View Full Version : Blonde Jokes

12-17-2006, 02:26 PM
How are a blonde and a turtle the same?

Once on thier backs, they're both screwed.

What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.

What is the difference between a blonde and a misquito?

Once you slap the misquito it stops sucking.

What is the difference between a blonde and a brick?

Once you lay the brick it stops following you.

Why can a blonde only count up to 68?

Because 69 is quite a mouthful.

12-17-2006, 02:26 PM
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

12-17-2006, 02:27 PM
How does a blonde commit suicide?

She stacks up all her clothes and jumps off.

12-17-2006, 02:30 PM
What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Run like hell, she has a grenade in her hand.

Nineteen Seventy Nine
12-17-2006, 02:39 PM
I think this is a classic. Whenever I tell it to my friends, I get a laugh every time. However, I have stupid friends.

Three girls being held hostage. Redhead, brunette, and a blonde. These guys point a gun at the redhead, ask if she wants any last words. The men say "Ready, aim..." and the redhead screams "Police!". The dudes run away, come back and do the same with the brunette, "Ready, aim..." but she thought fast and responded with "Tornado!". They scatter, once again. They came back to finish off the blonde. They point their guns at her, and the blonde starts thinking what she's going to say. "Ready, aim..." "Fire!", yells the blonde.

12-17-2006, 02:43 PM
There is a blonde, brunette and a redhead in a car chase. They pull over and run into a barn. In the barn there are 3 potatoe sacks and they all hide in 1. The police go in and find the potatoe sacks. The police man kicks the brunette's first and she barks. The policeman says "oh its just a dog". He kicks the red head's next and she meow's. He says "oh its just a cat" . He kicks the blonde's next and she yells potatoe potatoe!

12-17-2006, 02:56 PM
why did the blonde get sacked from the m&m factory?!

she was throwing away all the w's!

12-17-2006, 03:25 PM
A troupe of brunettes, with one blonde girl in their trail, are travelling in the jungle. Their leader, Indiana Jones, warns that they're going to have to go over an abyss, with a raging flowing river beneath. He throws his lasso over the chasm, the lasso alights neatly on a rock, so they can all get to the other side using their hands. He's the first one to show, & arrives safely to the other side. Then all the brunettes, followed by the one blonde, get to work travelling, by sheer force of their hands.

5 minutes haven't elapsed yet, & the blonde girl is already in St Peter's domain. Surprised, he asks her: "You were all doing a fine job, on that lasso! How come you're the sole one dead?"

She answers, sulkily: "It's because of that damn brunette! She said: 'So brave a man, he'd deserve applause!'"

12-17-2006, 04:02 PM
A blonde woman is walking to her car from the bank one day. When she nears a car, a man comes up behind her and holds a knife to her neck. He draws a circle on the ground with chalk, and tells her to stand in it, and not to take ONE STEP outside it until he says. He takes her keys, opens her car, and starts taking everything he can find... her cd player, her speakers, etc. When he's finished, he closes the door, and turns around to see the blonde standing in the circle. He says "Good girl", to which she replies, "Joke's on you! I stepped outside the circle FIVE TIMES while you were in my car!!!"

12-17-2006, 05:35 PM
why did the blonde get sacked from the m&m factory?!

she was throwing away all the w's!
That reminds me of another one.

Why was the blonde fired from the Skittles factory?
She was throwing away the candies that were upside down.

12-17-2006, 07:20 PM
A blond has been feeling really bad lately. She feels like throwing up a lot so she decides that she needs to see a doctor.

After he examines her, asks her some questions he says:

Congratulations, your pregnant.

She replies:

Are you sure the kid is mine?

12-17-2006, 07:36 PM
A blonde goes up to a vending machine, and puts a dollar in. She looks at the choices, and eventually clicks on Sprite. As the bottle descends, she puts it by her foot and puts another dollar in, this time selecting Root Beer. She's ecstatic as she continues putting dollars in and continues buying more and more sodas.

During the purchasing, a man walks up, thirsty, as well. He slowly loses his patience and taps the blonde on the shoulder, asking, "I have no idea what stupid idea you're planning with all these drinks, but could I just get my drink and let you get back to whatever it is you're doing?"

The blonde looks at him inquisitively and eventually responds, "No way, not while I'm on a winning streak!"

12-17-2006, 07:52 PM
2 blondes are being chased by a blonde cop and finally they pull over. The cops walks up beside them and asks for an I.D. "Oh sure," says the driver and she reaches into her handbag, pulls out a mirror and gives it to the cop. He takes a quick look and hands back the mirror. "So sorry to trouble you," he apologises, "I never realised you were a cop."

12-18-2006, 06:37 AM
How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

She has a tampon behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.

I LOVE that one!

also the ones of 1979, Human (sorry babe, your name slipped my mind for a second), Bri & Mike most definitely made me chuckle. Cammie's & Maria's were alright, but that's just my personal opinion. heard most of them too often anyway.

told this one many times, but never mind, I'll just tell it again;
a blonde decides she needs a haircut, so she goes to the hairdresser & asks him to give her a new hairstyle. he asks her kindly to remove the headphones of her walkman first, but no matter how often, how polite, or how impatient he asks her to remove them, she says they are very important & that she will not take them off.
so, either way, the man does his work & while cutting her hair he accidently cuts through the wire of the headphones. quickly he checks if she's noticing it, but when he sees she's still sitting calmly in her chair, reading her Cosmo, he decides not to break the news to her & proceeds doing his job.
when he's all done & gets a mirror to show her the result, he notices she's become irresponsive. he checks her pulse to find out she's dead.
now he becomes very curious to what was on the tape in her walkman & he rushes to get his own headphones to check. he pushes Play; "breathe in [..] breathe out [..] breathe in [..] breathe out"

12-18-2006, 11:29 PM
*raises the roof*