PDA

View Full Version : Bad Sex in Fiction awards



Izie
12-03-2005, 11:42 AM
http://books.guardian.co.uk/departments/generalfiction/story/0,6000,1652812,00.html

It's too gross/retarded to miss, trust me. It contains gems like:

"Don't blame me. This water supply will stop when the dam's empty."

"again so hard that his dick wrenched out of her hand and a shot of it hit him straight in the eye"

"And so they made love together in the pouring rain, with Nurse Murray emitting a stream of girlish exclamations which seemed to indicate that she was enjoying herself. "Gosh", "Golly" and, as things moved towards a conclusion, even "Tally ho!"

the_GoDdEsS
12-03-2005, 11:43 AM
I wanna be a plumber now. :(




And that shit is fucking pathetic.

Izie
12-03-2005, 11:44 AM
I will be your plumber, baby.



And it's hilarious.

the_GoDdEsS
12-03-2005, 11:44 AM
Zomg, I are t3h sticky leaky baby.

Izie
12-03-2005, 11:45 AM
*pulls out wrench*

...what, like I know what plumbers use.

T-6005
12-03-2005, 11:46 AM
I think wrenches are on the list, yeah.

nieh
12-03-2005, 11:47 AM
I know one of the previous winners of the award intentionally made the sex in his stories as silly and campy as possible. I hope that's the case with everyone else too.

Izie
12-03-2005, 11:50 AM
Hah, for their sake, I hope that's the case. Some of them are really too retarded to be serious...

Oh and yay about the wrenches!

Sin Studly
12-03-2005, 12:39 PM
Tally ho? Am I the only one who thought of Stu and Nona?

TheUnholyNightbringer
12-04-2005, 08:16 AM
"And so they made love together in the pouring rain, with Nurse Murray emitting a stream of girlish exclamations which seemed to indicate that she was enjoying herself. "Gosh", "Golly" and, as things moved towards a conclusion, even "Tally ho!"

HAHAHAHAHA!

This needs serious bumpage.

wheelchairman
12-04-2005, 09:50 AM
My mom wrote suspence for a while. When she asked the author of one of these books how she wrote sex (because my mom found it...awkward) the author gave her the book, and there were stupid phrases like "and she opened like a flower"

Izie
12-04-2005, 04:15 PM
Well finally someone found it funny :p

The_Hombre
12-04-2005, 04:22 PM
I found it funny, but I found Justin's post even funnier.


God bless stereotypes!!! You wallabee-fucking Westie!!

Sin Studly
12-07-2005, 01:15 PM
Westies are from the East Coast or New Zealand. Use 'bogan', 'ocker' or 'dogger'.

coke_a_holic
12-07-2005, 01:19 PM
I've read a story by the first auther, John Updike (lolz). The story I read (A&P) wasn't very good, and this one doesn't appear to be much better.

ruroken
12-07-2005, 01:20 PM
Tally ho!

Hahahaha

coke_a_holic
12-07-2005, 01:22 PM
Just saw this: "Ooh-la-la!" she breathed as he smelt the clean aroma of her short bobbed hair and the rain-sodden grass around it. "Oooh-la-jolly well-la!"

hahahaha

ruroken
12-07-2005, 01:24 PM
Virgins shouldn't write books that have sex in it. Especially if they suck at writing.

Tired_Of_You
12-07-2005, 01:28 PM
"he shot three more times, in thick stripes on her chest. Like Zorro."

JohnnyNemesis
12-07-2005, 01:28 PM
Holy shit, that Tally Ho is fucking PRICELESS.

China Boy
12-07-2005, 03:39 PM
After reading this, I'm not really that keen of losing my virginity anymore.

"Oh, Lord," he cried out. "I'm a-comin'!"
WTF?

0r4ng3
12-07-2005, 03:40 PM
I declare that someone should start using Tally Ho as a catchphrase.

coke_a_holic
12-07-2005, 03:43 PM
I'll do it!

China Boy
12-07-2005, 03:47 PM
Sound Effects (http://s4.yousendit.com/d.aspx?id=1HO4GOKJFQMH7272AWAA88YT0D) have been added.

Sin Studly
12-07-2005, 04:19 PM
The Hombre should do it.

0r4ng3
12-07-2005, 04:20 PM
Care to explain why that should be?

Sin Studly
12-07-2005, 04:37 PM
Because years ago I wrote a fictional transcript of his phone sex with Nina, and had him saying 'Tally Ho' in it. Incidently, it should have made the bad sex in fiction award list too.

ANGLO/PRUSSIAN PASSION

The following is based on a true story. Certain narrative liberties have been taken. Names have been changed because people involved will recognise themselves anyway.

Nona - Hallo, mein grosse sexy Englishman

Stu - Allo there my wonderful beautiful Nona

Nona - Oh, du ist too kind. I am horrible. Horrible and ugly. Mein leben ist nur ein haufen kacke.

Stu - No! That's not true. You are the most beautiful girl in the world!

Nona - Awww. Danke shoen, darling.... you are schweet.

Stu - What are you wearing?

Nona - I am wearing suspenders und liederhosen, a pointed Kaiser helmet and black schexy garters underneath.

Stu - Cor Blimey, you sound so fit. I am wearing a pith helmet, tweed breeches and a faded Union Jack T-shirt with lager stains in it.

Nona - Ooh, ich lieben deine helmut.

Stu - Hehehe, thank you. It hides my bad Manchester perm. Are u a virgin?

Nona - Jah. Meine fotze ist so klein.

Stu - Hurrah, I'll be talking about putting my tackle where no other man ever has!

Nona - Jajajaja. Where bist deine hands?

Stu - Oh, I just put two hands on Big Ben, lol.

Nona - Ooh, willst du put deine Big Ben on mein schamlippen und tear down mein hymen like eine Berlin Wall.

Stu - Okay gel, Oi'll invade your fanny like the Falkland Islands. Tally-Ho!

Nona - Ooh, then du will fickst the hole in my stomach too?

Stu - Um.... what?

Nona - I said English men are so schexy! Jajajaja!

Stu - Cor! Would you like to tickle my todger?

Nona - Oh jah! Ich will pull deine schwanz like it was a Jewish tooth filled with gold und meine fingers will enter your arsch as easily as Belgium.

Stu - Oh blimey! I'm coming!

Nona - Jah, ich komme! ICH KOMME!

Stu - COR BLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIMEY!!!!!

Nona - ICH KOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!

Stu - Oh rats, it's time for tea. Cheerio.

Nona - What? You don't love me? Nobody loves me! My parents hate me! My brother beats me! My life is schiesse! Gäbe es 'nen hässlichen Meter, ich wärst es!

T-6005
12-07-2005, 05:26 PM
Nona - Ooh, willst du put deine Big Ben on mein schamlippen und tear down mein hymen like eine Berlin Wall.

That was awesome.

Izie
12-08-2005, 02:59 AM
Heeeey it's not nice to do that to my topic :(

Betty
12-08-2005, 03:32 AM
Oh god... I'm so glad I just read that.

I didn't remember what the Stu and Nona reference was about... but I think I vaguely remember now.

Fantastic.

Endymion
12-08-2005, 03:51 AM
oh fuck, i think i remember that. not that i remember the hombre or anything though. "Nona - ICH KOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEE!!!!!"

Vera
12-08-2005, 04:01 AM
That tickles my todger.