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Mota Boy
06-01-2006, 04:30 PM
Mota Boy's Get Rich Quick Scheme #483: The Fad Diet

It's so easy it's practically printing money. Americans are constantly looking at ways to lose weight, spending the total worth of a third world nation annually in an attempt. The secret seems pretty simple - eat healthy and exercise, but looks can be deceiving. Eat healthy? Who decides what's healthy? How many calories are we supposed to eat again? How much fat? Carbs? Are eggs healthy or not? Is milk? Do we have to get six to eleven servings of breads a day? What if we have too much, is that bad? How much is a serving? Can I still eat fries?

And the exercise thing! People don't like vague ideas. Exercise, OK, fine. How? Do I run? Do crunches? Swim? People are confused by the endless possibilities. They need something simple, easy and new. They'll get bored in a year or two, sure, but by then you've already made a mint. So, I've got some great fad diet ideas. I'll churn 'em out one after the other, get testimonials, become a guru, then buy me an island somewhere. Here are some basic guidelines for diets.

Eat random shit: Choose only two or three types of things to eat, and can eat as much of as they like. It's easy to remember and makes the day simpler. Tell people they can cheat on the weekends, so they don't go absolutely crazy.

Why it works: For one, you deprive people of basic, no-shit-don't-eat-that-if-you-want-to-lose-weight, types of foods that their dumb asses are too stupid to not eat unless they're specifically told to avoid 'em. Also, they end up getting so sick of eating the same damn food day in and out that they end up starving themselves. Flawless.

Examples: The White Diet. Eat white things - mashed potatoes, toast, bananas, cottage cheese, rice, boiled chicken.

The Lentil Soup and Rice Cake Diet. After two weeks, you can also eat, say, roast pork loin.

Don't eat random shit: Declare some type of food "bad" and force a strange diet around avoiding it. This can be simple as hell or the equivalent of "Where's Waldo?" in the grocery store. If it's the former, make it something obvious, like sugar or fat, throw in an exercise tip like "run/walk x miles every day" and market it as the brainchild of a retired small town P.E. teacher/drill sergeant from the Midwest so it appears like good, salt-of-the-Earth knowledge and place the blame for obesity on modern society. If the latter, market it as the latest research from a team of doctors, and place the blame on greedy corporations.

Why it works: You're basically eating smart by avoiding processed or fatty food. Simple as hell, and it works, but by jazzing it out with flawed studies and uplifting anecdotes you can flesh it out into a plan worthy of a $25 book.

Examples: Back to Basic!: The method for losing weight and keeping fit your grandparents didn't even know they were using.

A Dextrin-Free Life: The secret weight loss plan THEY don't want you to know about!

Eat this here shit: Put something in a bottle or cram it into a bar. Claim it was developed by a "leading physician/personal trainer for the stars". Buy a jet.

Why it works: People are fascinated with celebrities and wish to emulate them, plus they love the idea of having access to "secret" information.

Well, there you have it, kiddos: that's how I'm going to make my first billion. Now you all owe me ten bucks.

Tune in next week for Mota Boy's Get Rich Quick Scheme #484: Sell drugs!

06-01-2006, 04:35 PM
I'm looking forward to #484.

06-01-2006, 04:35 PM
The problem is modern book stores charge "shelf space" rate. You have to pay them litteraly so they carry your book. So it makes it a much less attractive venture for the money.

06-01-2006, 04:45 PM
I wanted a game publishing gig once so I was reading a bunch about this shelf space policy. What happens is the store owners have no way to predict the reaction to the titles, so it's bad business for them to put it up for you in return for a percentage in hopes that clients show up. Nor do they want to buy those books from the publisher because it means even more risk for them.

What they rather do is simply charge you a rate to put up your product. And you worry about your own sales. Separate agreements can be negotiated but generaly they take a long relationship (or a lot of bucks) with the store or the publishers who can push through the deal with it.

Mota Boy
06-01-2006, 06:36 PM
Simple, I'll just sneak into bookstores and place them on the shelves when they're not looking.

Sin Studly
06-01-2006, 08:10 PM
Claim your diet is so effective the big evil pharmaceutical corporations are trying to suppress it because they'll lose money from stomach staples, liposuction, cellulite pills, and treating heart disease and high cholesterol, etc.

People will believe anything bad you say about anybody richer than them.

06-01-2006, 08:18 PM
And the richer generaly believe anything bad you say about the poor. How we all complete each other!

Sin Studly
06-01-2006, 08:21 PM
There are exceptions of course. (*cough* Sky *cough*)

06-01-2006, 08:27 PM
Sky falling under the... rich or poor label?

06-01-2006, 09:01 PM
I never thought I would get inspired by some punk over the internet, but I guess I did.