Rancid_Guyxxx
11-25-2005, 03:33 PM
I'm sure a lot of you have recieved the email, or even heard about it. This may even be on the boards somewhere, but anyway,
>>>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
>>>
>>>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
>>>instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
>>>thereafter he grew a
beard.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
>>>beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
>>>the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
>>>with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
>>>amazement.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
>>>could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
>>>DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out
>>>her throat. Holding
>>>his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
>>>fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the
>>>irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a
>>>hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>>>and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
>>>transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in
>>>the face and took his soul
>>>back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
>>>admitted he
>>>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
>>>Wednesday of the month.
>>>
>>>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
>>>smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
>>>different kinds of cancer only to rid
them from his body by
>>>flexing for 30 minutes.
>>>Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
>>>
>>>The
>>>original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
>>>Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
>>>disguise,"and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended
>>>the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into
>>>pick-up trucks. This was far too much awesome for a single show,
>>>however, so it was divided.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
>>>gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
>>>Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
>>>combined influence to
>>>have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
>>>roundhouse kick related deaths.
>>>
>>>If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at
>>>the same time?
>>>
>>>Answer: Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
>>>said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went
>>>into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live
>>>turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later
>>>it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
>>>asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
>>>face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with
his finger, by
>>>yelling, "Bang!"
>>>
>>>A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
>>>Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
>>>saying "booya".
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
>>>roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
>>>and shit on their
>>>floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Before each filming of
>>>Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the
>>>lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to
limit
>>>his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality
>>>rate of the actors he fights.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
>>>yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I
>>>already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
>>>clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
>>>it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
>>>
>>>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
>>>His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
>>>are black belts
in every form if martial arts and they roundhouse
>>>kick the shit out of
>>>viruses. That's
>>>why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
>>>so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
>>>put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
>>>"his" way.
>>>
>>>One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
>>>that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
>>>tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give
>>>him exact
change.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>>>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>>>
>>>After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
>>>bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck
>>>Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
>>>
>>>If you can
>>>see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
>>>you may be only seconds away from death.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
>>>who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying
>>>Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about,"
>>>and roundhouse kicks them in the
face.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the
>>>director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I
>>>can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face
>>>
>>>It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force:
>>>the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he
>>>pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will
>>>blow up upon impact.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
>>>
>>>A
>>>ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
>>>this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply
stare at you
>>>grimly.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on mortal kombat 2 on
>>>the Sega genesis.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
>>>
>>>Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris
>>>instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly
>>>thereafter he grew a
beard.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned
>>>beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop
>>>the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets
>>>with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer
>>>amazement.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck
>>>could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW
>>>DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out
>>>her throat. Holding
>>>his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't
>>>fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he
realized the
>>>irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a
>>>hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks
>>>and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the
>>>transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in
>>>the face and took his soul
>>>back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
>>>admitted he
>>>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second
>>>Wednesday of the month.
>>>
>>>To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
>>>smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7
>>>different kinds of cancer only to rid
them from his body by
>>>flexing for 30 minutes.
>>>Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
>>>
>>>The
>>>original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
>>>Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in
>>>disguise,"and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended
>>>the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into
>>>pick-up trucks. This was far too much awesome for a single show,
>>>however, so it was divided.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the
>>>gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other
>>>Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their
>>>combined influence to
>>>have Chuck omitted
from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of
>>>roundhouse kick related deaths.
>>>
>>>If paper beats rock, and rock beats scissors, what beats all 3 at
>>>the same time?
>>>
>>>Answer: Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
>>>said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went
>>>into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live
>>>turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later
>>>it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife
>>>asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the
>>>face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with
his finger, by
>>>yelling, "Bang!"
>>>
>>>A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
>>>Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
>>>saying "booya".
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to
>>>roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs
>>>and shit on their
>>>floor, just because he's Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Before each filming of
>>>Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the
>>>lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to
limit
>>>his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality
>>>rate of the actors he fights.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take
>>>yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I
>>>already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows
>>>clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make
>>>it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife.
>>>
>>>The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I.
>>>His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they
>>>are black belts
in every form if martial arts and they roundhouse
>>>kick the shit out of
>>>viruses. That's
>>>why Chuck Norris never gets ill.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just
>>>so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to
>>>put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is
>>>"his" way.
>>>
>>>One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact
>>>that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact
>>>tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give
>>>him exact
change.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>>>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>>>
>>>After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic
>>>bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck
>>>Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
>>>
>>>If you can
>>>see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris
>>>you may be only seconds away from death.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children
>>>who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying
>>>Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about,"
>>>and roundhouse kicks them in the
face.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot outs. When the
>>>director explained that he can't do that, he replied, "of course I
>>>can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face
>>>
>>>It is common knowledge that there are three sides to the force:
>>>the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris carries a messenger bag. If you call it a purse, he
>>>pulls a baby out of the bag and throws it at you. The baby will
>>>blow up upon impact.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heart burn.
>>>
>>>A
>>>ducks quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for
>>>this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply
stare at you
>>>grimly.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris was a hidden playable character on mortal kombat 2 on
>>>the Sega genesis.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
>>>
>>>Chuck Norris can cut onions without crying.
>>>