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Nina
06-19-2006, 04:55 AM
Have you ever felt like you just arent good enough, no matter how hard you try?

I know as a fact that some of you are very outgoing; you go out a lot, go to parties a lot, have lots of friends, etc etc.
One tiny question to those people: Do you feel completely happy that way?

I have to say, I am the complete opposite of you and I want to know if there is more behind it than just missing some of the fun. Do I miss actual happiness?

Here's the deal.


(Do not read if you dont want an explenation on why I ask this question)


I am not whiny about it right now, but I read an LJ entry in a pretty crowded community about being isolated and wanting to make new friends. I've noticed that I was able to relate to it completely.

I try really hard to interact with people. Those of you who talk to me every now and then know that I like to talk about all types of things. I know my bad sides and I know my good sides; true, I am not hotstuff and no I am not the wittiest funniest person EVER. Alright I know that, as do you. But I am a very nice person and also extremly talkative.
My problem is that I have the feeling that people won't let me be interesting.

*I used to call people all the time and ask them to hang out with me. They usually said yes but it always ended up with them calling me and telling me that they SURPRISINGLY dont have time at that particular day.
*If I dont call people, they wont call me. Ever.
*If I disappear for a while, people usually dont notice.
I could go on forever but I wont because that WOULD make this whiny.

I could apologize for not being annoying about it, I could apologize for not running after people to hang out with them, but that wouldnt make a lot of sense to me.

I know that people LIKE me. Almost everyone I know in real life likes me (even the people who I dont really like :/ ) But nobody wants to hang out. They wouldnt tell me not to come to a party, to a meeting, whatever; I'd be welcome in general.. but they also would never keep me in mind and consider asking me. I basically dont have people around me who I consider friends.
Do you understand what I mean?

I dont want you to tell me what I do wrong, because after all the majority of you have not met me in real life and dont know how I am like or how I behave. I just wanted to explain why I ask these questions and I also wanted to have your opinion on being isolated in general. Maybe you have something interesting to share.

Tizzalicious
06-19-2006, 05:14 AM
If I had a whole lot of friends, I would answer your questions, so for now, I'll just comment on this:

"My problem is that I have the feeling that people won't let me be interesting."

No, your problem is, that you always think people don't think you are interesting. Which is probably not the case. You always think they will think you are boring, even though you aren't. You think you aren't witty//funny//etc. even though you are.

This wasn't the point of your thread, but I just needed to say it.

Nina
06-19-2006, 05:40 AM
But I meant extremly witty and funny, and not a lot of people are. I would say that out of all the people I know (irl AND online) only a handful of people are like that. There is nothing wrong with that, right?
And I have chaaannnged, you know that. I do talk and talk and talk and sometimes either you, Izie or Richard need to tell me to stfu :D
That's good and all but I want really close friends irl. Maybe not many people have actual, close friends anyway. I dunno. Thats part of my question I guess.

Just a Girl
06-19-2006, 05:56 AM
hmm, I think I know what you're saying, and I can sort of relate to it, but I may have got it wrong so I'll tell you what I think.

For ages I found it really hard to find someone who I got on with that I actually liked. All through school I had a sort of group that I would hang around with, but I didn't particularly like any of them, and so we never really arranged to do anything and I was often a bit jealous of all these big groups of friends who all seemed really close, but as I got older I started to realise that actually there big groups weren't so appealing. The people who did hang around in these massive groups didn't actually seem to be close to anyone in the group, in fact, they seemed to spend most of their time bitching about whoever wasn't there at the time. I also realised that the reason I didn't have a big group of friends is because I'm quite a difficult, harsh person, and I find it very hard to find people I like. However, when I do find someone I get on with very well, we seem to really connect and end up having a great friendship. I have a small group of friends, but I can honestly say I'm very close to all of them, and I much prefer this to having a large group of friends that I'm not really close to. There are still people I'll end up hanging around with in a big group sometimes, but I'm happier just being with the people I get on with a lot.

At the moment, my little sister is currently going through the same thing, she doesn't really like any of her friends. I think it's just getting harder for intelligent people to find other interesting, intelligent people to be friends with. Some people are happier in big groups, some people are happier having a small group of close friends.

and about the people not letting you be interesting thing, I sometimes feel like this when meeting new people, and it's usually because a lot of people nowadays seem to start every new encounter by bragging about how much they've done and how well they did it, whereas I am not at all comfortable talking about how great I am. Lots of people seem to think they're a lot more important than they actually are, and also that they're more important than you. If someone is making you feel that way it's generally a good indicator that you're not going to get on with them.

Anyway, I think I've just waffled badly and not helped at all, but I've typed it all out so I'll post it anyway, just in case it was right in some small way.

Nicole
06-19-2006, 05:59 AM
I completely understand you Nina. I have such issues. When I moved to Adelaide I got lots of opportunities to be social, for once in my life, and they didn't make me feel much less isolated. The isolation feeling went when I learnt to be happier with myself, made DECENT friends, and got myself a script of antidepressants for my anxiety issues. I still have the issues but they're not overwhelming. And so I deal with them when they come up rather than feeling like a fuck up 24/7.

And remember, most people suffer from loneliness :) So you're not alone in that aspect.

killer_queen
06-19-2006, 06:07 AM
Let's see... Yeah, I do have a lot of friends and I would be lying if I say I don't have fun with them. Do I feel completely happy with them? Sometimes.
I'm a real attention whore when I'm with my friends. I can't stand when everyone pays attention to someone who is not me.

People always call and invite me to the meetings and I used to like it. Now, I don't know, I just can't stand my friends. Somehow they became incredibly boring to me. Maybe they stopped paying attention to me, that might be the reason.

Anyway, I'm sure your problem isn't the same. In fact, I think you are the opposite of attention whore, that's your problem. If everyone likes you but doesn't notice you it doesn't mean you're uninteresting or unwitty or whatever. It means you choose to be in that way. Probably because you don't like your friends. I'm sure you would feel so much different if you had real friends that you liked. And since high school has ended there's nothing to worry about. You are a very smart girl. It's so much better than making a few lame jokes and making people laugh.

JoY
06-19-2006, 07:16 AM
"My problem is that I have the feeling that people won't let me be interesting."

No, your problem is, that you always think people don't think you are interesting. Which is probably not the case. You always think they will think you are boring, even though you aren't. You think you aren't witty//funny//etc. even though you are.

that kind of blew my mind, because man, ain't that just extremely true.
I wanted to type a heart, something, but it doesn't really cut it in this case. besides, both Nina & you deserve a heartie for that post.


the following is just personal stuff & it might add something, I don't know. it does involve loneliness & it's something I struggle with recently & I'm breaking my head over it, trying to find an access to help her, or something.

a friend of mine hasn't been feeling comfortable in her own skin lately. I talk a LOT with her, because it's tough to see the communication between her & her friends is difficult when both mean well, even sometimes the same thing, when they care about each other & there's not necessarily something standing in their way. I do know what that feels like. just a general feeling of discomfort, mostly with yourself, which can get in the way & cause miscommunication etcetera. maybe that's why we never misunderstand each other; a sort of general understanding? I don't know.

I wish she would just make it easier on herself, because she honestly truly deserves it. she's just extremely insecure & every tiny little bad thing that happens, that someone does, or says, she blows up to the size of China & she keeps thinking about it, untill she's thinking in circles. circles, circles, circles. & she doesn't particularly want to be paranoid, but if you're insecure & you read too deeply into things, thinking about it, untill you even think about it at night.. well, that isn't particularly good, if you see what I mean.

in her case it's fully (well, mostly) to blame on the fact she's been spoiled by her parents quite a lot (& they still spoil her) in the stretched period they devorced, which was a crucial period (puberty). it's kind of a protecting blanket & pretty blinding & unrealistic. she's simply completely unprepared for dealing with things on her own, because mommy & daddy always did everything for her. in a way her parents just have kept her incredibly young & now she's trying to make it on her own, she's just.. scared. & insecure. & she's acting it out on herself by pushing her friends away.


the last years of high school I went from being a pretty spontanious, social bunny, to being a total loner. when I was finishing high school, I pretty much was forced to think about the future & make plans. at that time I was incredibly insecure & I felt like the insecurity was stronger than my personality. like I was locked behind only a curtain, something that can be shoved aside relatively easily, but you just don't know/see how. & through that curtain people can't percieve you well & you can't see what they see, kind of stuck in your own judgements on yourself.

I don't know if I'm even close to explaining it decently, but I don't know any other way at the moment.

so when making post-high school plans I suddenly turned to my parents & said that I couldn't go to Amsterdam. when I was younger I always wanted to go to Amsterdam, always. my mother was very surprised. I explained that I was just scared that in a crowded city like that, I'd be alone between all those people. being alone I can handle with - being alone between millions of people is just being fucking lonely. THAT was just unacceptable for me. I guess I didn't even see how lonely I already was at that time.

when you want to study medicine, you hardly have control over where you're going to study it. eventually I was placed in Amsterdam. that was a lump in my throat to swallow & a slight adjustment in my mind, but I remember being relieved the choice was made for me. so I packed my bags & went & just rushed right into everything. life in general - I'd kind of put that on hold in the time I.. well, isolated myself? I guess I really did isolate myself. I was scared & it took me a couple of years to "get back in the game", but like years ago, now I've got a small circle of close friends, a large circle of simply friends & I systematically don't fully trust just friends, but gave in to the fact I'll have to trust my close friends.

the same confidence (but not as automatically), the same social circle (with a different content of course), but relationships built on different material. I'm not sure if it's stronger - sometimes it seems both weaker & stronger. I do know I became more critical & I'm not sure if I learned that much & if that makes me wiser than I was then, but I am more experienced than I was then. no one can take that away, or deny it. I'm still very insecure sometimes. but it's more.. superficial, as in on the surface & not a deep rooted insecurity that almost makes me feel less than the entire human race, like I used to have.

when I isolated myself, I thought I'd just lose friends I couldn't really trust & that it was a good way of natural selection & kind of survival of the fittest. but years later I'm still picking up the pieces & see the damage done in extremely close friendships. people who always stuck by me, tried to maintain a friendship & eventually only tried to maintain some sort of contact. & I know we'll never be able to fully fix it, because I've been away for so long. & while I was away, they've needed me too. that hurts, especially since I know they've been through so much shit without me, but I do realise I should try never to shut everyone out like that ever again & that it's better if I don't lock myself in. locking myself in had bad consequences anyway.

I can't explain it real well without turning this into something extremely big, but yeah well, I'm outgoing they say. one could describe me as spontanious, cheery & bouncy. but I know that's not all I am & I guess that goes for everyone. when I'm with friends who understand that.. I am very happy. I don't know how to meassure happiness, but very happy should do.

JoY
06-19-2006, 07:50 AM
my last post just made me realise; her moving away from her parents made her so insecure, she became isolated (though not on the surface - pretty much like Nina says; people like her, but there's no actual connection) & when I moved out, it ripped me out of my shell & isolation. & it was a reason to open up again, which I also tried before, but you can open up a door, but it's not of that much use if you don't let anyone in without the guard closely watching them. & even if I let anyone in in that period.. I couldn't show who I am, because I could only show them my negative judgement of me. like, it reflects. feeling you're never good enough & you won't ever be good enough.

:/ anyone still following me, even caring & stuff?

I think it probably is partly a trust-issue. my friend's parents "betrayed" their little girl in a way, by devorcing. stepping out of a marriage you promised to stay in for the rest of your life affects your family so much.. it happens ridiculously often in such cases parents spoil their kids with expensive gifts, arrangements, money, help, things like that, to restore some of the damage done. so besides her being kept real damn young, partly thanks to extreme spoiling, she just sucks at trusting. she does.

I guess there are different reasons, causes & triggers for everyone. I think anyone could be turned into someone lonely, no matter how outgoing & spontanious. & I also believe that even the most isolated people can be ripped away from their island.

/rambleramble:
it's a process. it's a process to get stuck in isolation & it's a process to reverse it. however, I guess it is possible that one event triggers this process, no matter if we're talking about actually isolating or undoing isolation.

isolation kind of wraps around you, slowly, without you even noticing. you start to know the world less (keeping it at a distance) & it starts to know you less. & even though that's a rather uncomfortable position to be in, because you're simply not alone on this planet, it's an easy position to stay in. it's relatively safe, you know you, you trust you & all you really need is you. in the end you're the most important thing in your own life.

but if you don't think you matter & if you'd rather erase yourself than stand up for yourself, you lose your identity. & when you lose your identity, it's hard to recognise yourself & know yourself. so you can't trust yourself, not even with yourself. when in isolation no one can reassure you who you are - even if they would, you wouldn't believe it & you wouldn't trust them. so isolation might seem mighty safe, but it turned out to be pretty dangerous to me.

that's a lot of you's & a lot of rambling, but ehm, yeah.. who knows, maybe it turns out to be.. useful, or something like that.

Izie
06-19-2006, 08:38 AM
Completely happy is relatively unrelated to friends, in my case. Then again, maybe I'm odd. Or maybe it's because I know I have a handful of FRIENDS, people I trust and can talk to and can turn to for help. They piss me off on occassion, sometimes I don't want to see them for a while, but they do exist.

I have a shitload of acquaintances. Those are people I like and who serve a purpose in my life, most often to be entertaining. They may not be the brightest or the best in the world, but they're useful if I'm bored. And they're amazingly easy to gain. The stupider among them will even consider you a friend. Whatever.

All I wanna say is relax. Relax completely. Don't think, don't care, don't try, just be. If you wanna say something funny, say it. If you wanna be obnoxious, be. If you wanna stick your tongue out and make faces, do that. Some people will like it, some won't, and then? Who cares? Do not think about whether they like it. Why do they have to like it? Not everyone can like you. Not everyone should.

Ok, I'm slightly cruel, but this is mostly due to the fact that I have a bad temper and tend to ram stuff down people's throat if they irritate me, which has caused me not to be very liked among some people... And that's really not a problem to me. I do not expect tards to like me (tard used in a very broad sense here, meaning 95% of the population :p). I don't need them to like me. I don't like them, big deal.

And as far as people not inviting you goes... Eh, such are people. Such am I, too. Sometimes I forget, or I don't feel like going, or I just hate people for the day, whatever. Mostly it's due to the fact that I'm not in my friends' day-to-day lives, so we don't get t organize things on the spot, I have to call them up and see if something's up. And then if it is, I'll go. I'll get the occasional invitation, but mostly by people I've known for about 14 years and who live around the corner from me, literaly. There's only 2 of them. The rest I have to bug for days. I don't think that means they're not friends though. Actually, I consider some of the people I have to bug to see better friends than some of the ones who actually invite me out.

In highschool, they didn't invite me to parties because I'd flat-out refuse to go in 85% of the cases. Hey, it's not my fault their parties sucked! Needless to say, I was never particularly bothered by THAT :p They were more bothered when *I* was making parties, because I didn't invite them, and my parties kicked major ass. For real.

Anyway, simple truth? There are incredibly few friends. Now, and through life. Some people say they have a lot of friends but they have a different concept of friendship. To them, it's going out and shopping and gossiping together, not actually talking about problems or being there for each other. If your concept is similar to mine, and it seems to be, sorry, but get used to it. It's an awful thing to say, but VERY few people will deserve to be called friends.

Tizzalicious
06-19-2006, 08:42 AM
Listen to Iz, she speaks the truth.

notoriousdoc
06-19-2006, 08:47 AM
I can't hear isolation without thinking of The Mighty Boosh now.

Isolation (live) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LVsFuScCUMg&mode=related&search=mighty%20boosh%20isolation)

Keep watching until the pink hot pants.

Erm, anyway. I don't feel that way much but when I do I can enjoy it, no expectations and you can't let anybody, no?

Jebus
06-19-2006, 08:48 AM
I think I could relate to some of that.

I have a group of friends at school which I hang out with everyday during lunch/nutrition. It's strange though. Our whole group never seems to hang out outside of school. Each person tends to have other groups of friends inside the school in which they have their social lives with outside out school. The thing is that I don't really have another group of close enough friends to hang out with outside of school so I never seem to go out much. I mean, I do have other friends but I don't really know them well enough to hang out with. Even with some close friends outside my group, I wouldn't feel comfortable going out with them because I don't know their friends at all. I would feel like a tag-along.

My friends never seem to invite me along when they go out with their other friends. I know they like me but maybe for some reason they think I won't fit with their other friends. What's really annoying is that two of my best friends in my group are part of another group that hang out with each other. Sometimes they start talking about making plans to go out and I feel like a social retard because they never consider inviting me.

Maybe I'm blaming my problems on other people too much. Like it's not me. It's them. I know a huge part of the problem is that I never make the initiave to ask people to hang out. Hopefully, I'll try to change that aspect in my personaly when I get to college this fall.

JoY
06-19-2006, 08:51 AM
All I wanna say is relax. Relax completely. Don't think, don't care, don't try, just be. If you wanna say something funny, say it. If you wanna be obnoxious, be. If you wanna stick your tongue out and make faces, do that. Some people will like it, some won't, and then? Who cares? Do not think about whether they like it. Why do they have to like it? Not everyone can like you. Not everyone should.
uh huh. *nods* definitely listen to that.

I do have a few problems, concerning that. I do like to be liked. aren't I a soft little sucker. I am NOT willing to adjust myself, though. maybe, maybe, my behaviour, things like that. but not myself. still sometimes I feel I do too fucking much to be liked. or maybe it's in the things I don't do. either way, it's ridiculous.


The rest I have to bug for days. I don't think that means they're not friends though. Actually, I consider some of the people I have to bug to see better friends than some of the ones who actually invite me out.
exactly!


Anyway, simple truth? There are incredibly few friends. Now, and through life. Some people say they have a lot of friends but they have a different concept of friendship. To them, it's going out and shopping and gossiping together, not actually talking about problems or being there for each other. If your concept is similar to mine, and it seems to be, sorry, but get used to it. It's an awful thing to say, but VERY few people will deserve to be called friends.
I fully, completely, utterly agree.

0r4ng3
06-19-2006, 08:51 AM
Jebus, I know what you mean. I have some school friends, but I feel that I'm the only one without friends outside of school. Though, my group of friends tend to hang out outside of school a bit more than yours.

All About Eve
06-19-2006, 08:54 AM
Completely happy is relatively unrelated to friends, in my case. Then again, maybe I'm odd. Or maybe it's because I know I have a handful of FRIENDS, people I trust and can talk to and can turn to for help. They piss me off on occassion, sometimes I don't want to see them for a while, but they do exist.

I have a shitload of acquaintances. Those are people I like and who serve a purpose in my life, most often to be entertaining. They may not be the brightest or the best in the world, but they're useful if I'm bored. And they're amazingly easy to gain. The stupider among them will even consider you a friend. Whatever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Nina's issue is that no matter how hard she tries, she can't find those few friends, because no one's willing to step up to that level and go past the level you described in the second paragraph.

Yeah, I totally know what you mean/feel that way exactly. Really wish I could offer advice.

Tizzalicious
06-19-2006, 08:57 AM
Jebus, I know what you mean. I have some school friends, but I feel that I'm the only one without friends outside of school. Though, my group of friends tend to hang out outside of school a bit more than yours.

It was always like that for me too, when I was in school. I'd hang out with them at school, but never outside of school. I wasn't really into the same stuff though. So I didn't really mind I guess.

Then I also had loads of migraines, so I started being at school less and less, and that kinda showed who my real friends there were, no one.

After school, I got some new friends, but all of them were spread out everywhere, like one friend here, one there, I never really had a group of friends I hung out with (still don't), all my "seperate" friends have their own groups, but I'm not in one of the groups, I'm just friends with the seperate people. Or something.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:11 AM
Thank you all for replying. I really enjoyed it. I want to say something to everyone but I cant cause it's so much, so I'll keep it short...

In response to Just A Girl, Nicole and Izie: Big groups arent my thing in general, so you are definitely right, Just A Girl. And I have the feeling that the majority of people enjoy a small group of friends, anyway. Basically...I agree with you and cant add anything to it :P However, in my post I meant that I have no friends at all. It's not just feeling lonely, or not liking my friends, its about not having any friends to dislike. They are more like what Izie calls aquaintences. I dont have any anxiety issues, either. Actually, I dont think there is anything wrong with me. People just seem to suck and that is getting to me.

Izie, you say it as if it is so easy. I dont think there are a lot of people out there who can just be themselves without having to worry whether they are liked or not. I think it's in our nature to be like that. Humans live in groups, and we want to be liked. I think you are more of an exception, but I seriously wish I was like that.
Also, isnt it easier to be an exception and not give a fuck at all when you are liked anyway? I havent seen anyone who sucks big big time personality wise not give a fuck. Such things are easier to say when you are a person who is somewhat loved.

And about the calls...I dunno about you or your surroundings, but i know PLENTLY of people who get phone calls 24/7, namely my boyfriend. He has a group of friends he "belongs" to (I see them as little objects I can examine :P Okay not really, but you get the idea). They seriously call each other nonstop and ask the person to show up. Litterally every day. Now that school is over we cant blame it on that, either.
I honestly dont want to be like that, dont get me wrong. I have no desire to be popular, because I dont like too much attention (an average amount of attention is great); this is what I mean with wanting close friends.

Gülsah! I hoped you'd reply because you were one of the people I had in mind when I made this topic. I guess what you said can be combined to what Just A Girl said... you like your friends and all, but they get boring because you arent really close. right? Or are you close to them and did I get this completely wrong?
And you are right, things might change for me when I am in university. High school blows cock anyway. But I am still scared that it might all be the same old song again.

JoY
06-19-2006, 09:11 AM
AAE, that's also how I interpret it.

there's supposedly a major difference between outgoing people & really shy people. & supershy friends I had (have, actually, but they're not half as shy as they used to be) always said it was easier for me, because I'm outgoing. "it" being 'making friends', life in general, you name it. but in the mean while they were all I had. (sounds tragic, but it's actually quite fucking fantastic) they just didn't realise it & I didn't realise it. because I thought even they weren't commited to the friendship as much as I was.

generally being open, curious & inviting (I just am, SORRY.) sometimes made me question if my close friends, my real friends could see how much I cared about them, personally, & if they could appreciate it, knowing I act pretty outgoing in general. I mean, I might be talkative, opened up, things like that, but there are things I don't do/discuss/share with anyone but the ones I care a great fucking deal about. & I just wondered if they'd know I'd do so much for them, also under different circumstances.

that's all pretty clear now, though.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:13 AM
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Nina's issue is that no matter how hard she tries, she can't find those few friends, because no one's willing to step up to that level and go past the level you described in the second paragraph.


You are completely right, thank you very very much. I needed 934934 words to explain the same thing, duh.
And I know that might sound horribly selfish or stupid, but it is nice to hear that I am not the only person with that problem. I seriously considered that my social skills might be horrible. Maybe they are, but then we're at least two :P
What I mean is, you do help :]

Izie
06-19-2006, 09:14 AM
I do have a few problems, concerning that. I do like to be liked. aren't I a soft little sucker. I am NOT willing to adjust myself, though. maybe, maybe, my behaviour, things like that. but not myself. still sometimes I feel I do too fucking much to be liked. or maybe it's in the things I don't do. either way, it's ridiculous.

Hey, sometimes everyone feels like being liked, why not? I like being liked when it comes to people I repect, it's normal.


Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think Nina's issue is that no matter how hard she tries, she can't find those few friends, because no one's willing to step up to that level and go past the level you described in the second paragraph.

There is no solution to it. It's pure luck - either you find the people or you don't. I stayed friends with 3 people from elementary school and 2 people from highschool. Out of the very many people I knew. The rest of my friends are online people.

But there's a problem. Group B are people I just "know", but I COULD put in the effort and make them friends. They're not bad people, but I'd have to accept that *I* have to put in the effort - they won't be the ones to do that, and that *I* have to call them, and that they won't be available a huge portion of the time.

For me, it's breaking barriers. If people don't invite you, ask if you can tag along. If they like you, I'm pretty sure they won't say no. Yeah it's slightly embarassing, so? If they don't make the first step, you'd better do it. Someone has to. And only that way, by meeting more and more people, you can hope to find someone worth the attention. Luckily, it's usually a chain reaction. Or at least it has been, in my case.

Basically, people suck and if you want something out of them, you gotta try real hard, for a really long time (well, depending what you want), but also be ready to accept a lot of failures, a lot of sacrifices, and a lot of behaviour you don't understand, or possibly misinterpret.

All About Eve
06-19-2006, 09:17 AM
I'm beginning to wonder if it's just some people graced with bad social luck. Two years ago I moved from a private school (almost everyone actually hated me there) to a public school (going into 8th grade), and by the end of the year it was almost like nothing had ever changed, even though I had tons of new oppurtunities.

Basically, it boils down to this (I think). Everyone has their own best friends and groups, and while they will talk to you, they don't want to get too close and shake up what they already have. Along the line somewhere I missed out on the forming of these groups.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:18 AM
she's just extremely insecure & every tiny little bad thing that happens, that someone does, or says, she blows up to the size of China & she keeps thinking about it, untill she's thinking in circles. circles, circles, circles. & she doesn't particularly want to be paranoid, but if you're insecure & you read too deeply into things, thinking about it, untill you even think about it at night..

Absolutely. I dont want to sound all bitter but I dont see how a person who has a good amount of close friends would have that problem. Friends give security, in a way.



when you want to study medicine, you hardly have control over where you're going to study it. eventually I was placed in Amsterdam. that was a lump in my throat to swallow & a slight adjustment in my mind, but I remember being relieved the choice was made for me.


Well, Psychology is the same as you know, so now I really hope that I will be able to accept it as much as you did. I mean, it's really difficult to start over. Okay, I might not have close friends, but there are a couple people I could call for little things.... being completely on your own would suck soooo much.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:20 AM
Basically, people suck and if you want something out of them, you gotta try real hard, for a really long time (well, depending what you want), but also be ready to accept a lot of failures, a lot of sacrifices, and a lot of behaviour you don't understand, or possibly misinterpret.

Absolutely. I think dealing with this, trying real hard and accepting failures for nine years in a row is a good sign, no?

I dont want to make this into a huge complaining topic. I just feel like talking about it. I really hoped I'd find people on here who'd be willing to talk. I am glad I did not get disappointed.

All About Eve
06-19-2006, 09:21 AM
There is no solution to it. It's pure luck - either you find the people or you don't. I stayed friends with 3 people from elementary school and 2 people from highschool. Out of the very many people I knew. The rest of my friends are online people.

But there's a problem. Group B are people I just "know", but I COULD put in the effort and make them friends. They're not bad people, but I'd have to accept that *I* have to put in the effort - they won't be the ones to do that, and that *I* have to call them, and that they won't be available a huge portion of the time.

For me, it's breaking barriers. If people don't invite you, ask if you can tag along. If they like you, I'm pretty sure they won't say no. Yeah it's slightly embarassing, so? If they don't make the first step, you'd better do it. Someone has to. And only that way, by meeting more and more people, you can hope to find someone worth the attention. Luckily, it's usually a chain reaction. Or at least it has been, in my case.

Basically, people suck and if you want something out of them, you gotta try real hard, for a really long time (well, depending what you want), but also be ready to accept a lot of failures, a lot of sacrifices, and a lot of behaviour you don't understand, or possibly misinterpret.
Well now I'm to the point where I've been trying for years to get people from elementary school, middle school, etc. to be closer friends, and while they used to talk to me some, it's now where our only communication is when I initiate it, and I've grown tired of forcing everyone around me to talk to me. Or when I'm with a group, they'll all sort of drift off and I'll be stuck following them around.

Edit: I'm not trying to complain, just give examples.

Izie
06-19-2006, 09:22 AM
Izie, you say it as if it is so easy. I dont think there are a lot of people out there who can just be themselves without having to worry whether they are liked or not. I think it's in our nature to be like that. Humans live in groups, and we want to be liked. I think you are more of an exception, but I seriously wish I was like that.

It's not easy AT ALL. It takes effort and constant work and self-improvement, so you can be confident enough to be able to be relaxed with others. Sorry if I made it sound easy. It really isn't. I just went through some very useful phases, for instance not being liked. When i wasn't liked already, I could afford to act however the fuck I wanted, since it couldn't hurt, right? Well after that I just kept that behavious with the new people I met, and apparently it worked. But no, it hasn't been easy.


Also, isnt it easier to be an exception and not give a fuck at all when you are liked anyway? I havent seen anyone who sucks big big time personality wise not give a fuck. Such things are easier to say when you are a person who is somewhat loved.

I really don't know, I never considered myself liked. I am rather amazed when new people I meet say I'm cool. I think I am a rather unpleasant person. Entertaining, but oppinionated, argumentative and brutally honest. IRL mostly, though.


And about the calls...I dunno about you or your surroundings, but i know PLENTLY of people who get phone calls 24/7, namely my boyfriend. He has a group of friends he "belongs" to (I see them as little objects I can examine :P Okay not really, but you get the idea). They seriously call each other nonstop and ask the person to show up. Litterally every day. Now that school is over we cant blame it on that, either.
I honestly dont want to be like that, dont get me wrong. I have no desire to be popular, because I dont like too much attention (an average amount of attention is great); this is what I mean with wanting close friends.

Depends. I know people who hang out a lot, call each other a lot, but are not close in the sense I need to be close to people. *shrug* i really could be wrong because I don't know anything about their group. But I bet they were building that group for a long time either way.

Honestly. The whole friends business is NOT easy if you have high demands. Not at all.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:26 AM
The thing is that I don't really have another group of close enough friends to hang out with outside of school so I never seem to go out much. I mean, I do have other friends but I don't really know them well enough to hang out with.


That is definitely a problem that a lot of people have. I have noticed that (online).
To be honest, Germany (and maybe also other european countries) seem to be different to America in that aspect. When you described all these groups I realized that we dont have this problem in German schools (as far as I can tell), and if so then it's not that big.
People who are in the same class tend to hang out with each other after school. In reverse, this is the reason why I lost my bff. She went to a different high school and since then we havent had a lot of contact.

Izie
06-19-2006, 09:28 AM
I'm beginning to wonder if it's just some people graced with bad social luck. Two years ago I moved from a private school (almost everyone actually hated me there) to a public school (going into 8th grade), and by the end of the year it was almost like nothing had ever changed, even though I had tons of new oppurtunities.

Basically, it boils down to this (I think). Everyone has their own best friends and groups, and while they will talk to you, they don't want to get too close and shake up what they already have. Along the line somewhere I missed out on the forming of these groups.

This is correct, if you ask me.


Absolutely. I think dealing with this, trying real hard and accepting failures for nine years in a row is a good sign, no?

I think it's a great sign. But what AAE said sort of nails it down.

Also, I really like the topic, and i rarely like topics. Props to Nina!


Well now I'm to the point where I've been trying for years to get people from elementary school, middle school, etc. to be closer friends, and while they used to talk to me some, it's now where our only communication is when I initiate it, and I've grown tired of forcing everyone around me to talk to me. Or when I'm with a group, they'll all sort of drift off and I'll be stuck following them around.

Oh I understand this completely. I hated people in elementary school. It was only after it, that I met some of them again in different contexts, and we became good friends. Highschool was slightly better, but only slightly.

Also, disclaiemer. I'm not trying to sound all holy and smart, I'm just saying what I do (and I'm somewhat pleased with my social life here). I know the other side too - while living in Belgium, I knew no one. No one. But after serious analysis, I realized that this was because I had stopped trying - I was too afraid to try, as I was already depressed about other things. I'm a big fan of initiative - I used to organize get-togethers, parties, fieldtrips, going to a park, whatever. That's how I got close to most of the great people I know.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:30 AM
All About Eve, we seem to be very alike. I agree with everything you have said so far. I suddenly feel so.....naked. oh my!

Izie...then you have your ways to make it seem like you are loved :D
No seriously. I guess for me to be understood better I have to say the following: In relation to me, you are VERY liked. In relation to you, Gülsah is LOVED. Haha.

All About Eve
06-19-2006, 09:32 AM
Oh yeah, I didn't become good friends with those guys until a year or two out of elementary school, and then started growing apart again a couple years later.

During my two year time in middle school at that private school, I had a lot of friends from an all girls school (ours was an all guy school) that was our counterpart of sorts, but a lot of them actually look down on me because I go to a public school now and I made the decision to stop talking to them in that case.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:34 AM
I know the other side too - while living in Belgium, I knew no one. No one. But after serious analysis, I realized that this was because I had stopped trying - I was too afraid to try, as I was already depressed about other things. I'm a big fan of initiative - I used to organize get-togethers, parties, fieldtrips, going to a park, whatever. That's how I got close to most of the great people I know.

Shit, how long do we know each other now? I had seriously forgotten that you lived in Belgium. That is indeed stupidy. :/
I remember what you said about "isolation" when you lived there. I never really saw it that way, but now you do seem kinda mighty and holy :P
You are...happy after all, right? I know you replied to that in your first post, but you kinda drifted away. I understand that you are happy for other (bigger better sexier) reasons, but your friends also play a big part, dont they? Wouldnt you feel miserable without those close people? Didnt you feel miserable because of that when you were in Belgium? And now, imagine someone who has never had close friends. Isnt that a simple desaster?

All About Eve
06-19-2006, 09:44 AM
On a somewhat related note, aside from one guy I went to elementary school with, I probably talk to Mike/Coke-a-Holic more than anyone else.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:45 AM
I'm sorry if thats a horribly stupid question and that I am supposed to know...but..do you know him in real life?

JoY
06-19-2006, 09:46 AM
AAE, it's not something you completely missed out on, I can't imagine that. err, that might sound very harsh, because it seems you do feel it that way. I don't want to rub anything in & it's not like I can't imagine someone not having built any relationships at all over time, I just can't imagine YOU never built any relationships at all over time.

don't you think it's well possible that if you get into trouble (or someone you know), suddenly feelings of friendship show that you hadn't recognised as those yet? that you discover you'd been in each other's neighbourhood the whole time, close to each other, without fully connecting on a level that you both understood the value of each other's presence?


Absolutely. I dont want to sound all bitter but I dont see how a person who has a good amount of close friends would have that problem. Friends give security, in a way.

Well, Psychology is the same as you know, so now I really hope that I will be able to accept it as much as you did. I mean, it's really difficult to start over. Okay, I might not have close friends, but there are a couple people I could call for little things.... being completely on your own would suck soooo much.
friends do give some security, but they can't make someone insecure secure. not someone that really is insecure for whatever reason. you can be insecure because of a lack of friends, but let's be realistic; you can be insecure - also having friends - for a whole other reason.

obviously she doesn't consider anyone a close friend. which just is the truth. because she'll talk to me, pretty openly even, but she won't fully trust me & let me in. I understand it, I fully do, but it is frustrating I try to get through to her & that she just shuts off for me. I know she does & I feel she's keeping me at distance. she's trying to open up, she's trying to talk to me & to trust me & the things I say to her. she just can't, not now. & that's fine, because the fact she's trying will eventually help her on her way to where she wants to be. but now she's too wrapped up in insecurity.

she'll really have to work on herself, because I'm trying & trying & trying & she'll be mad if I don't ring her back immediately. & that's not what defines a friendship, ringing someone back the second after getting a message. not in my definition. if she thinks I dislike her just because of that, don't you think it's well possible she's scared I'll dislike her, because she dislikes herself?

this, by the way, is a piece of my own medicine. I must've been a real pain to people who loved me. :/

she just has to.. get in peace with herself? something like that.. accept she isn't fucking perfect. she's "ruined"/"wasted" an entire year of her studies being insecure & now she's kicked out of university. luckily we have two universities in Amsterdam, but she shouldn't think that this next year is going to be a fresh start & that everything is going to be different. she says she wants to move, switch studies, do something else, be somewhere else, even have different friends - all the time. but she has a problem. because wherever she goes, whatever she'll be doing, whoever she'll collect around her.. she'll always have to drag around herself. & right now she's dragging herself around like she's 500kg.

you'll have to reach in first, before you can reach out. I don't even know how else to say it. I don't want to scare/hurt you, you're one of the last persons on earth I'd want to scare or hurt. but as I said before.. a new start, a fresh leaf, starting over.. that's not what can change the situation. only you can do that. & it's superdifficult, it's not a button you can press, or a switch you can pull - like I said, it's a process. I don't know what else to say.

All About Eve
06-19-2006, 09:51 AM
AAE, it's not something you completely missed out on, I can't imagine that. err, that might sound very harsh, because it seems you do feel it that way. I don't want to rub anything in & it's not like I can't imagine someone not having built any relationships at all over time, I just can't imagine YOU never built any relationships at all over time.

don't you think it's well possible that if you get into trouble (or someone you know), suddenly feelings of friendship show that you hadn't recognised as those yet? that you discover you'd been in each other's neighbourhood the whole time, close to each other, without fully connecting on a level that you both understood the value of each other's presence?
I can imagine that happening with maybe one of my friends, who I've known literally forever, and he's one of my few actual friends. But I only met the literal kids in my neighborhood two years ago, and my neighbor hardly knows me, and two of the others don't like me.

I think my misfortune was, I started maturing extremely early. Easily a couple years before the girls even. For example, I was around 5'7 when I finished 5th grade, now I'm going into tenth and I've almost stopped at 5'10ish. I wasn't just portrayed as different, I literally was, and was probably around 3 (if not more) years "older" than most guys in my grade. It was also a very awkward stage, which made me less than appealing to the girl side, and it kind of snowballed from there.

Edit: no, I don't know Mike in real life.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:51 AM
you'll have to reach in first, before you can reach out. I don't even know how else to say it. I don't want to scare/hurt you, you're one of the last persons on earth I'd want to scare or hurt. but as I said before.. a new start, a fresh leaf, starting over.. that's not what can change the situation. only you can do that. & it's superdifficult, it's not a button you can press, or a switch you can pull - like I said, it's a process. I don't know what else to say.

I guess this is where we disagree.
True, nobody can just sit on their couch with foldered arms and say "oh, boo, hoo. Nobody likes me, boo". Of course there has to be some effort. Of course you have to try. But I agree with AAE who said that some people just seem to have that bad luck. I dont think I have too many problems inside of me. My problems built up as I lost all of my friends and then was absolutely unable to build friendships the last nine years. That inability doesnt seem to come from me alone. A lot of people have told me that but as soon as I tried to explain step by step why it just CANT be my fault alone, they realized it. It would take a lot of time to do it here, and I also doubt that anyone wants to hear it, but let me just tell you that it is not just a "reach inside yourself" process to become close friends with people.

killer_queen
06-19-2006, 09:51 AM
Gülsah! I hoped you'd reply because you were one of the people I had in mind when I made this topic. I guess what you said can be combined to what Just A Girl said... you like your friends and all, but they get boring because you arent really close. right? Or are you close to them and did I get this completely wrong?
And you are right, things might change for me when I am in university. High school blows cock anyway. But I am still scared that it might all be the same old song again.
Oh no... They get boring because I'm close. See, I don't really like most of my friends. They don't have anything to talk, gossiping is the only thing we can do (and I'm not really uncomfortable with it). I do have a couple of friends to share my everything and I think everyone should have one of them but that's all. My relationships getting weirder everyday. Today they called me and asked me if I wanted to go out with them and I prefered tidying my room, checking the BBS and finishing Monkey Island 2 instead. Since I've been doing that they started to call me less and I think you might have the same problem. I saw you a lot of times saying your friends sucked. Maybe that's the reason. Maybe you are the one who makes you less... I don't know, noticable?

And I am not loved in fact. What makes my friend call me all the time is my talent about organizing(?) meetings. Without me they don't know where to go, how to go, when to go... Also I give good advice, that's why I get LOTS of phone calls every day. I mean, the more people get to know you the more they like and need you. Or something like that.

Nina
06-19-2006, 09:56 AM
and finishing Monkey Island 2.


I love you.

But now an actual response..

"I saw you a lot of times saying your friends sucked. Maybe that's the reason. Maybe you are the one who makes you less... I don't know, noticable?"

Oh yeah, I know what you refer to. Well, with "friends", I meant "my boyfriend's friends" in that case...and I somehow have to like them :[ Because I have to deal with them. They are actually the aquaintences I mentioned.



What makes my friend call me all the time is my talent about organizing meetings. [...] Also I give good advice, that's why I get LOTS of phone calls every day.

I thought of that, too. This is maybe why people without real, close friends tend to become insecure so easily. They suddenly feel like they arent needed. Like nobody wants them. They grow this extremly deep loneliness inside of them because of that. Then they stop trying (like Izie mentioned somewhere). And the entire thing becomes a circle.

All About Eve
06-19-2006, 09:57 AM
I dont think I have too many problems inside of me. My problems built up as I lost all of my friends and then was absolutely unable to build friendships the last nine years. That inability doesnt seem to come from me alone. A lot of people have told me that but as soon as I tried to explain step by step why it just CANT be my fault alone, they realized it. It would take a lot of time to do it here, and I also doubt that anyone wants to hear it, but let me just tell you that it is not just a "reach inside yourself" process to become close friends with people.
Yesyesyes. Although mine's not nine years going, I am going into my fourth year with a diagnosed depression, which started in 7th because everyone hated me (not paranoia, they blantantly told me). If I had had one or two good friends at the time, I could easily have avoided all that came after.

And I absolutely, totally *hate* it when people tell me you just have to try harder (sorry, Isa). If that's all it took, I (and you, Nina, I'm guessing) wouldn't have this problem.

killer_queen
06-19-2006, 10:06 AM
I thought of that, too. This is maybe why people without real, close friends tend to become insecure so easily. They suddenly feel like they arent needed. Like nobody wants them. They grow this extremly deep loneliness inside of them because of that. Then they stop trying (like Izie mentioned somewhere). And the entire thing becomes a circle.
Having a real, close friend is pretty hard. All of the teenager girls are jealous bitches and all of the teenager boys acts like a good friend and suddenly you hear him talking about how he wants you fuck you with his friends. Believe me I've had more than enough experiments with them.

But also having a good friend makes you more confident and you don't need any other friends somehow. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing...

JoY
06-19-2006, 10:17 AM
I guess this is where we disagree.
True, nobody can just sit on their couch with foldered arms and say "oh, boo, hoo. Nobody likes me, boo". Of course there has to be some effort. Of course you have to try. But I agree with AAE who said that some people just seem to have that bad luck. I dont think I have too many problems inside of me. My problems built up as I lost all of my friends and then was absolutely unable to build friendships the last nine years. That inability doesnt seem to come from me alone. A lot of people have told me that but as soon as I tried to explain step by step why it just CANT be my fault alone, they realized it. It would take a lot of time to do it here, and I also doubt that anyone wants to hear it, but let me just tell you that it is not just a "reach inside yourself" process to become close friends with people.
oh crap, I think I just explained myself EXTREMELY badly. I didn't mean that you aren't trying, Nina. not at all. I know you do. plus, it's not just YOUR problem you don't have any close friends - as far as I know you, I consider it a problem of many people who'll never have the pleasure of knowing you.

it could never be your fault alone, anyway. a friendship is formed by 2 people, two, duos, twee, TWO. I never wanted to make it look like you don't try, or that this is your fault. I was talking mostly about my friend & she's an individual case, who just won't let me in, while she keeps knocking on my door repeatedly & I keep knocking on her door repeatedly. & she asks for my advice & help & I acknowledge that & try my best, but at the same time I know she won't trust/take it, when I give it. I told you, she mostly has trust-issues. that's just her main problem & the reason she's pushing the ones away she loves the most. she's just scared to get hurt. she'll sleep at someone's place for a night (boys she doesn't shag, but fools around with), but as soon as she forgets her sunglasses, which means she has to see him again, she goes nuts with fear she'll start liking him too much.

you are not her. I was talking to you, but it was after setting her as an example. I just meant that this is her problem & I thought that maybe you could relate. it was a general statement, kind of cheesy; reach in, before trying to reach out. what Izie said? self-improvement? yeah well, it was meant kind of like that. as in, trying to find the reason you feel insecure/lonely & see if that's just because you don't have friends, or because there's something else. & how you can control that/do something about that. I didn't mean to say that would solve everything. there are only a few things you can control on this planet. it's not the amount of friends you have, that's not what kind of person you are, what others think of you, what kind of persons others are, but you can control yourself. so.. yeah. that's all I tried to say & I said it with long long posts that now appear.. foolish. *scratches head*

I can't just wals in a topic, read your posts & say within a few minutes what the problem is. better yet, I couldn't do that with certainty, even if I knew you my whole life. even whether you have a problem I can't know, because I don't know what you consider a problem. how to fix it is the last thing I'd know, because that's extremely personal & individual. please, take whatever could be useful from my posts, if there is anything, & ignore the rest. I just try. what I said generally applies to everyone. I don't mean that that is the problem that causes you to be/feel friendless.

Sin Studly
06-19-2006, 10:25 AM
Am I licking the vagina of the person seated to my left or my right at this pity-party?

ruroken
06-19-2006, 10:31 AM
/\ Try miraculously licking both

They wouldnt tell me not to come to a party, to a meeting, whatever; I'd be welcome in general.. but they also would never keep me in mind and consider asking me.

I fucking hate that! It's like... [us] not existing...

JoY
06-19-2006, 10:36 AM
Having a real, close friend is pretty hard. All of the teenager girls are jealous bitches and all of the teenager boys acts like a good friend and suddenly you hear him talking about how he wants you fuck you with his friends. Believe me I've had more than enough experiments with them.

But also having a good friend makes you more confident and you don't need any other friends somehow. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing...
like, people walking all over others, right? I've had these experiences all my life. from the age of 4 - which is only because my memory doesn't go that far back & because till that age you can't do too much - to today. people simply are sneaky. I know I can be. I've never wanted to hurt someone, though, & do know I was deliberately hurt quite a few times. either that, or people aren't only sneaky, but also very dumb.

& what you said about having a good friend is true. for me. I had a great friend all my life, I lost her almost as a friend & then I actually almost lost her, because she almost died. I was extremely lost after that. there are many things that make you feel "needed", give your existence a purpose & all that jazz. friends are one of them.

Kayleigh
06-19-2006, 01:46 PM
I feel pretty isolated some of the time too. I have a wonderful fiancee, who is my best friend, but I don't have anyone else to hang out with.

I've always been a private person really, so the friends I made in school were more people to have fun with, rather than to talk to. I still keep in touch with three people from school, but one of them has moved away, one is completely absorbed in a long distance relationship and has stopped answering calls and text messages (but I'll wait for her to get over that) and my other friend's life is so completely different to mine that we don't get time to speak to each other. I realised earlier this year how important keeping in touch with them is, and I've really tried, but at times we drift and I'm just waiting for them to realise it too.

I made one friend in college. This was mostly my fault because we just sat around and talked about how much better we were than everyone else. I wasn't too bothered about having only one friend because we clicked. After college we started going out around three times a week to catch up, but we went on holiday together for two weeks and it was just too much time to spend with a friend. She loves to complain and I liked to explore, and I think we had too much time together. We never argued, but it's not the same. She works seven days a week now, so I just don't get to see her, which is a shame.

I have one really great friend that I can talk to everything about, Naz, who I met on this board, but again changes in our lives have stopped us from talking as often as we did. She also lives pretty far away, so we can't just go out.

That's all my friends in the world. Now, I don't go anywhere to make friends. I only work with people who are a lot older. I don't go out anywhere. I also just don't like that many people! I can't understand them, and I don't have that much in common with a lot of people. I feel quite isolated at times, because I don't have the kind of friends that just call me up and want to go out. But I'm not that kind of friend either. I know that people care really, but I guess that at the age I'm at, and that they're at, there are lots of things going on in all their lives, work, studying, boyfriends/girlfriends and they forget how important their friends or making new friends are temporarily.

Izie
06-19-2006, 02:50 PM
Shit, how long do we know each other now? I had seriously forgotten that you lived in Belgium. That is indeed stupidy. :/
I remember what you said about "isolation" when you lived there. I never really saw it that way, but now you do seem kinda mighty and holy :P
You are...happy after all, right? I know you replied to that in your first post, but you kinda drifted away. I understand that you are happy for other (bigger better sexier) reasons, but your friends also play a big part, dont they? Wouldnt you feel miserable without those close people? Didnt you feel miserable because of that when you were in Belgium? And now, imagine someone who has never had close friends. Isnt that a simple desaster?

It's really, truly, honestly, all about effort for me. When I decided to stay in Antwerp longer and go out with people, I did. And it was fun. When I decided to go out in the evenings, that was fun too. It was all about ME deciding to make the effort. Now maybe I'm just lucky, I don't know. And here... Well, this is where I grew up. This is the place I own and always have owned, even when people didn't like me ;)

I felt miserable in belgium out of multiple reasons. I think friends contributed, but when I DID make the effort, it was ok. I missed some of my friends, sometimes, but never a lot. I just missed people in general, otherwise I don't get attached very easily :/

I'm just pretty lucky, I suppose.

wheelchairman
06-19-2006, 03:41 PM
I've been in the situation. Let's take the communist party. I've been a member for a year. I work in it. I go to some of the social events. And yet I don't have a single friend there. Not that they don't like me.

I've decided to simply stop going to most of the stuff they do. Use my resources elsewhere.

You have ended high school and are about to move on. Embrace this new community.

I will say this however. Parties can help you bond. Drinking loosens people up and they become much friendlier at parties among friends (usually.) I've made good friends while drunking.

But you can also do this in small groups.

There is however, no easy answer. When you meet a new group of people, get to know them, go to all the social events. I'd say you should start drinking, but then you might hate me. :(

Betty
06-20-2006, 04:52 AM
Wow, this thread is intense.

I've always had issues with forming friendships. I just moved across the country to a new place where I don't know a soul and it's an interesting exercise in forming relationships. I am 100% self conscious of everything I do. I am an interesting and fun person and people enjoy my company, I believe, but I'm SO SHY. I'm not even that shy,reallly, but it still presents that barrier I'd rather not have.

I sorta agree with Iz though that a lot of it is about effort. I want alll these people to like me, I want to make new friends. Therefore I will do thing purposely like make sure I'm in the office after work on a Friday so that I get an invite to come to the pub, and then I will say yes of course. If I just left, I would never get around to meeting anyone. And I find I'm always the one to e-=mail friends, to plan social engagements etc/

I thought it was this great idea to go camping with these friends from uni this summer and even if I organize it everyone's gonna be like "oh, I don't know yet, blah blah" so it's impossible to plan. Just like NYC... I'm trying to rent a hotel and whatnot but not enough people are really willing to commit... so I feel like a big loser.

So basically I just start living life day to day and see how it goes. At the same time I want to hold on to all of my old friends or even not so much friends but people I knew that I thought were great and I also want to meet new people because it is an exciting experience and you expand your horizons, etc.

This post makes no sense and I am sorta drunk and have to wake up early tomorrow, but would love to reply more coherently cause it's interesting. I'll try for tomorrow.

Rocky-girl
06-20-2006, 05:31 AM
Friends... There is nobody in the world that I can name with this world. 2 years ago I found a border between friend and andacquaintance (I don't know for sure is it right word). But look: for me friend is a person I can trust to,who has tastes like me. I can't say that I'm totally alone. I have person to go for a walk with, to laugh with. But I haven't person to talk to. Yes I had that feeling you're talking about. At first I tried to make something, to be good for them. But then I got tired of it, and stopped. But that person who was really interested in me started to find ways to talk to me, soon we became friends. But then parted.
Well this year I studied hardly. That's why I became so serious. And now it's hard for me to talk with person I don't know. You know that's conversation about nothing.
Nina, I think you have a good imagination, than maybe you have to make people listen to you, to respect your words?

Or a just wrongly got topic?

HeadAroundU
06-20-2006, 06:24 AM
Nice thread! Everybody should read it. :)

but I don't feel like talking about it right now, maybe later.