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dain84
01-17-2006, 07:59 PM
Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
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Policeman: Knock, knock.

Woman: Who's there?
Policeman:The police. I'm afraid there's been an accident. Your husband has been killed.
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There's an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman. They are all trapped in a jail cell.

Eventually they all starved to death.
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To escape the Nazis.
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A man walks into a pub.

He is an alcoholic whose drink problem is destroying his family.
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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
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What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.
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Why do undertakers wear ties?

Because their profession is very serious, and it is important that their appearance has a degree of gravitas.
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How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.
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Why do women fake orgasms?

Because they want to give men the impression that they have climaxed.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: "Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house."

The other man replies: "Yes, she has become a prostitue to subsidise her drug habit."
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Did you hear about the Irishman found under a shop?

Yes, he was killed and buried there. It was gang-related.
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Man: What a beautiful dog. Does he bite?

Dog-owner: No.

Man: Can I pet him?

Dog-owner: No, he has a form of eczema that makes him skin weep if touched.
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How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?

She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia.
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What's the difference between a rottwieller and a poodle?

There are many differences. They are two totally different breeds of dog.
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What do you get if you cross a horse and a donkey?

A mule.
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A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on a plane.

However, it is a short flight and they do not talk to each other.
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What do you call a man with a spade in his head?

You call him an ambulance. He may have fractured his skull.

Isolated Fury
01-17-2006, 08:07 PM
Honestly...

I love these.

Andy
01-17-2006, 08:08 PM
How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.


Love it, love it

Endymion
01-17-2006, 08:09 PM
pathetic attempts at an anti-joke. deadpan absurdism is far superior.

Jebus
01-17-2006, 08:12 PM
my jokes? as in you're the creator?

Drummerguy123
01-17-2006, 08:12 PM
I didn't find any of hose funny.

Igniton
01-17-2006, 08:14 PM
I prefer:

So a blonde, a doctor, a rabbi, a horse, a clown, a lawyer, a russian, and a chicken walk into a bar. The bartender asks: "Is this some kind of joke?".

*hear the drums that come after a joke, the kind that goes tuh doo tis*

Andy
01-17-2006, 08:17 PM
Kind of reminds me of that Family Guy skit, where we see a Rabbi and a Priest walking into a strip club and the Priest asks, "Hey, you ever hear that joke about us?"

I think you have to watch it.

the_offsprings_monkey
01-17-2006, 08:19 PM
You sir, are the joke.

Endymion
01-17-2006, 08:20 PM
to quote a classic:
A kangaroo walks into a bar and says to the bartender, 'Blood is the lipstick of wounds.' The bartender does not know how he said it or why.

Icy Chic
01-17-2006, 08:42 PM
Awesome jokes! :)

Zack
01-17-2006, 09:07 PM
oh thats great

0r4ng3
01-17-2006, 09:08 PM
How can you tell when an Essex girl wants sex?

She displays signs of arousal, such as enlargement of the clitoris and swelling of the labia.
This is the only one I found funny, though I'm not sure why.

Endymion
01-17-2006, 09:12 PM
This is the only one I found funny, though I'm not sure why.
it's the same reason that "i'm gunna kick her in the pussy" sounds less harsh than "i'm gunna kick her in the vagina"

dain84
01-17-2006, 09:34 PM
Yo Mama's so fat, that she was instructed by the doctor to go on a low carbohydrate, high protein diet to reduce the risk of heart disease or even a heart attack later in life.

barangatang
01-17-2006, 09:51 PM
Okay this is a little off-topic: Has anyone else noticed how jebus' avatar and endymions avatar look almost identical when they post after eachother?

bd007h
01-17-2006, 09:57 PM
I thought that too

arak0r
01-17-2006, 10:01 PM
clint eastwood >>>>>> chuck norris

Endymion
01-17-2006, 10:03 PM
clint eastwood >>>>>> chuck norris
i dunno. chuck norris can believe it's not butter...

HornyPope
01-17-2006, 10:05 PM
But can he touch MC Hammer? Yes, yes, he can.

Jebus
01-17-2006, 10:08 PM
speaking of Chuck, I'm buying a chuck norris fact shirt
https://www.spreadshirt.com/shop.php?sid=19781

Endymion
01-17-2006, 10:11 PM
what fact are you gunna get on it? i've always liked "chuck norris does not teabag the ladies. he potato-sack's them."

arak0r
01-17-2006, 10:12 PM
http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1

HornyPope
01-17-2006, 10:13 PM
Hah! I was contemplating of buying one just today. I would go with "Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice". It would make it my first geek t-shirt.

HornyPope
01-17-2006, 10:14 PM
HAha yeah, I saw that one. ^ The Norris answered, and he pluged his books.

Endymion
01-17-2006, 10:17 PM
i read somewhere that he said his favorite one is "every night the boogie man checks his closet for chuck norris"

Jebus
01-17-2006, 10:18 PM
http://www.chucknorris.com/html/events.aspx?type=1
I saw the ytmnd version and later went to the site.
http://selloutchuck.ytmnd.com/

Jebus
01-17-2006, 10:27 PM
I'm thinking about this one.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/Savemejebus/chuck2.jpg
There's no theory of evolution
Just a list of creatures
Chuck Norris allows to live

or have a fact on the back and the picture on the front.

All About Eve
01-17-2006, 10:37 PM
Did you guys switch avatars or am I just out of it tonight?

yay
01-17-2006, 11:23 PM
I didn't find any of hose funny.Then you would be like the rest of the sane world.

Andy
01-18-2006, 12:04 AM
The line about the electrician seems like something Steven Wright would have said: That kind of deadpan semi-logical breakdown of a conventional "how many..." joke. That's about it really. I must be insane.

arak0r
01-18-2006, 12:23 AM
http://weblog.burningbird.net/2006/01/12/the-joke-is/

that is far funnier than all of those. best blonde joke ever too, apparently

Andy
01-18-2006, 12:25 AM
Ah yes, I've seen an email with this joke in. It's true that it is the best blond joke.

the_offsprings_monkey
01-18-2006, 12:32 AM
http://weblog.burningbird.net/2006/01/12/the-joke-is/

that is far funnier than all of those. best blonde joke ever too, apparently
Ahhh FUCK!!!! :(

TheUnholyNightbringer
01-18-2006, 06:08 AM
The last two were superb.

notoriousdoc
01-18-2006, 11:30 AM
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

0r4ng3
01-18-2006, 01:13 PM
Did you guys switch avatars or am I just out of it tonight?
It took me a while to notice. Yes, they did, in fact, switch avatars. I thought I was seeing stuff at first, but I checked again.