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View Full Version : The Lyttle Lytton Contest



nieh
01-30-2006, 04:47 PM
I swiped this from another forum. The idea behind this contest is that everyone who enters has to write an opening sentence to a novel (no more than 25 words in the sentence) that is as horrible as possible. Some of the entries are hilarious.

John, surfing, said to his mother, surfing beside him, "How do you like surfing?"

I know who the murderer is, Kevin blogged.

While a hellish yowl tore my throat, the panicked kitten in fact me leapt crying for the throat of Julia, there seeking comfort and revenge.

The night passed like a kidney stone: painfully and with the help of major sedatives.

The pain wouldn't stop, and Vern still had three cats left.

"Handful of Meat" was, unfortunately, more than just the name of Carl's band.

http://adamcadre.ac/lyttle.html

Original prankstA
01-30-2006, 04:54 PM
Donna sat on her bed and pondered to herself weather fish have ears or not.

They called his order, but after finding that his pockets were empty he mumbled some swears and ran out of the store.

Carson died, and i was ready to kill myself after the tragedy.

nieh
01-30-2006, 05:04 PM
They also apparently had a contest at one point where you had to come up with a second line to the intro for Edward George Bulwer-Lytton's "Paul Clifford".

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. Steeling himself for battle, Fyandor, the oldest and bravest of the lamps, proclaimed, "Nay, foul wind, this will not be the night of our extinguishment!"

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. A cloaked figure stepped off the sidewalk (for it is in a puddle that we continue our scene) and a splash soaked his trousers.

And so forth.

0r4ng3
01-30-2006, 05:06 PM
So, are these real book openers, or do you make them up?

Edit: I read more carefully, you don't make them up.

nieh
01-30-2006, 05:11 PM
None of these were actually used for books. They were things people submitted just for the contest. It would make me very sad if they actually let books that bad get released and I don't even read.

0r4ng3
01-30-2006, 05:13 PM
Wait, so we can make them up? Awesome.

BREAK
01-30-2006, 06:05 PM
Some of those are too hilariously awesome to actually be considered "bad". Ones I like:

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; I know that's a contradiction but bear with me.

I am pleased to announce that, although attitudes have improved immensely, the beatings will continue.

The spaceship was crashing, but, more importantly, John and Greta were having sex in it.

If you're going to start reading my novel, please stop touching yourself like that.

To stand tall, to humbly crawl; to laugh, to cry; to puke bitterly, to suck on come what may here follows my turbulent infancy.

Original prankstA
01-30-2006, 06:32 PM
"Handful of Meat" was, unfortunately, more than just the name of Carl's band.
i'm sorry but that is much to interesting

Homer
01-30-2006, 07:23 PM
Carson died, and i was ready to kill myself after the tragedy.

What the fuck, I didn't die, and uh, I didn't know that you cared about me that much.

coke_a_holic
01-30-2006, 07:33 PM
Her tears were staining my shirt with their water, electrolyte, carbohydrate, lipid, and protein composition, but I knew that once she was done using me as a tear deposit, I would be riding her like a mechanical bull.

Isolated Fury
01-30-2006, 07:37 PM
This is why I love you.

The indescribable has been put into words.

coke_a_holic
01-30-2006, 07:43 PM
I aim to please. ;) ;) ;)

Isolated Fury
01-30-2006, 07:44 PM
With deadly accuracy, might I add.

Sinister
01-30-2006, 07:46 PM
that was uber ghey.
but I don't have a problem with it.

coke_a_holic
01-30-2006, 07:47 PM
<3

Sinister: 10 points for observation.

Mota Boy
01-30-2006, 09:21 PM
Carlton surveyed the smoldering derbis and mangled corpses, musing to himself over the wail of the approaching sirens: "And to think, it all began with an innocent game of 'Name that Smell'".

Gretchen crashed into me like a wave on a distant shore, like a tsunami of desire, a simile she only accented with the piercing, seagull-ish shrieks she made in bed.

wheelchairman
01-31-2006, 09:58 AM
Shitting is 1/13th the feeling of an orgasm. At this moment, I felt like 13 shits were flying out my ass.

I really understand people. This is why they must be destroyed. I am observer of human nature.

So today I was hanging out at Starbucks with my friend Danny, he was in his Falloutboy Hoodie and I was...

One night in Amsterdam, I met this pinkhaired girl. This is the reason why I hate myself and my life now.

0r4ng3
01-31-2006, 03:16 PM
This one time, I was at a friends house, watching some movie called "You Got Served"...

Original prankstA
01-31-2006, 03:19 PM
What the fuck, I didn't die, and uh, I didn't know that you cared about me that much.
i just made a charecter up, i had no clue your name was carson

Nirushika6789
01-31-2006, 03:21 PM
If you're going to start reading my novel, please stop touching yourself like that.
.
Hahaha....I love this one