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Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 03:28 AM
Make up some letters for a 'dating tips' Agony Aunt. I'm too lazy to do it myself. Genuine questions are better, but fake made-up shit is fine too. Remember to sign it something lame like "Lovesick in Leipzig" or "Confused in Copenhagen" or "Virgin girl in Istanbul"

sitdyneshelagh
06-12-2006, 05:54 AM
I'm dating this bloke with a ginger beard. And it's embarrassing me. How do I get him to shave it the fuck off?

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 06:13 AM
Well played, a few dozen more of those and I'll stop wishing you were drowned at birth.

nieh
06-12-2006, 06:35 AM
I'm so embarassed to even talk about this...but my boyfriend doesn't know where my prostate is. What can I do?

Sunny
06-12-2006, 06:42 AM
your signature should be "neglected in new jersey", then. =p

nieh
06-12-2006, 07:02 AM
I don't think that will make the problem go away though =,0(

Llamas
06-12-2006, 07:13 AM
you never know unless you try.

Little_Miss_1565
06-12-2006, 07:41 AM
This is very embarassing to talk about, but lately I've been having fantasies of my boyfriend donkey-punching me. I've talked to him about acting it out, but he's afraid of causing permanent damage. Can you explain to me, step by step, how we can do this without sending me to the hospital?

Sincerely,
Ass Over Teakettle

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 07:47 AM
Made-up situations that aren't excessively obvious would be better.

Nina
06-12-2006, 07:48 AM
My boyfriends wants to drink a cup of my menstrual blood next time I'm on the rag. What should I do?

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 07:49 AM
Buy him a goat.

Love,
Aunty Sin

Little_Miss_1565
06-12-2006, 07:51 AM
Made-up situations that aren't excessively obvious would be better.

Don't judge my sex life!

Llamas
06-12-2006, 08:02 AM
this one time I went over to babysit this one kid, and I fell asleep on the floor in just a t-shirt. when I woke up, their dog was licking my pussy. after freaking out, I realized I kinda liked it and let it keep going. can I get any diseases from this? would it be safer if I was wearing underwear?
-confused about canines

Andy
06-12-2006, 08:11 AM
My girlfriend cuts herself, and I'm finding myself increasingly turned on by the thought of fucking her wounds. Does that make me a bad person?

Yours desperately,
'X'

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 08:23 AM
I need bland and generic letters, preferably from insecure 17-year old boys.

Andy
06-12-2006, 08:28 AM
Dear Aunty Sin,
i realy lyk dis girl in my skool, bt she dnt no who i am! she hangs round wit all trendi ppl n dat n im jus a punk :mad:

wot can i do 2 make her notis me???????

Thx,
Brainless in Britain.

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 08:31 AM
Subject line ; the bait is too fucking obvious


I need bland and generic letters, preferably from insecure 17-year old boys.

you'd expect me to swallow that bait, line and sinker ?
Sorry, not this time.

Seriously, wtf????

Andy
06-12-2006, 08:32 AM
Uh? Is it Sinisters time of the month or something?

Sinister
06-12-2006, 08:36 AM
I know when I'm baited.
Or maybe not. Sorry.

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 08:44 AM
No, not. There's gonna be an agony aunt section on a website I'm getting up in about a week. Naturally I need some made-up letters to tide it over until such time as people actually send in their own questions. That is all.

But hell, your insane paranoia just gave better results than if I really were baiting you and you fell for it. Congrats, you deluded insecure fuck.

And to everybody else ; none of you are funny. Even if you were funny, I'm not looking for funny in the letters. Just gimme some bland, generic shit ; preferably from the young and insecure. Nothing outrageous, no attempts at humour.

Tizzalicious
06-12-2006, 09:20 AM
Dear Aunty

I had sex for the first time last week. I have two questions apropros.
1. What is the average time for sex? Because she said it happens to lots of guys, but I'm not sure if she is lying or not.
2. And how long is it supposed to burn for, after a week?

Thanks in advance!

- Confused in Cologne :confused:

Llamas
06-12-2006, 09:41 AM
Dear Aunty

My girlfriend of the past 2 weeks keeps telling me that sex is sacred and she wants to save it for marriage. I think she takes it too seriously and needs to learn to have some fun. Should I break up with her? Why don't any normal girls like me? Why am I so alone?

~alone and horny

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 09:43 AM
^ These two I can probably use. Keep 'em coming.

noodlesfan
06-12-2006, 09:46 AM
I'm dating this Du-...Chick, and they don't seem to realize that when i'm taking a piss, it's not a good time to start having sex, how do i tell Hi- Her this without upsetting ..her.

-Dirty Bathroom Floor

coke_a_holic
06-12-2006, 10:01 AM
Where is the clitoris and how will I know when I've found it??

-Lost in Louisiana

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 10:17 AM
You'll have to ask Schuyler on that one.

Idiot
06-12-2006, 10:21 AM
Dear Aunty,

I lost my virginity the other day, but I have a few questions?

Is a three-inch erect penis good enough?
How thick/wide should it be?
Is the bottom hole the right one? I hope so because that was the hole that my penis fit in too so I could feel something - the other hole was way too big, I could've fit 3 of my penises in the top hole. But the top hole is the poo poo hole anyway right?
Is it normal for the girl to get bored after a couple of minutes and want to hug instead?

Thanks
Bert, 36.

Andy
06-12-2006, 10:26 AM
I am thirteen, and have recently discovered myself. My question is: Does masturbation really make you go blind? I keep hearing it in movies and on the tv and it is really worrying me - I don't want to go blind!
- Short-Sighted in Seattle

I've recently started to notice that the girls in my school are actually really hot, and like to wear clothes to show themselves off. Unfortunately, because of that, I've been becoming ...Excited in the middle of lessons and I don't know how to stop it. Is there any advice you can give me to stop this, or at least control it?
- Excited in England

I was in bed with my girlfriend the other morning, and am sure that my mother may have opened the door without knocking. I am really worried that she may have seen something that I don't want her to. Should I ask her, or just let it go? If I should ask, how should I word it?
- Worried in Washington

When I was in the showers after a game the other day, I noticed that some of the other boys were, well, bigger than me. I keep hearing on the TV and in movies that "size doesn't matter", but it's really worrying me. My question is: Does size really matter?
- Tiny in Tel Aviv

I found out the other day that one of my best friends is gay. He's said that he's been like it for years, but I can't help but think about him differently from now on. I can accept gay people, but when it's one of your best friends it's a different matter. I am worried that he might make a pass at me or something. Am I a bad friend for thinking this? Or would it be better for both of us if we just stopped hanging out if I can't shake these thoughts?
- Butch in Brittany

Over the last couple of weeks, whenever I've been 'alone', my friends mother has always appeared in my fantasies. Does this make me a bad friend, or is it natural to have these feelings?
Horny in Hawaii

There is a girl who I really like. Whenever I see her, my heart pounds and I start to sweat and I can barely speak properly (I start to stutter). I've always 'fancied' her, but lately it's gone to more than that. I get insanely jealous when I see her talking to other guys, and have even started to go out of my way to engineer ways to talk to her. Could this be love, or is it just a major crush and will go away soon?
Smitten in Singapore

How about them apples!

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 10:37 AM
Andy wins the thread, and is awarded with a full week of being an honourary non-Brit. What nationality would you like to claim for the next seven days, Andy?

Andy
06-12-2006, 10:43 AM
Hmm, I think I'll stay Brit and bask in the knowledge that an Aussie acknowledged a Brit as winning something.

T-6005
06-12-2006, 10:54 AM
Andy, those were awesome.

XYlophonetreeZ
06-12-2006, 11:16 AM
Seriously, wtf????
Haha, did Sinister delete his post?

Sin Studly
06-12-2006, 12:55 PM
It was a private message.

SkunkIt
06-12-2006, 02:06 PM
Dear Aunty,

I want a boyfriend, but noone wants to date me, because I have sagging breasts and one's bigger than the other. I also have elastosis. I'm 46 years old. I recently gave up on men and decided animals were ther way to go.
I went down to Tijuana, Mexico and volenteered to be part of a donkey show. I gave a male donkey oral, Will I get pregnant? if so, will my child have a long face?

Yours truly,

Mother of ass

Andy
06-12-2006, 02:10 PM
no attempts at humour.
And that was a pretty bad attempt, SkunkIt.

SkunkIt
06-12-2006, 02:11 PM
It was supposed to be fucked up, not funny. Oh well, I lose. :(

Idiot
06-12-2006, 02:13 PM
And that was a pretty bad attempt, SkunkIt.

I thought it was pretty funny.

SkunkIt
06-12-2006, 02:14 PM
Thanks, but seriously, it wasn't an attempt at humor.

Andy
06-12-2006, 02:14 PM
I thought it was pretty funny.
That is where we differ, Joseph.

the_GoDdEsS
06-12-2006, 02:16 PM
And that was a pretty bad attempt, SkunkIt.

Seconded, rather lame.

Idiot
06-12-2006, 02:43 PM
That is where we differ, Joseph.

Indeed. I think my problem is that I find things funny too easily.

0r4ng3
06-12-2006, 08:04 PM
Oh, I got one.

Dear Autny Sin,

How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?

Sin Studly
06-13-2006, 02:18 AM
Dear Autny Sin,

How do you type with boxing gloves on your hands?

I know this makes me pathetic, but I laughed out loud at that.

Llamas
06-13-2006, 03:09 AM
I'm drunk but i do't think andy mad eup those mesages :p I thik he stole them from somewhere!!! :eek:

killer_queen
06-13-2006, 04:01 AM
Well, this problem is pretty common in Turkey.

I'm about to get married and my fiance is so happy because he thinks I'm a virgin. But I'm not. How can I be virgin again?
Love,
Whore in İstanbul

Rocky-girl
06-13-2006, 04:12 AM
Dear Aunty Yustinchek!

I'm a poor little girl living in Taiga, some time ago I start learning English language. But my vocabluary is so small. I think you're very clever so you can explain me some words that I don't know. What does mean sex and virgin?
Beforehand, thank you.

With love from taiga:)

Andy
06-13-2006, 05:06 AM
I'm drunk but i do't think andy mad eup those mesages :p I thik he stole them from somewhere!!! :eek:
Sadly enough, you're wrong. I don't plagiarise, I just have far too much time on my hands. That, and a couple of those were based on the experiences of Little Andy.

noodlesfan
06-13-2006, 05:23 AM
one time, i counted all the way to 40!!

Sunny
06-13-2006, 05:46 AM
I'm about to get married and my fiance is so happy because he thinks I'm a virgin. But I'm not. How can I be virgin again?
Love,
Whore in İstanbul

some needle and thread. ;p

Andy
06-13-2006, 05:47 AM
some needle and thread. ;p
Sheesh, even I crossed my legs at that.

Sunny
06-13-2006, 05:56 AM
i wish i was making it up!


For women interested in hymen restoration (which is also known as hymenoplasty or hymenorraphy), there are a couple of different options. A surgeon can repair the thin membrane that covers the opening of the vagina in a 30-minute procedure that runs anywhere from $2,500-$3,500.

Andy
06-13-2006, 06:15 AM
Oh Christ. Whatever next? Reverse Circumcision?

T-6005
06-13-2006, 06:28 AM
Why would they want it back? Don't they know the hymen breaking is painful?!?!? GEEZ IM A GUY AND I EVEN KNOW THAT!

[/ruroken]

Andy
06-13-2006, 06:32 AM
[/ruroken]
Consider my 'a' 'lo'd.

JoY
06-13-2006, 06:32 AM
Dear Aunty Sin,
i realy lyk dis girl in my skool, bt she dnt no who i am! she hangs round wit all trendi ppl n dat n im jus a punk :mad:

wot can i do 2 make her notis me???????

Thx,
Brainless in Britain.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
sorry, but that just reminded me of wliethof.



- Tiny in Tel Aviv

that made me go "aw!".

Preocupado
06-13-2006, 06:49 AM
Well, this problem is pretty common in Turkey.

I'm about to get married and my fiance is so happy because he thinks I'm a virgin. But I'm not. How can I be virgin again?
Love,
Whore in İstanbul

The reply to that could go:

Dear Whore in Istanbul :)

Virginity isn't something you're supposed to miss. You don't lose it, you get rid of it.

Sin Studly
06-13-2006, 06:52 AM
Except that I don't approve of Turks breeding.

Preocupado
06-13-2006, 06:58 AM
Wich leads to another good teen question:

Dear Aunty

Am i still a virgin if i used a condom?

Sin Studly
06-13-2006, 07:17 AM
K, stop trying now.

mrconeman
06-13-2006, 09:45 AM
Aunty Sin,
My girlfriend thinks she may be pregnant, is abortion really such a bad thing?

Bollocksed in Belfast.




(obviously made up...and pretty crap...so what if I'm bored)

killer_queen
06-13-2006, 12:55 PM
Oh Christ. Whatever next? Reverse Circumcision?
I'm surprised that you're surprised. Hundreds of girls get their membranes done in Turkey. And it started 200 years ago or something.

0r4ng3
06-13-2006, 01:23 PM
How much salt do I need for my abortion?

noodlesfan
06-13-2006, 01:45 PM
How much salt do I need for my abortion?
this depends on how long you plan on cooking it afterwards

Sunny
06-13-2006, 02:20 PM
it was my understanding that abortions were eaten raw, sashimi style.

without the wasabi, though.

noodlesfan
06-13-2006, 02:24 PM
it was my understanding that abortions were eaten raw, sashimi style.

without the wasabi, though.
that's more of an eastern tradition, once you get more west, people start to make different variations, including : cooking, spices, steaming, and breading.

JohnnyNemesis
06-13-2006, 05:51 PM
Why would they want it back? Don't they know the hymen breaking is painful?!?!? GEEZ IM A GUY AND I EVEN KNOW THAT!

[/ruroken]

I approve.

lost_nvrfound
06-13-2006, 07:01 PM
dear Aunty Sin,

I recently dated this girl who was really cool, but she wouldn't let me even get passed second. So I broke up with her and started dating her best friend, who I know I can coax into bed. Does this make me a bad person?

- Inpatient and horny

neocon58
06-14-2006, 12:07 AM
Q. I have a hard lump under my nipple, and when I push on it, cloudy discharge comes out. What is wrong with me and is it serious? Puffy nips, VIA EMAIL

calichix
06-14-2006, 01:22 PM
oh my god oh my god I've SO got a real one.


this guy who I might just date if I either get over it or he quits creeping me out always wants to do gross stuff like spooning and making out in front of my friends mid-conversation and talking durrrrty. I can't take myself seriously enough to say, "OOH baby I love your hard dick." with a straight face. AND he always gets all analytical on my ass so we can have a good cry about it. guh-ross. not gonna happen, pal. but the fella at hand is so very attractive and funny. should I find a man who isn't such a pussy or put up with Spooner's antics?!
-Intimacy Issues in California

noodlesfan
06-14-2006, 03:08 PM
Dear Aunty Sin,
Is it still indecent exposure if my penis is covered with someone's mouth and nobody can see it?

Sin Studly
06-14-2006, 05:30 PM
Thanks Laura.

And everybody else, we can all just stop. I've got enough decent letters I can use (thanks to Andy, Laura), and everyone trying to be 'teh funnies' has failed miserably. Except the boxing gloves one, that was good.

So yeah, stop. Please.

calichix
06-14-2006, 06:11 PM
you're very welcome. what's this for?

Sin Studly
06-14-2006, 06:41 PM
My upcoming website.

noodlesfan
06-14-2006, 06:53 PM
My upcoming website.
there's already a website where some angry dude sits and complains about everything.

Sin Studly
06-14-2006, 07:09 PM
But mine's gonna have a wittier name, and a really long flash intro.

noodlesfan
06-14-2006, 07:16 PM
But mine's gonna have a wittier name, and a really long flash intro.
well, i'm sold

Paint_It_Black
01-26-2007, 04:34 AM
Maria, why post that here. I mean, for god sake why.

Paint_It_Black
01-26-2007, 04:47 AM
It's just pointless. I never said it was harmful. Just incredibly pointless.

You'd be better off making a thread with his name in it begging him to return.