View Full Version : A guide to being a Metal fan on the internet

02-03-2007, 08:12 PM
I've compiled a helpful list of suggested behaviors for anyone considering a foray into heavy metal music and its Internet communities. I hope it helps.

1. Every band you don't like sucks. You know the critically acclaimed band that revitalized the genre that you personally never got into? They suck. There's no room for debate; they just utterly blow ass. Make sure you're always ready and willing to point this out on various Internet forums/message boards/communities to fans of the band. In fact, you should take advantage of every opportunity and jump at any mention of the band, no matter how minuscule. Listen, it isn't enough to call an oft-praised band "overrated"; you must bring to light their extreme suckiness. No excuses.

2. Word play is a metalhead’s best friend. Since you’ll be frequently conversing in various online metal communities, it’s important that you utilize the target band’s name. A statement like “Band X sucks” is a good start, but if you want to improve your metalhead credibility, you’re going to have to get more sophisticated than that. Never pass up the chance to twist and bend a band’s name to include some negative word play. Some of the more effectual terms you can inject into a band name include, but are not limited to, “gay,” “fag,” “sucks,” “shit,” and my personal favorite, “turd.” For examples, consider the following: “Trivicum” (Trivium), “Craptallica” (Metallica), “Blowpeth” (Opeth), “Lamb of Gay” (Lamb of God), “Iron Gayden” (Iron Maiden), “Mastodong” (Mastodon), “Panterrible” (Pantera), etc.

3. Make use of negative labels. Generalizing an entire group or thought process works in politics, so why not music? There’s really no limit to what you can stick a label on. Bands, the members of a band, the band’s fans – hell, even entire genres are up for a good ridicule by way of labeling. The best part about labels is that they don’t even have to hold any significant meaning; they just need to sound unfavorable. “Mallcore,” for example, doesn’t need to carry a negative denotation, as long as it connotes a feeling of shitty music. Your use of “-core” doesn’t end at “mall,” so don’t let an opportunity to use such gems as “fagcore,” “shitcore,” and “douchecore” slip by.

4. Adjust to tunnel vision. You may from time to time be tempted to listen to a band you once derided despite never having heard a single song of theirs. Resist the temptation! If you keep yourself in the dark and refuse to listen to any of the band’s songs, you can still argue for their suckiness, and you won’t be a hypocrite in the eyes of your fellow metalhead. This goes double for any of those fagcore genres; every single band that even so much as resembles that style of metal is shit. There’s no two ways about it. If you can’t resist the temptation, then make sure you never let anyone know you listen to the band in question, and fervently deny every accusation of hypocrisy.

5. The Internet is no place to be insightful. Make your point, and make it quickly. Rarely will you need more than a single sentence to describe how purely awesome a band is or how ridiculously awful another is. Don’t get bogged down trying to think of something clever; leave the intelligent prose to the professional critics who, by the way, are always wrong. Keep your caps lock on, and don’t be afraid to use an excessive amount of exclamation points.

6. Points are awarded for obscurity and deducted for popularity. So one of your favorite bands who you’ve listened to for years has just sold 100,000 copies of its most acclaimed album. This may go without saying, but it’s time to drop those fucking sell outs like the greed-mongering posers they really are. Any CDs, posters, t-shirts, and magazines featuring said band must be burned immediately. Delete any trace of the band from your computer. Deny ever having listened to them. Once all this is complete, you can successfully rebound by finding the most obscure metal bands you can. Don’t worry about quality – whether they’re any good or show any potential isn’t important; what’s important is that you find that one band that no one has ever heard of. A good find will vary, but extra points go to the enthusiast who finds a band that only produced one song before breaking up indefinitely: a self-released demo only available on their now-defunct website.

That concludes my suggestions for being a metalhead online. Have fun, and remember, Internet anonymity is what keeps metal alive.

02-04-2007, 04:05 AM
Hahah, this is venom symbiote all the way through.

02-04-2007, 07:07 AM
Where did you copy and paste this from?

Sin Studly
02-04-2007, 08:08 AM

02-04-2007, 08:11 AM
Busted.. Stealing something from a website and saying its your's, thats pathetic.

02-04-2007, 08:18 AM
Stop pulling a Lodat.

02-04-2007, 08:24 AM
Stop failing.