb will destroy Tokyo.
32) Shaq doesn't believe in god. He says it's a "stupid idea."
33) Shaq thought Mortal Kombat was good, but Virtua Fighter made it look like the AIDS virus.
34) Shaq came over to my pool party. He was like, "check out this back flip" but did a bellyflop. We were kinda concerned for him, but when he came back to the surface he was like, "I'm okay guys." Boy were we relieved.
35) Along with the miracle of life known as 'Shaq', immediately after, his mother also squeezed out a polish sausage sandwich and a telephone.
36) Shaq finds midgets to be 'completely unnecessary.'
37) Shaq was backstage at Good Charlotte's last concert. He knows they're not punk, but he doesn't care.
38) Shaq scored 10,000,000 points on Time Crisis 3 in a recent arcade visit.
39) Shaq eats terrorism for lunch with a side order of holocaust.
40) Shaq wants Macaulay Culkin to star in a movie about bears with him.
41) Shaq thought Ghost Ship was a good movie.
42) Shaq wants to fight Hugo Weaving.
43) Shaq coined the phrase, 'Hey. Get outta heeah.' It was during a game of Scrabble.
44) Shaq does AIDS.
45) Shaq's sperm are the size of catfish and have been known to eat mice.
46) Shaq is half human, half Hepatitus B.
47) Shaq owns 700 acres of the moon. He bought it on the internet.
48) Shaq fishes with a spear, but instead of a usual spearhead, he uses a living fetus.
49) Shaq has the world's biggest collection of micro machines. He claims that his micro machines compensate for the fact that he's such a large man. But then realizes that he has the largest collection in the world. Once he does in fact realize this, he will get so angry that he will go out and kill a hobo, exclaiming "I am a freak!"
50) Shaq fails to see the need for orphans.
51) Shaq has been led to believe that the Constitution of the United States was written by Tony Hawk.
52) Shaq is actually two stealth jets welded together.
53) Shaq has spaghetti for pubic hair.
54) Shaq is the cure for cancer.
55) Shaq has laser vision. He uses it to toast bagels
56) Shaq showers in Korean pee.
57) Shaq finds "Oh henry" bars mildly offensive.
58) Shaq lives on his own feces.
59) Shaq was kicked out of a club recently for dressing like a Nazi.
60) Shaq was once taking a morning shower and looked down to find that at some point during the night, one of his testicles had eaten the other. Needless to say, he was surprised.
61) Shaq wanted his own personal jet, but had to settle for a ford.
62) Shaq conducts electricity.
63) Shaq once overdosed on a pot of mustard after challenging Rosie O'Donnell to a condiment drinking race. He died for 7 seconds.
64) If Shaq had a clone, and they both stood on the same side of the United States and simultaneously started jumping up and down, the country would flip over.
65) Shaq paints pictures of the holocaust.
66) Shaq's ass hair is cut every week and sold to high school cafeterias across the globe. No one really knows why.
67) Shaq once gave a handjob for a copy of Splinter Cell on PS2. (Best Buy was closed.)
68) Shaq auditioned for Naomi Watts' part in The Ring.
69) Shaq has written in his will that when he dies he wants his body to be launched from a cannon into a wall of empty soda cans. He thinks it'll 'look awesome'.
70) Shaq drinks soda a bit differently than you or I. He puts it in the freezer, once its good and frozen, he uses it as a weapon to kill Muslims.
71) Shaq once walked into a night club and demanded they give him a happy meal.
72) Shaq once slipped seven chillies into Barry White's coffee. Barry White died minutes after. Shaq still remains innocent until proven guilty.
73) Shaq's audition for Schindler in Schindler's List went as follows: he walked in, he sat on the chair, he downed a can of E-Z Cheese, then blew it out of his nose. Spielberg responded with, "We'll let you know." To this day, Shaq still thinks he did alright.

I think there was a second set of these as well.

[sKratch]

The ones about stuff blowing up were kinda dumb. A lot of them were excellent though.