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Prox
12-13-2006, 03:56 PM
There was once this second-rate orchestra led by a second-rate director.

In the orchestra was this guy on the cymbals who never banged them at the right time. So the conductor said, "If you don't get it right this time I'll kill you."

When the time came for the percussionist to get it right, he didn't. And so the director pulled out a gun and shot him dead.

Of course, the police came and arrested him and eventually the conductor ended up on death row. The day came when he was sent to the electric chair. As the crowd watched, the executionist flipped the switch ... but nothing happened. Everyone wondered what when wrong.

But the director knew. Saddened by all that had taken place, he said, "I never was a very good ... conductor!"

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 03:58 PM
lololololololololololololololol[fail]lololololololololololololololol

cute.

coke_a_holic
12-13-2006, 04:03 PM
*bdum tish*

Apathy
12-13-2006, 04:07 PM
Why did the snowman pull his pants down?

Because he saw the Snowblower coming!




ahahahahaha....*sigh*:(

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 04:12 PM
Q: What's red and yellow and climbs up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion.

Prox
12-13-2006, 04:15 PM
How do you know policemen are strong?

Becuase they can hold up traffic.

coke_a_holic
12-13-2006, 04:20 PM
I fucking love pun jokes.

What do you forget when you forget to pay the exorcist?

REPOSSESSED! ZOMGROFLMAO!


What did the headlines read when the short fortune teller escaped from prison?

"Small Medium at Large"

0r4ng3
12-13-2006, 04:23 PM
Speaking of pun jokes, there's my all time favorite.

A man walks into a bar, and suffers a mild concussion.

No, wait, that one's tied for first.

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

Prox
12-13-2006, 04:23 PM
A man got his left side of his body chopped off. Now he's all right.

I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The two scientist broke up because there wasn't any chemistry between them.

There was a pun contest in the newspaper, so a man submitted ten jokes, hoping one would win. Unfortunetly, no pun in ten did.

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 04:26 PM
Unfortenetly, no pun in ten did.



<3333333333333333333333333333333333!

Mota Boy
12-13-2006, 04:32 PM
There were a series of jokes my cousin used to tell that I've never heard since (probably for good reason). They all began "did you hear the one about...?"

Did you hear the one about the bed?

No?

Well off course not, it hasn't been made up yet!


Did you hear the one about the checkered pillow?

No?

That's surprising, it made all the headlines.


Did you hear the one about the three holes?

No?

Well, well well...

Prox
12-13-2006, 04:37 PM
A man walks into a bar and says "Ow."

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 04:40 PM
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was asalted.

0r4ng3
12-13-2006, 04:44 PM
How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

Prox
12-13-2006, 04:44 PM
What did one plate say to the other plate?

"Lunch is on me!"

Tijs
12-13-2006, 04:45 PM
How many boring people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.
Didn't someone make a huge list of "How many BBSers does it take to..."? I think Vera made it.

coke_a_holic
12-13-2006, 04:46 PM
What do you call a success in dieting?
The accomplishment of mind over platter.

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A-flat minor.

What do you call a shotgun wedding?
A case of wife or death.

All are so bad; I love it!

That_Guy91
12-13-2006, 04:49 PM
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mineshaft?
A-flat minor.

*high five*

Prox
12-13-2006, 04:49 PM
A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"

The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 04:51 PM
What did one plate say to the other plate?

"Lunch is on me!"

laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawlz!


Didn't someone make a huge list of "How many BBSers does it take to..."? I think Vera made it.

I found the list elsewhere and then posted it here. Then Mota Boy made a hilarious "How many Offspring BBSers..." version.

0r4ng3
12-13-2006, 04:51 PM
Didn't someone make a huge list of "How many BBSers does it take to..."? I think Vera made it.
A quick search, and...


Jesse [0r4ng3] to make a joke at the lightbulb's expense, then apologise.
Dammit.

http://www.offspring.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22524

All About Eve
12-13-2006, 05:04 PM
Atleast you had one. Adriann did mine like, a page and a half later if I remember right.

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 05:05 PM
Nothing, and I mean nothing beats the one he did for Jenny.

0r4ng3
12-13-2006, 05:06 PM
Indeed. Good times.

I think that thread needs an update, or would that just cheapen it?

All About Eve
12-13-2006, 05:08 PM
Double post!

Q: What do you call an occupied toilet on an in-flight airplane?
A: A high-pot-in-use

Two elements were walking down the street. One stops and says, "Hey! I lost an electron!"
The other replies, "What? Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm POSITIVE!"

Q: What newspaper did the dinosaurs read?
A: The Prehistoric Times

Sinister
12-13-2006, 05:51 PM
the lightbulb thread makes me wish I'd been a part of the BBS since the beginning :(

Lizardus
12-13-2006, 05:51 PM
Where does a pirate goes when he's hungry?
Arrrby's.

What does a pirate do when he's on the phone?
Booty calls.

Prox
12-13-2006, 06:07 PM
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

Mota Boy
12-13-2006, 06:17 PM
I think that thread needs an update, or would that just cheapen it?
There are certainly some that could be better, some that could be updated and some that could be added (Laura was a grave omission, but in my defense, she didn't post that much back then), but alas, it'd be forced now. Maybe another time, when it's unexpected. One of my personal favorite posts that really must be updated was the BBS drinking game from the yellow boards.


And the meeting... well, the meeting was its own series of little adventures - too much to tell now.
Great, now I've made myself curious. And I can't remember what meeting I would've gone to back then. Curse you, me.

Oh well, back to the puns.

So this man and this woman are having their their first child and they're incredibly excited. But on the day of birth, the child comes out and it's only a head. The parents are devastated, but they vow to love him and raise him anyway. They home school him so he won't be made fun of, but otherwise try to treat him normally. Finally, on his 21st birthday, his dad says "Son, now you're a man. I'm going to take you out and get you a beer." So they go to the bar and order a couple beers. The head drinks his and then suddenly he grows a neck. He's sittin' on the bar looking around going "Wow, this is awesome! Gimme another one!" So the bartender serves him up another, and he gulps it down and then sprouts a torso. The bartender is amazed, and the father and son are now really excited, so they quickly order another. The son gulps it down and two arms appear. The kid is so excited, he just keeps saying "No way!" and orders another. Finally, upon drinking the fourth beer, two legs shoot out from under him. He stands up and starts running around, so incredibly excited. And runs out in the street and gets hit by a car and dies.

The bartender looks at his dad and says. "Guess he should've quit while he was a head."

I Make SweetLove 2Nirvana
12-13-2006, 06:52 PM
if i was a pirate i could go in rrated movie cos ar pirates go ar. see?!

0r4ng3
12-13-2006, 06:56 PM
Hmm...should I or shouldn't I?

Ok, I'll do it.

Q: What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: The wall behind him.

Llamas
12-13-2006, 07:00 PM
Yessss, winwinwin!

Overworked & Underfucked
12-13-2006, 07:18 PM
Fuckin best joke ever.

All About Eve
12-13-2006, 07:31 PM
Oh my god. I think I'll be able to survive exams tomorrow.

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 07:42 PM
Q: What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?
A: The wall behind him.

I told that one on the BBS first :(

I'll just go to my second favorite Cobain joke:

Did you know that Kurt Cobain had a dandruff problem?

They found his Head & Shoulders behind the couch.

Llamas
12-13-2006, 07:46 PM
I told that one on the BBS first :(

I'll just go to my second favorite Cobain joke:

Did you know that Kurt Cobain had a dandruff problem?

They found his Head & Shoulders behind the couch.

I dun care whatchu did. Orange just won a small portion of the love I used to have for you. And that KC joke was subpar. :( *h8 4 JN*
wanna do it?

0r4ng3
12-13-2006, 07:48 PM
I told that one on the BBS first :(
I was actually trying to remember where I heard/saw it first. Anyways, prnk on u for not using it here before me.

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 07:52 PM
wanna do it?

Work on that gag reflex first, holler.


Anyways, prnk on u for not using it here before me.

PRNK ON ME :(:(:(

0r4ng3
12-13-2006, 08:00 PM
I'm beginning to think that I'm ruining the "prnk on" trend. Anyway, rebound joke.

Q: What do you call Bob The Builder when he retires?
A: Bob.

Apathy
12-13-2006, 08:38 PM
I found the list elsewhere and then posted it here. Then Mota Boy made a hilarious "How many Offspring BBSers..." version.

hahaha... I believe you actually saw that when I posted it in theoffspring.com forums. Or at least that's when I remember your thread popping up.

Q: What did the Shotgun call Kurt Cobain?
A: Kurt CaBANG!

ehhh that was lame, I apologize. Most of my funnier jokes don't work over the internet. :(

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 08:43 PM
hahaha... I believe you actually saw that when I posted it in theoffspring.com forums. Or at least that's when I remember your thread popping up.

I actually backtracked to try to remember when I saw it, and it was actually on a pro-wrestling forum I used to go to. Methinks the list was rapidly spreading to various areas of teh interwebz at the time.

Apathy
12-13-2006, 08:46 PM
Lolz, pro-wrestling.

My brother wants to go see that movie with John Cena in it. You know, for how much of wrestling is fake you'd think he'd be a better actor.

Llamas
12-13-2006, 08:48 PM
it was actually on a pro-wrestling forum I used to go to.

haha, you posted on a pro-wrestling forum! I hope it was a troll account.

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 09:37 PM
Lolz, pro-wrestling.

My brother wants to go see that movie with John Cena in it. You know, for how much of wrestling is fake you'd think he'd be a better actor.

Proceed to slap your brother in the face, thanks.

All About Eve
12-13-2006, 09:49 PM
Q: What has 6 arms, 6 legs, and two heads?

A: Nirvana

(pros to Mike)

I don't remember any of my old Nirvana jokes.

JohnnyNemesis
12-13-2006, 09:52 PM
Q: How does Kurt Cobain collect his thoughts?
A: He scrapes them off the wall.

Q: Why doesn't Kurt Cobain drive a car?
A: He'd rather ride shotgun.

Llamas
12-13-2006, 09:58 PM
Q: Why doesn't Kurt Cobain drive a car?
A: He'd rather ride shotgun.

BEST SO FAR. win.

calichix
12-14-2006, 02:01 AM
Did you hear the one about the checkered pillow?

No?

That's surprising, it made all the headlines.


NO! It's CORDOROY pillows! That joke gets me ALL the pootytang.

Llamas
12-14-2006, 03:13 AM
pootytang.

Oh god, that reminds me of this time I was at the movie store with one of my friends, and I saw a movie with a really sloppy looking title on it... it was hard to read, but it looked simply awful. My friend was a few aisles over, so I picked up the movie and yelled, "Hey, Ann! How about...... POOTY.... TANG!!!" Once I realized what I'd just broadcasted across the entire store, much laughter and embarassment ensued.

Mota Boy
12-14-2006, 05:45 AM
NO! It's CORDOROY pillows! That joke gets me ALL the pootytang.
Ah, yes! And that makes so much sense, as my cousin was from San Fran.