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Drummerguy123
02-04-2006, 11:33 PM
Yeah, I know there have been a bunch of threads like this before, but I want to know what you guys think. I all of a sudden felt like writing a song. This is the first song/poem I have ever written and I want your input. It is supposed to be along the lines of The Offspring's "Beheaded" so don't take it seriously. I'm not THAT crazy.




Psychopath

Some people say Im not straight in the head,
Its these people that I wish would be dead.
That rush that goes through my vains,
Just to see them suffer through that pain.
Its just like winning that long race,
To see the blood trickle down your face.
Oh yeah, feel free to call me insane,
Just be prepared to face your bane.

[chorus]
HAHA! I know you are jealous,
Just try not to find me on a bad day
You might say this is madness,
But I get the feeling everythings okay.


Dont take away my companion/rifle
Believe me, Im no Dr. Jekyll,
Its only this feeling I get when Im mad,
Or happy, or angry or sad.
I will admit things tend to get a bit hairy,
But I still dont understand why you call me scary.
Oh yeah, feel free to call the police,
But when they come, I would have made my peace

[chorus]x2


[bridge]
Some people call me wretched,
Some people call me cruel,
Some people call me twisted,
I say that they are fools.

[chorus]





So, did it suck? Did you love it? Are you afraid of me now? Input please.

Plumey
02-05-2006, 12:18 AM
Cool. :)

It doesn't quite have the scare factor of Beheaded, though. This song is a bit more vague in terms of how this person is a psychopath; Beheaded clearly shows that the person has beheaded people. Wishing that people were dead and actually killing people are very different. As for that, "It's these people that I wish would be dead" is kind of awkward and not very strong. That might have been what you were going for, though, I dunno.
"It's only this feeling I get when Im mad, / Or happy, or angry or sad." is pretty awesome.

Endymion
02-05-2006, 12:23 AM
seraphim weep.

Hux
02-05-2006, 12:24 AM
Great lyrics.

Nah it doesn't mean your disturbed, it means you are creative and have an imagination ;) .

Drum Goddess
02-05-2006, 12:26 AM
Yeah, I know there have been a bunch of threads like this before, but I want to know what you guys think. I all of a sudden felt like writing a song. This is the first song/poem I have ever written and I want your input. It is supposed to be along the lines of The Offspring's "Beheaded" so don't take it seriously. I'm not THAT crazy.




Psychopath

Some people say Im not straight in the head,
Its these people that I wish would be dead.
That rush that goes through my vains,
Just to see them suffer through that pain.
Its just like winning that long race,
To see the blood trickle down your face.
Oh yeah, feel free to call me insane,
Just be prepared to face your bane.

[chorus]
HAHA! I know you are jealous,
Just try not to find me on a bad day
You might say this is madness,
But I get the feeling everythings okay.


Dont take away my companion/rifle
Believe me, Im no Dr. Jekyll,
Its only this feeling I get when Im mad,
Or happy, or angry or sad.
I will admit things tend to get a bit hairy,
But I still dont understand why you call me scary.
Oh yeah, feel free to call the police,
But when they come, I would have made my peace

[chorus]x2


[bridge]
Some people call me wretched,
Some people call me cruel,
Some people call me twisted,
I say that they are fools.

[chorus]





So, did it suck? Did you love it? Are you afraid of me now? Input please.

It's good, but it ryhmes way to much. It almost sounds like a rap.

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 09:25 AM
Thanks for the input everybody! :D ;)

Nineteen Seventy Nine
02-05-2006, 11:17 AM
that was sweet, and now I wouldn't really plan on meeting you in a dark alley but, it was sweet.

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 11:18 AM
lol. Thanks. Does anybody have any specific changes or suggestions for any part of it? It would be much appreciated.

T-6005
02-05-2006, 11:19 AM
Definitely WAY too much rhyming.

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 11:21 AM
Yeah, I see that now. Have any ideas on how to fix it?

ruroken
02-05-2006, 11:55 AM
Yeah, and jsut cause I draw pictures of things and people getting killed in several different ways doesn't mean I'm disturbed.










































































...what? Why are you all looking at me like that?

0r4ng3
02-05-2006, 11:56 AM
I do that too. I draw stick figures in deathmatches, with all kinds of weapons. I even had a short-lived 3-4 panel comic about it, about 2 years ago.

Andy
02-05-2006, 11:57 AM
I blame violent video games

0r4ng3
02-05-2006, 11:59 AM
I blame those who blame violent video games.

Andy
02-05-2006, 12:00 PM
I blame those who blame those who blame violent video games. It's all your fault.

ruroken
02-05-2006, 12:01 PM
I did a comic called "Mortal Wombat" in which I ripped off...yeah...

I blame those who blame violent video games.
Damn straight. They need to get capped in tha head, Compton-style. Those niggas dun know who tha fuck they're messin wit.

0r4ng3
02-05-2006, 12:02 PM
I did a comic called "Mortal Wombat" in which I ripped off...yeah...
Mine was "2-D Deathmatch", which I recently changed to "2-D Arena", because it sounded too much like Celebrity Deathmatch.

ruroken
02-05-2006, 12:03 PM
I blame those who blame those who blame violent video games. It's all your fault.
Nigga you crazy

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 01:15 PM
Dude, in 8th grade, I drew a bunch of cartoons of stick figures mindlessly slaughtering each other. I think in the end, it added up to about 55 pages.

killer_queen
02-05-2006, 01:58 PM
I do that too. I draw stick figures in deathmatches, with all kinds of weapons. I even had a short-lived 3-4 panel comic about it, about 2 years ago.
This reminded me one of my friends who used to draw naked woman pictures. She was creepy.

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 02:01 PM
This reminded me one of my friends who used to draw naked woman pictures. She was creepy.

I'm pretty sure there is a difference between creepy and lesbian-horny.

Andy
02-05-2006, 02:21 PM
Lesbian-horny is never a bad thing.

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 02:40 PM
Who said it is?

Andy
02-05-2006, 02:46 PM
Germaine Greer

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 02:47 PM
I have no idea who that is, but I'm assuming this person is gay.

Andy
02-05-2006, 02:50 PM
She's an australian feminist writer. Strangely enough, despite the feminism she isn't a lesbian.

Nirushika6789
02-05-2006, 02:52 PM
Ok...well then I'm just going to say she is crazy :p

Rancid_Guyxxx
02-05-2006, 02:54 PM
The song wasn't great.. but it wasn't terribly awful either. Some parts were alright and some parts were bad. I would give it a 6 / 10

Andy
02-05-2006, 02:56 PM
Ok...well then I'm just going to say she is crazy :p
And you'd be right.

Iddy
02-05-2006, 03:54 PM
Germaine Greer

Feminists bug me

Iddy
02-05-2006, 03:58 PM
oh yeah... the real topic.

Its your first time writing so i'll be nice... too much harsh rhymning and no real rhymning pattern (tempo etc). But good for trashing out in a garage for fun, on heavily *gulp* distorted guitars,... good for that kind of thing. Stuff that doesn't require poetry.

But keep pen to paper... :)

Andy
02-05-2006, 04:23 PM
Feminists bug me
The only people feminists don't bug are......Feminists.

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 08:50 PM
The song wasn't great.. but it wasn't terribly awful either. Some parts were alright and some parts were bad. I would give it a 6 / 10

Hey, not bad for my first attempt ever writing anything.

Drummerguy123
02-05-2006, 08:50 PM
oh yeah... the real topic.

Its your first time writing so i'll be nice... too much harsh rhymning and no real rhymning pattern (tempo etc). But good for trashing out in a garage for fun, on heavily *gulp* distorted guitars,... good for that kind of thing. Stuff that doesn't require poetry.

But keep pen to paper... :)

Yeah, I see that now. Thanks.

Drummerguy123
02-27-2006, 10:06 PM
Okay, I wrote another one (actually, 3 other ones) but I figured this was worth sharing and I didn't feel like making a new thread. If you don't know who this is about, you probably need to get a life.

The Crazy Chick With the Green Hair

Thomas Gonzalez, 2006

Hey, there is this chick we all know

who is insanely hardcore,

with her punk rock music,

and hair dye galore.

She does whatever she wants,

and she hates all the losers.

Of course these people,

are commonly known as posers.



*chorus*

Oh yeah, she is the crazy chick

with bright green hair,

her punk rock music,

and her personality rare.

Of course, who could forget,

her tiki torch flare,

her gangsta status,

all of which just screams,

"let the buyer beware."



But don't you get me wrong,

I know not what I say.

for she does have a soul,

within her devilish ways.

She can be a bit cruel,

but you must understand,

that is only her way of showing

how her care is really grand.

*chorus*

Yes, you may think she's weird,

or even a bit crazy,

some might even accuse her

of being a bit lazy.

But all these assumptions

would prove to be wrong,

because she is the one

to whom I dedicate this song.

*chorus x 2*

Jebus
02-27-2006, 10:09 PM
Aww....Green Terror has an E-boyfriend writting poems for her!

Drummerguy123
02-27-2006, 10:12 PM
lol. I guess so. :rolleyes:
This was actualy more of a joke because I had jokingly promised to write a song about her the other night.

barangatang
02-27-2006, 10:39 PM
haha, that's great. If only you'd written some music for it before you wrote. It'll be pretty hard to write some now.

GreenTerror
02-27-2006, 10:50 PM
I think I'm becoming an E-whore... :(

Drummerguy123
03-01-2006, 05:00 PM
I think I'm becoming an E-whore... :(

I think you've become an E-whore. Not that it's a bad thing, though. ;)

I Make SweetLove 2Nirvana
03-01-2006, 07:10 PM
who dat 2nd poem bout?????// :confused: :confused:

Drummerguy123
03-01-2006, 09:20 PM
who dat 2nd poem bout?????// :confused: :confused:

What is it about Nirvana fanatics here that makes them lack all signs of common sense?

That_Guy91
03-01-2006, 09:21 PM
What is it about Nirvana fanatics here that makes them lack all signs of common sense?
Actually, I think that's the same one.

EDIT: You mean KuRt CoBaIn (or something like that), right?

Drummerguy123
03-01-2006, 09:30 PM
Actually, I think that's the same one.

EDIT: You mean KuRt CoBaIn (or something like that), right?

Yes, among others...

GreenTerror
03-01-2006, 09:39 PM
I think you've become an E-whore. Not that it's a bad thing, though. ;)
Yeah, for you and a few other people :rolleyes:

Drummerguy123
03-01-2006, 09:43 PM
Yeah, for you and a few other people :rolleyes:

That wold have been the greatest post ever if it weren't for the :rolleyes: . *slaps wrist*

yay
03-01-2006, 09:44 PM
Yeah, I know there have been a bunch of threads like this before, but I want to know what you guys think. I all of a sudden felt like writing a song. This is the first song/poem I have ever written and I want your input. It is supposed to be along the lines of The Offspring's "Beheaded" so don't take it seriously. I'm not THAT crazy.




Psychopath

Some people say Im not straight in the head,
Its these people that I wish would be dead.
That rush that goes through my vains,
Just to see them suffer through that pain.
Its just like winning that long race,
To see the blood trickle down your face.
Oh yeah, feel free to call me insane,
Just be prepared to face your bane.

[chorus]
HAHA! I know you are jealous,
Just try not to find me on a bad day
You might say this is madness,
But I get the feeling everythings okay.


Dont take away my companion/rifle
Believe me, Im no Dr. Jekyll,
Its only this feeling I get when Im mad,
Or happy, or angry or sad.
I will admit things tend to get a bit hairy,
But I still dont understand why you call me scary.
Oh yeah, feel free to call the police,
But when they come, I would have made my peace

[chorus]x2


[bridge]
Some people call me wretched,
Some people call me cruel,
Some people call me twisted,
I say that they are fools.

[chorus]





So, did it suck? Did you love it? Are you afraid of me now? Input please.That was actually quite good, I'm suprised. I don't think the fools bit works though, I just don't think it fits the song, also the police part and the bit at the start when you say "Its these people that I wish would be dead". Other than that though good job. Keep it up

Drummerguy123
03-01-2006, 09:46 PM
That was actually quite good, I'm suprised. I don't think the fools bit works though, I just don't think it fits the song, also the police part and the bit at the start when you say "Its these people that I wish would be dead". Other than that though good job. Keep it up

Thanks. Just keep in mind that that was my first song I had ever tried writing. I have written I believe 3 others since then, so I see my mistakes in that first one and have improved since then, as you can see with my latest one.

yay
03-01-2006, 09:49 PM
Thanks. Just keep in mind that that was my first song I had ever tried writing. I have written I believe 3 others since then, so I see my mistakes in that first one and have improved since then, as you can see with my latest one.Yeah it's very good keep at it.

GreenTerror
03-01-2006, 09:50 PM
That wold have been the greatest post ever if it weren't for the :rolleyes: . *slaps wrist*
Oooh, you shut up, faggy tacoheadpimp. Yeah I said it.

(Hehe, look! 666 Yay! I'm like teh SaTanZ!)

Drummerguy123
03-01-2006, 09:52 PM
Oooh, you shut up, faggy tacoheadpimp. Yeah I said it.

(Hehe, look! 666 Yay! I'm like teh SaTanZ!)

That's cold.

btw, \mm/

Paint_It_Black
03-01-2006, 10:21 PM
I didn't bother reading any replies.

I don't mean to be rude, but it's really no good. Uh, I don't really know how to give this any constructive criticism because my only advice is to throw it out and start again. With less rhyming. Try especially hard not to use words that you'd never really use. Like "bane".

Drummerguy123
03-01-2006, 10:24 PM
I didn't bother reading any replies.

I don't mean to be rude, but it's really no good. Uh, I don't really know how to give this any constructive criticism because my only advice is to throw it out and start again. With less rhyming. Try especially hard not to use words that you'd never really use. Like "bane".

Yeah, I see that now. I am avoiding it now with the ones I'm writing now.

Paint_It_Black
03-01-2006, 10:30 PM
Post up another one sometime. I'd like to see the improvement. And I commend you for not being afraid to face criticism.

I used to try and write, but I became so tormented with self-doubt that I had to quit. The only thing I can write these days and not totally loathe are screenplays.

Paint_It_Black
03-01-2006, 10:31 PM
Yeah, I see that now. I am avoiding it now with the ones I'm writing now.

Try to also avoid repetition :P

Drummerguy123
03-02-2006, 06:43 PM
Try to also avoid repetition :P


-______-

Hey, give me a break, I was tired. I'll post some more work later. I'm on my grandma's computer right now and it would be a pain in the ass to pull them up right now.

Drummerguy123
03-18-2006, 07:59 PM
Well, I wrote another song and I didn't feel like making another thread again. Tell me what you think, comment, criticize, blablabla...



Help Me!
Thomas Gonzalez- 2006


What is it about you

that makes me go nuts?

What is it about you

that hits me right in the gut?

What is it about you

that puts me in this rut?



*chorus*

Help me! You are driving me crazy!

Why don't you get me out of this?

Help me! You are driving me mad!

Why don't you release me into my bliss?

Help me! You are getting on my nerves!

Why do you keep sending me into this abyss?

Help me! You are turning me insane!

Why don't you just make me dismissed?



What are those things you say,

that put me in confusion?

What are those things you say,

that give me these delusions?

What are those things you say,

that make life seem like an illusion?

*chorus*

What is that thing you do,

that makes a lunatic?

What is that thing you do,

that makes me all sick?

What is that thing you do,

when you play that dirty trick?

*chorus*

Help me! I can't escape your wrath!

Why can't I just be left alone?

Help me! I am trapped in your grasp!

Why can't you see I have grown?

Help me! I can't get away from you!

But now it seems that this bird has flown.





I don't think it's as good as my last one, but I like it. There are others I wrote, but I don't want to post them because 1)I'm too lazy, 2) they suck, and 3) They are a bit personal.

T-6005
03-18-2006, 08:04 PM
Change the first part. It sounds like you reached too hard for a rhyming word. Even if that's just the way you want it, that's the way it sounds - I recommend changing it to something more casual, maybe not even rhyming.

Drummerguy123
03-18-2006, 08:06 PM
Change the first part. It sounds like you reached too hard for a rhyming word. Even if that's just the way you want it, that's the way it sounds - I recommend changing it to something more casual, maybe not even rhyming.
Any ideas ?

T-6005
03-18-2006, 08:27 PM
What is it about you

that makes me go nuts?

What is it about you

that hits me right in the gut?

What is it about you

that puts me in this rut?
Look, not to be offensive, but seriously - read it. It rhymes so much that it sounds ridiculously cheesy. Hell, check out my lyrics in Your Band - they're just as bad. But you're asking for comment on the lyrics themselves. The big thing about it is... you don't sound natural. No one would.

There's this big thing about keeping in with what you're doing, and to too many people that = rhyme. It's not the same thing at all. Sing what sounds comfortable. Likely that way, other people will too. Rhyme is secondary.

Drummerguy123
03-18-2006, 08:32 PM
Look, not to be offensive, but seriously - read it. It rhymes so much that it sounds ridiculously cheesy. Hell, check out my lyrics in Your Band - they're just as bad. But you're asking for comment on the lyrics themselves. The big thing about it is... you don't sound natural. No one would.

There's this big thing about keeping in with what you're doing, and to too many people that = rhyme. It's not the same thing at all. Sing what sounds comfortable. Likely that way, other people will too. Rhyme is secondary.

Oh, I totally know what you mean, I was just wondering if you have any specific ideas for revisions.

T-6005
03-18-2006, 08:35 PM
Oh, I totally know what you mean, I was just wondering if you have any specific ideas for revisions.
Specifically - "the gut" and "this rut".

Change them. I don't care how, just do it.

Drummerguy123
03-18-2006, 08:36 PM
Specifically - "the gut" and "this rut".

Change them. I don't care how, just do it.
lol. Okay. I'll think of something when I'm a little more awake.

T-6005
03-18-2006, 08:38 PM
Good to know.

Also, get out of "in me mouf".

Drummerguy123
03-18-2006, 08:39 PM
Good to know.

Also, get out of "in me mouf".

lol. Will do.

Drummerguy123
03-20-2006, 07:06 PM
bump because i want more suggestions for my songs. Seriously, any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Plumey
03-20-2006, 08:20 PM
I dunno if someone mentioned this already, but the passive voice in some parts annoys me a little. Might just be personal taste, but I think it sounds a little weak. Try reworking it without using the words "would, is, was, were, am, are" etc. and see if it sounds better. A little experimenting never hurt. :)

Drummerguy123
03-20-2006, 08:32 PM
hmmmmmm........ I think I see what you mean. I will take note of that. thank you.

JohnnyNemesis
03-20-2006, 08:40 PM
Post up another one sometime. I'd like to see the improvement. And I commend you for not being afraid to face criticism.

I used to try and write, but I became so tormented with self-doubt that I had to quit. The only thing I can write these days and not totally loathe are screenplays.

You and me are exactly alike then. I should send you a few things I've written.

Drummerguy123
03-20-2006, 08:43 PM
You and me are exactly alike then. I should send you a few things I've written.

Put 'em up here. I would like to get some new ideas.

Drummerguy123
03-22-2006, 10:45 PM
Okay, I wrote another one tonight. I don't have a title for this one yet. Comments, criticism, you know the drill.


Here I sit,
wanting,
waiting,
for the day when you finally come around.

Here I remain,
sleeping,
sulking,
until the time when you lift me off of the ground.

But I still lay here,
patient,
silent,
because your love is the best thing I ever found.


I know that things can get a bit scary,
but I will always be by your side.
My words can never describe this feeling,
but at least you know I tried.
Iím aware that Iím no Romeo,
but this love is something I cannot hide.


Here I wait,
hungry,
thirsty,
for the time when you are finally ready.

Here I rest,
willing,
ready,
because I will face any problem you see.

But I still wait here,
happy,
content,
because this little wait means nothing to me.

Paint_It_Black
03-23-2006, 02:13 AM
You and me are exactly alike then. I should send you a few things I've written.

Fuck yeah, you should definitely do that. Just email to me at tinysalmonswimminginthestream@yahoo.com and ignore the stupid address, there was sort of a reason behind it.

Drummerguy, too much rhyming still, but great fucking improvement on that last one.

Drummerguy123
03-23-2006, 06:40 AM
Cool. Thanks. I'll try to work on that for the next one. It's good to know that they are getting better. ;)