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View Full Version : Mr. Jakebert's BBS Tips For Beginners.



Jakebert
12-29-2006, 05:25 PM
Hello, all! Now, there's no doubt that some of you reading this are n00bs who want to be liked, lepers who want to change their reputations, or just people who want Endy to stop posting pictures of horses having sex with old men in all of their threads. Well, as the nice guy I am, I decided to give you a list of tips to help you on your magical journey through the land of The BBS! However, I cannot promise that Endy will stop posting pictures of horse sex. No one can promise that. Enjoy:

1.) Excessive swearing does not make you "shocking" or "offensive". Just because all of your posts have the word "fuck" in them doesn't mean that they're impressive or cool. It just makes you look like a 12 year old who just discovered swear words. If you actually are a 12 year old who just discovered swear words: I understand, but still, we're going to make fun of you. That'll teach you for not being as old as we are.

2.) Being offensive is not the same as being funny or cool. Just because you insult people doesn't mean your posts are inherently funny. Those other people that are known for that kind of thing, but still liked, are liked because there's some humor, truth, and originality behind their insults. Simply saying "you fuck your own mom, asshole!" is not funny, and just makes you look dumb. EX: Every episode of "Mind of Mencia".

3.) Abrasiveness is not a substitute for intelligence. N00bs may notice that the people that seem to win arguments are always those who are much more aggressive in how they argue. So, they in turn decide to attempt that. But, they do not realize that it's much less the agressiveness, but rather the actual content of their argument that causes them to win. The agressiveness and insuly merely add to their posts. Just because your posts are angry and full of swear words and insults does not mean that you're making valid points. In fact, posts that are angry and insulting without actual valid points usually just prove that the people you're arguing with are smarter than you, and you know it. Remember: it's about content.

4.) Never use the argument "I don't really care what people on a message board think about me". In posting at all, you're saying the opposite. Really, how stupid do you have to be to try this one? Nobody cares if you don't care, because in their eyes, you're still an idiot regardless. The simple fact is that this is a message board, and no one cares about your attitude towards it, but about the attitude of your posts.

5.) Don't show off the fact that you have a personal life outside of the board as if it makes you better than everyone else. As surprising as it may be, everyone on that board has some kind of personal life, even ilovellamas! They just don't feel the need to show it off because they aren't so insecure about themselves that they have to make themselves valid by doing so. This always has the opposite effect of what you're going for, because either you let everyone know you're a perverted virgin who thinks he can get it on with some girl just because she knows his name, or you look like a tryhard. Plus, no one cares that you have SEX with your GIRLFRIEND. She's probably fat and greasy anyway.

6.) If you fail, don't get defensive about it. Face it, you failed. Be a man or woman about it. Or in Jojan's case...whatever the fuck Jojan is about it. Everyone fails at some point, but the l33t people are never remembered for their failures because they don't make a huge deal out of it when they do. But, if you make a huge deal out of it, then chances are you'll be remembered as an idiot for the rest of your tenure at the board. EX: Every post Dain has ever made. Ever.

7.) Sex jokes do not automatically equal funny. Even though I've already said it many times, I feel I should repeat it again since some of you are Offspring fans: it's about the content of the post, not how many times you can say "penis". A joke is funny because it's well crafted, not because you strung some random body parts together into a sentence. Plus, William Shattner references are always funnier than sex jokes.

8.) Just because you admit that you suck at message boards doesn't make is acceptable. Constantly calling attention to the fact that everyone hates you as if it's a badge of honor just makes you look that much more pathetic, you stupid attention whore. Your reputation could slowly fade away if you actually let it. Brigning it up again just keeps everyone remembering that time you stole someone else's post, then lied about it.

9.) On a similar note as #8, even if people don't like you, don't constantly try to start arguments about it in threads that have nothing to do with you. Constantly bringing yourself up in threads with passive aggressive jabs at people who said nothing to you just makes you look like a stupid attention whore who wants to start arguments for no reason.

10.) If you're a nobody whom no one even really knows exists, don't try to give yourself a reputation, even if it's a negative one. It's okay if you want to be noticed, but do it by making a funny joke, a good argument, or having good taste. But don't constantly jump into threads and tell everyone that they hate you. If your self-esteem is that low, and you actually think people hate you that much, then go do some painkillers or start drinking. You know, something that doesn't hurt anyone.

11.) If everyone on the board is telling you the exact same thing, then chances are it's true. Stop pretending that the problem is with everyone else, you self-important moron. If there's like 15 people all who all are pointing out the same holes in your arguments/post, then you're wrong. It's not a global conspiracy against you. It's not just a bunch of insomniacs who are grumpy because they were up all night feeling bad about being mean to you. You're just stupid. It's that simple.

12.) Inside jokes between friends are fun, but no one on the message board gives a fuck. Don't put things like "OMGZ FRIED CHEESE DRUMSTICKS!!!" in your sig and expect everyone to laugh the same way you and your friends did when *insert lame story* happened. Oh, and just because your friends think you're funny doesn't mean that you are. There's a big chance that they might be retarded. I mean, come on, they're talking to you aren't they?

13.) Finally, remember, even if people don't like you now, there's always hope. It may not seem like it, but if you just stop being stupid, and realize that everyone else may be right on some accounts. HeadaroundU, for example, has become quite the good poster, despite being universally disliked for some time. There's hope for everyone. Well, except noodlesfan. You should just end it now while you're ahead.

That's all for Mr. Jakebert's BBS Tips For Beginners, vol. 1. Vol. 2 coming: Probably never.

T-6005
12-29-2006, 05:30 PM
Jakebert, I love you. How have we not directly talked before? We haven't, have we?

Although I have to admit it was mentioning William Shatner which started you off on Thibault's road to "I think you're cool."

DeAtHsTaR
12-29-2006, 05:33 PM
*Waits for Endy to post horse sex picture*

0r4ng3
12-29-2006, 05:34 PM
Rule 13 is especially true, because I know I've done each and every one of the previous 12 things at one point or another.

Jakebert
12-29-2006, 05:39 PM
Jakebert, I love you. How have we not directly talked before? We haven't, have we?

Although I have to admit it was mentioning William Shatner which started you off on Thibault's road to "I think you're cool."

I don't think I've directly talked to you before. And indeed, William Shatner is the man.

Llamas
12-29-2006, 05:40 PM
As surprising as it may be, everyone on that board has some kind of personal life, even ilovellamas!
I don't get it. :( What's that supposed to mean??

Lodat225
12-29-2006, 05:43 PM
I actually read the whole thing.

DeAtHsTaR
12-29-2006, 05:45 PM
Did anyone see the William Shatner roast on Comedy Central?

Lodat225
12-29-2006, 05:49 PM
That would be a no.

T-6005
12-29-2006, 05:53 PM
I saw part of it. With that old woman from Boston Legal (which is the greatest show ever). She totally lay into him. Wish I'd seen the rest. I love William Shatner.

Jakebert
12-29-2006, 05:56 PM
I don't get it. :( What's that supposed to mean??

I just picked a name at random for that one.

Llamas
12-29-2006, 05:57 PM
Gotcha... I thought you were saying I have no life. I mean, not that it'd be far from the truth, BUT it would be mean!

Anyway, good post. Too bad most of the people who need it won't read/apply it. :-/

Jebus
12-29-2006, 06:05 PM
I still stand by this Calvin and Hobbes strip being all you need to succeed in the BBS.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v255/Savemejebus/bbscalvin.jpg

Good post though.

0r4ng3
12-29-2006, 06:08 PM
Calvin and Hobbes strips are always so inspirational.

http://www.wdr1.com/junk/cnh_ayb.jpg

Thomas
12-29-2006, 06:34 PM
I think this thread should be stickied.

mrconeman
12-29-2006, 06:38 PM
In this thread: Common Sense.
But given the userbase of this forum, it definatly needed to be said, good job Jakebert.

Rag Doll
12-29-2006, 06:38 PM
"Be a man or woman about it. Or in Jojan's case...whatever the fuck Jojan is about it"

<3

i'm amused. thumbs up.

0r4ng3
12-29-2006, 06:42 PM
Ironically, everyone that probably should read this the most carefully are the ones that will most likely avoid it.

HornyPope
12-29-2006, 08:10 PM
I approve.

Tizzalicious
12-29-2006, 08:11 PM
I hope some of the people who replied here paid attention to what it said. God knows they need it.

Lodat225
12-29-2006, 08:17 PM
I don't need any of those. http://i18.tinypic.com/2s1td78.gif

Tizzalicious
12-29-2006, 08:20 PM
6.) If you fail, don't get defensive about it. Face it, you failed. Be a man or woman about it. Or in Jojan's case...whatever the fuck Jojan is about it. Everyone fails at some point, but the l33t people are never remembered for their failures because they don't make a huge deal out of it when they do. But, if you make a huge deal out of it, then chances are you'll be remembered as an idiot for the rest of your tenure at the board. EX: Every post Dain has ever made. Ever.


I don't need any of those.

You sure?

Lodat225
12-29-2006, 08:21 PM
I don't need any of those. :mad:

Tizzalicious
12-29-2006, 08:23 PM
:mad:


3.) Abrasiveness is not a substitute for intelligence. N00bs may notice that the people that seem to win arguments are always those who are much more aggressive in how they argue. So, they in turn decide to attempt that. But, they do not realize that it's much less the agressiveness, but rather the actual content of their argument that causes them to win. The agressiveness and insuly merely add to their posts. Just because your posts are angry and full of swear words and insults does not mean that you're making valid points. In fact, posts that are angry and insulting without actual valid points usually just prove that the people you're arguing with are smarter than you, and you know it. Remember: it's about content.

... .

Lodat225
12-29-2006, 08:25 PM
I'm not trying to act agressive, but you missed one:



4.) Never use the argument "I don't really care what people on a message board think about me". In posting at all, you're saying the opposite. Really, how stupid do you have to be to try this one? Nobody cares if you don't care, because in their eyes, you're still an idiot regardless. The simple fact is that this is a message board, and no one cares about your attitude towards it, but about the attitude of your posts.

Llamas
12-29-2006, 08:33 PM
I hope some of the people who replied here paid attention to what it said. God knows they need it.

Just lodat and dain... and they're far beyond help. I don't think any of the other people who could use it posted in here.

Mota Boy
12-29-2006, 09:02 PM
When I saw the title of this thread, I expected it to suck.




It didn't.

Acoustic1804
12-29-2006, 09:09 PM
Oh, and just because your friends think you're funny doesn't mean that you are. There's a big chance that they might be retarded. I mean, come on, they're talking to you aren't they?

My favorite!

I think this should be stickied!

I found myself laughing at lots of bbs members I know of, including myself!

Good work Jakebert.

By they way...How long did it take you to write/plan all this?

Sin Studly
12-29-2006, 11:09 PM
This is fucking great. I Approve.

Paint_It_Black
12-29-2006, 11:46 PM
Although I have to admit it was mentioning William Shatner which started you off on Thibault's road to "I think you're cool."

Except he spelled Shatner wrong, which destroys any respect he may otherwise have gained from this thread. I am appalled.

Seriously though, pretty cool thread. At first I thought it was a little tryhard, and then I realized I was right. But it was also funny. And accurate. And Jakebert's affection for this place was strongly apparent.

So basically I guess I'm saying "lolz 3sum?"

the_GoDdEsS
12-30-2006, 01:01 AM
I find it good how you've observed all that and collected it in so many points. Especially number 11. People should just listen to 11. :)

JohnnyNemesis
12-30-2006, 02:46 AM
3.) Abrasiveness is not a substitute for intelligence.

I believe this is a direct quote from me. YOU DAIN'ED ME, JAKEBERT! YOU DAIN'ED MEEEEEEEEEE!

But forserious, this is an amazing thread, though I doubt the 'tards will get anything out of it.

EDIT: Upon a second read, this shit isn't just amazing, it's fucking legend.

Vera
12-30-2006, 05:07 AM
When I saw the title of this thread, I expected it to suck.




It didn't.

What this guy said.

That_Guy91
12-30-2006, 07:22 AM
*high five*

Jakebert
12-30-2006, 09:11 AM
I believe this is a direct quote from me. YOU DAIN'ED ME, JAKEBERT! YOU DAIN'ED MEEEEEEEEEE!

Kind of, actually. I'd been saying the same thing, but you put it in a much simplier way. I would have given credit, I just couldn't remember who said it.

Stranger With Candy
12-30-2006, 09:27 AM
this is great. good work Jakebert.

Endymion
12-30-2006, 10:26 AM
did someone say HORSE PORN?!

Lodat225
12-30-2006, 10:26 AM
*Waits for Endy to post horse sex picture*

Dain did. But Dain doesn't count.

killer_queen
12-30-2006, 12:43 PM
Some people are still keep on acting like they used to do after reading Jake's post and I find it unbelievebly pathetic.

And I agree with everyone. This thread wins.

All About Eve
12-30-2006, 01:37 PM
I am very pleased you decided to start posting more, Jakebert. Keep it up.

H1T_That
12-30-2006, 02:42 PM
Don't put things like "OMGZ FRIED CHEESE DRUMSTICKS!!!" in your sig and expect everyone to laugh the same way you and your friends did when *insert lame story* happened.


I found this hilarious.




That's all for Mr. Jakebert's BBS Tips For Beginners, vol. 1. Vol. 2 coming: Probably never.

I think you should re-think that last part.

Jakebert
12-30-2006, 04:59 PM
I left the possiblity for a Volume 2 there, but I doubt I'd be able to top this. Let's face it, I've peaked.

JohnnyNemesis
12-30-2006, 05:01 PM
Leave and never come back.:mad: :mad: :mad:


:cool:

Jakebert
12-30-2006, 05:04 PM
Le sigh. Yes, sir. :(

HeadAroundU
12-30-2006, 05:19 PM
13.) Finally, remember, even if people don't like you now, there's always hope. It may not seem like it, but if you just stop being stupid, and realize that everyone else may be right on some accounts. There's hope for everyone. Well, except noodlesfan. You should just end it now while you're ahead.
Delete me as an example, please. Find another example, it shouldn't be a problem.

Jakebert
12-30-2006, 05:26 PM
Why? You're easily the best example here.

sKratch
12-30-2006, 05:27 PM
I hope some of the people who replied here paid attention to what it said. God knows they need it.

go post in +/- :[

ps great thread, it gets the sKratch seal of approval.

Tizzalicious
12-30-2006, 06:03 PM
You're mean :(

H1T_That
12-31-2006, 07:50 AM
I suggest another one which should include something about not agreeing with what smart people say, just to fit in. Or something along those lines.

khaaaaan
01-01-2007, 09:09 AM
Man, it must be so nice to get aproved on and *high five*'ed by so many people. If only I was popular:(

0r4ng3
01-01-2007, 09:34 AM
Actually, quite the opposite is true. It would be unbelievably pathetic to follow those rules, y'know? It's like you're trying to be cool & stuff by doing those things Jakebert posted just 'cuz he wants things to be that way. I say just act the way you wanna act and if people hate that, then:
(image)
Don't be a fucking idiot. It's not the way he wants things, it's his observations on how not to be a fucking idiot, you fucking idiot. It's common knowledge that only fucking idiots like yourself don't seem to understand. Because, y'know, you're a fucking idiot.

Lodat225
01-01-2007, 09:43 AM
HEY!!! You're disobeying one of his rules! Now, let's see here. Which one was it again?



You seem to care about the rules so much. As for me, I'm just gonna keep being the way I am. Just 'cuz one thread gives such unofficial guidelines as to how we should all act, doesn't mean that's how we should all act. This isn't gonna change the BBS in any way. I guarantee it. ;)


I agree with you .

0r4ng3
01-01-2007, 09:46 AM
But there's the difference. I'm not using swear words to be cool. I'm doing it because...


11.) If everyone on the board is telling you the exact same thing, then chances are it's true. Stop pretending that the problem is with everyone else, you self-important moron. If there's like 15 people all who all are pointing out the same holes in your arguments/post, then you're wrong. It's not a global conspiracy against you. It's not just a bunch of insomniacs who are grumpy because they were up all night feeling bad about being mean to you. You're just stupid. It's that simple.
I'm not going to censor myself to hide the truth.

That_Guy91
01-01-2007, 10:13 AM
You seem to care about the rules so much.

They're not rules, you fucking idiot.

Jakebert
01-01-2007, 10:43 AM
Actually, quite the opposite is true. It would be unbelievably pathetic to follow those rules, y'know? It's like you're trying to be cool & stuff by doing those things Jakebert posted just 'cuz he wants things to be that way. I say just act the way you wanna act and if people hate that, then:

Are you that stupid? Where has anyone said that they're rules? It's simply advice on how to post like an intelligent person. You, obviously, are too stupid to even understand that, so I don't see you being able to ever post like someone over the age of 13.

And it's not people trying to be cool by using those tips that's pathetic, it's people that are purposely doing the exact opposite to look like "xXxXnon-conformistsxXxX" and actually think they're making a point that look pathetic.

killer_queen
01-01-2007, 01:55 PM
Don't be a fucking idiot. It's not the way he wants things, it's his observations on how not to be a fucking idiot, you fucking idiot. It's common knowledge that only fucking idiots like yourself don't seem to understand. Because, y'know, you're a fucking idiot.

Dude, I've never seen 0r4ng3 being like this. That zagmeno must be really worthless.

JohnnyNemesis
01-01-2007, 02:09 PM
As for me, I'm just gonna keep being the way I am.

Good, because then you'll be banned for spamming and your pathetic existence will be forgotten just like the millions of users EXACTLY LIKE YOU who've come and gone in the past.

Paint_It_Black
01-01-2007, 03:44 PM
Dude, I've never seen 0r4ng3 being like this. That zagmeno must be really worthless.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

nieh
01-01-2007, 08:11 PM
Why? You're easily the best example here.

HAU never really changed all that much, it was mostly the board's opinion of him that changed.

I generally agree with Mota on this. I expected this thread to suck so I never read it til just now. It's good stuff.

JohnnyNemesis
01-01-2007, 08:12 PM
Yeah, I was gonna say that about HAU. He never changed, we just found him hilarious once we stopped takin him so seriously,