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View Full Version : I have a problem. Or not.



JoY
01-11-2008, 11:21 AM
it's not much of an actual problem, it's kind of a luxury-thing. look, I'm close with my boyfriend's friends & it's a lot of fun hanging out with the whole bunch; boyfriend, friends, me... I thought I had it all figured out. well, I've thought so much before, but it seems like history can't stop itself from repeating itself & the story's getting old. & annoying. & kind of complicated. I kinda drank too much wine, so excuse the rambling & babbling. I guess I do consider it somewhat of a problem, or I wouldn't be boozing on very good red wine on my own to make myself feel better.

I had a rehearsel with the gypsy band & we went for a drink afterwards, at least, some of us did. I dragged everyone to the bar my boyfriend was in, because I had this feeling that we really needed to talk. sometimes my boyfriend seems to lack quite a bit of spine & at times he lets me walk all over him. he's so fucking sweet, I don't know what to say to him, besides; "you are so sweet!!", which, I'm sure you understand, gets old. viva la resistance! I need a little bit of that shit & a little bit more independence, like, I don't want to make his doctor appointments & jazz, because the boy can't talk for himself.

so we needed to talk. we need to talk, but at that time I brought everyone with me to the bar, because we needed to talk. stupid idea anyway. all his friends were there & they friggin' jumped me, like they'd been jailed forever & never saw a female without glass in between. well, we did need to catch up, most definitely, but it was pretty embarrassing to have my friends from the band watch the whole scene, because it must've looked like I've had multiplesomes with all of them.

but wait, it kind of gets better. or worse. there's this dude in his group of friends, that's not so much a friend of his, but more some guy he knows pretty well, & he's been making moves in my direction for quite some time now. he'd positioned himself at the bar, making it impossible to avoid him. not because of the drinks, because I didn't buy any myself, but because he was in the fucking middle of everything, staring at me like I'm a friggin' fish from 20.000 miles under sea.

so... since I had two guys I obviously needed to chat with, I first started with my man, got in a verbal fight, so moved on to the next one to make him stop bugging me. I didn't really prepare myself. I mean, what the fuck, he's a friend of my boyfriend, I guess it'd be fine, right? so he stares into my eyes like "ooooo", & says things like he's been in love with me for over 6 months. *raises eyebrow* ...I want to make completely clear that I never put any thoughts in his head. he doesn't know me that personally, but he thinks he does & he makes it impossible to function normally in my boyfriend's group of friends, which I've learned to love quite a lot.

besides this disturbing fact (because hey, leave me the fuck alone), he was desert in a stripact.


Edit: dude, I probably come off like a total girlygirl, but what the fuck is it about this situation that bugs me so much? normally I'd tell him to shut the fuck up & move on, which is pretty much my point.

Offspring-Junkie
01-11-2008, 11:40 AM
Don't drink and post. I don't see much of a problem. Tell the freak to leave you alone, that's it.

nieh
01-11-2008, 11:45 AM
You should tell that asshole that he needs to stop getting in my way. I mean...YOUR way. Tell him to get stop getting in YOUR way. Because he's keeping you from being comfortable around your friends. That was a smooth cover.

JoY
01-11-2008, 11:53 AM
edit; making it too personal there.

Josh: <33
itīs what I shouldīve done ages ago. I know. Iīm embarrassed that I havenīt yet. am I taking some kind of sick pleasure in this whole thing?

Camel Filters
01-11-2008, 11:59 AM
Stop drinking for good. It only causes problems in relationships and you end up arguing about it every weekend. oh wait, That might just be in my case.

nieh
01-11-2008, 12:00 PM
I'm not sure entirely what you meant with that last reply (before you edited) but it sounded like this guy was not exactly your main problem. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk about it, but keep in mind I'm at work so I might not be super-quick to reply.


Don't drink and post.

But then we wouldn't see her at all.

BREAK
01-11-2008, 12:12 PM
multiplesomes

I want.

There's no mutual attraction you're not telling us about, is there? I mean, are you not brushing him off because you want to have a "to-go" guy in case you & your boyfriend break up? Girls do that sometimes.

JoY
01-11-2008, 12:21 PM
Stop drinking for good. It only causes problems in relationships and you end up arguing about it every weekend. oh wait, That might just be in my case.

oh believe me, you might have a manipulative bizotch, I have this protective sweetheart on my hands. two hands full. never ever is anything wrong with him; he totally ignores the fact he has daily reflux of stomach acid & walks limp every other day, because he has knee-problems. but I on the other hand, I should be taken care of, I'm an alcoholic, I have a fever, I have an exam, I have a period... GAWD.


I'm not sure entirely what you meant with that last reply (before you edited) but it sounded like this guy was not exactly your main problem. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk about it, but keep in mind I'm at work so I might not be super-quick to reply.

it's better if I don't. though you are most certainly allowed to read everything I say, I wish you didn't see this one before I edited. I'm such an emotional cookie at times & I really shouldn't be.


But then we wouldn't see her at all.

*cracks up* <3

killer_queen
01-11-2008, 12:27 PM
Wait, when he told you that he was in love with you, were your boyfriend there? Didn't he give any reaction? Like punching his face or kicking his testicles?

I don't know, I generally hate it when girls try to solve their problems by using their boyfriends but in this situation I think he should do the talking with that guy.

Edit; I too saw your post before you edited it and I didn't find it that personal. Actually I didn't understand a word of it.

JoY
01-11-2008, 12:33 PM
I want.

There's no mutual attraction you're not telling us about, is there? I mean, are you not brushing him off because you want to have a "to-go" guy in case you & your boyfriend break up? Girls do that sometimes.

that's disgusting!!

wouldn't be the first time I did that, actually. *scratches head* but somewhere along the way from the age of 16, I did grow up a little bit. there's no mutual attraction, no. he's as tall as I am & had a stripper career, I'm quite sure I don't want to get involved. but I analysed it thorough enough to know there's no mutual attraction. it shouldn't matter if I feel a mutual attraction, or not. I shouldn't even know whether or not I feel attracted to him, because I should be blindly lovedovy with my man. I hate to sound childish after all, but can't it ever work like it always turns out in fairy tales?

dude.. I could just be missing the days I had the freedom to smootch anyone I wanted, but it'd be a really late reaction.

JoY
01-11-2008, 12:39 PM
Wait, when he told you that he was in love with you, were your boyfriend there? Didn't he give any reaction? Like punching his face or kicking his testicles?

I don't know, I generally hate it when girls try to solve their problems by using their boyfriends but in this situation I think he should do the talking with that guy.

Edit; I too saw your post before you edited it and I didn't find it that personal. Actually I didn't understand a word of it.

my man was there, not noticing like always. he's blissfully unknowing of ANYTHING that goes on in this world. he must be the last pure soul on earth, unspoiled & sweet.

...DRIVES ME NUTS.

either way, no complaining, it's obvious my man is fantastic, but might be a bit too fantastic for my taste afterall. I need to investigate this.

my man did offer to talk this over with his buddy, but only after I rubbed it in his face like twenty times, so I refused the offer & said I shouldn't be too chicken to ditch a guy. I like him though, as a person. I think I became better friends with him, than my boyfriend originally ever was. but that's the point, I was just aiming for friendship, obviously.

nieh
01-11-2008, 12:51 PM
The guy is selfish for burdening you with this. He knows you've been in a long-term relationship with a friend of his and he still felt the need to try throwing himself in there. No one can help it if you start having feelings for someone, regardless of whether you or they are in a relationship. The trouble is that so many people out there feel the need to blurt it out there with thinking it will either change everything and there will magically be a drama-free shift with you ending up with them or that it won't change anything at all and things can continue just as smoothly as before, neither of which is ever the case.

wheelchairman
01-11-2008, 01:19 PM
The trouble is that so many people out there feel the need to blurt it out there with thinking it will either change everything and there will magically be a drama-free shift with you ending up with them or that it won't change anything at all and things can continue just as smoothly as before, neither of which is ever the case.
Actually that's a good point. It's some hollywood bullshit that everybody needs to hear about who you have a crush on all the time. Magical.

Anyways first things first.
1. Sober up.
2. Think about it. Uh and try to organize your thoughts. On your boyfriend. On do you still want to be with him considering your needs, wants and future ambitions, and his needs, wants and future ambitions. Then make a conclusion based on this. And then wait a while to see if your conclusion might actually be correct (a while might be as long as a month, patience can't hurt.)

I wrote this down because I don't trust you to organize your thoughts :p
Oh and try to remember objectivity. If you don't like your boyfriend right now, you might just be going through a slump. Although next time you argue with your boyfriend, do it in private. I mean what a terrible idea. Arguing in public.

JoY
01-11-2008, 05:23 PM
oh no, I went outside, saying I needed some air. I wasn't planning on arguing. he followed me & we talked a bit.

&.. thank you. ;]

HornyPope
01-11-2008, 06:26 PM
Put your boyfriend on the spot (i.e tell him the story), see how he reacts.

Edit: refer to P.S. and P.P.S. below.

P.S. This was just my thought of the moment. Now, it MAY NOT be the best advice you can get.

P.P.S. Sorry for the delay in edit.

Tizzalicious
01-12-2008, 12:44 AM
I think a talk with your boyfriend is definitely needed, unless you just had/are having a moment of thinking he's too sweet, perfect, etc. If you feel like that all the time maybe you should think about if you really want to be with him.

As for the other guy, if he bothers you a lot every time you see him, just tell him that you're clearly already taken and are not interested in him.

Nina
01-12-2008, 02:15 AM
Strictly tell him that you arent interested, but make clear that you still like him a lot as a person and dont mind his company/want to stay friends with him. It can work. My friend had a crush on one of his friends YEARS ago and they are still close friends. Though it really depends how you tell him that. The only "rule" I can think of is: Make it as clear as possible that you arent interested. If you're too sweet about it he might misunderstand. I have a feeling many men misunderstand situations like that, and he might be one of them considering how much he's been bugging you although you're with his friend.

JoY
01-12-2008, 04:38 AM
Put your boyfriend on the spot (i.e tell him the story), see how he reacts.

done that. first he offered to talk to his buddy, but I imagined that was just too embarrassing, also for him & it isn't his fault, so he shouldn't be the one to solve it. I hate it when people solve my shit. so after that my man went kind of silent. what is he supposed to say? dude, I feel guilty. for even letting him know. this is not a competition, obviously. I love my man.

I don't want to say anything about doubts, or whatever, not in a serious way. firstly, maybe this is just me reconsidering my relationship for a short period of time after which we go back to being the same old Huib & Isabel. maybe I'm looking too far ahead in time, because we've already been together for so long. like where's this going, is he my future, is this my future-stuff. secondly, what if I damage anything by talking about it & make everything tensed, awkward & uncomfortable with the guy I feel at ease with the most?


I think a talk with your boyfriend is definitely needed, unless you just had/are having a moment of thinking he's too sweet, perfect, etc. If you feel like that all the time maybe you should think about if you really want to be with him.

As for the other guy, if he bothers you a lot every time you see him, just tell him that you're clearly already taken and are not interested in him.

usually I love the way he's so sweet & adorable. but sometimes it feels like I'm in a constant state of irritation & want to scream at him that he should scream back, that he should..do something, something natural, like getting mad, having doubts. & he's young in a few ways. I'm sure I am too. I'm sure I'm a pretty complicated person to be with.

as for the other dude, I always run into him & conversations always end the same way, with him saying he's afraid to send me a message, or to look at me, or to talk with me, blablabla. but the fact he says it so explicitely seems to suggest he's not all that scared to let me know what he feels. & then I look at him, kind of worried, then he tells me not to look at him, so I stare at my feet, then I ask him what the hell I'm supposed to say, if he expects some kind of answer, or if he's just telling me this shit for the hell of it. very uncomfortable.

it's all just very uncomfortable. I know none of you can step in & actually work out the situation for me, or whatever. sometimes you just want to know if there exists some kind of advice for situations like these, when you're in some kind of crisis & someone comes in to make it even more confusing.


Strictly tell him that you arent interested, but make clear that you still like him a lot as a person and dont mind his company/want to stay friends with him. It can work. My friend had a crush on one of his friends YEARS ago and they are still close friends. Though it really depends how you tell him that. The only "rule" I can think of is: Make it as clear as possible that you arent interested. If you're too sweet about it he might misunderstand. I have a feeling many men misunderstand situations like that, and he might be one of them considering how much he's been bugging you although you're with his friend.

*nods* that does seem to be the case. I'm still trying to figure out if he still lingers around because he thinks he has a chance, or maybe he just enjoys my company, like I enjoy his, but can't keep his mouth shut & has these insane impulses to tell me how he feels all the damn time.

I've wrecked a couple of friendships in the past by being too vague about it & trying to pretend it wouldn't change anything about the friendship, or that neither of us felt differently about each other. & then at the moment supreme, I always backed out, because I didn't feel the same way. apparently that's a guarantee your friendship's down the drain. the only time I was absolutely clear with a guy, was when I knew he would be realistic enough to handle it, get over it & proceed being friends. he's pretty awesome, we're still friends & he gets along great with my man. but I knew he wasn't befriended with me to get in my pants, but just happened to develop some stronger feelings during our friendship. some guys just can't be anything of you, if they can't have it all. guys can have THE smallest penises in the world & can get so offended by things like these, sometimes you just know it's better not to drop the bomb on them, because then you're more likely to stay together as friends for a longer period of time.

sKratch
01-12-2008, 07:31 AM
*nods* that does seem to be the case. I'm still trying to figure out if he still lingers around because he thinks he has a chance, or maybe he just enjoys my company, like I enjoy his, but can't keep his mouth shut & has these insane impulses to tell me how he feels all the damn time.


First I wrote an entire reply yesterday and must not have hit reply, because it doesn't exist...
Anyways, I'd say it's about 90% that the reason he hangs around you is because he still thinks he has a chance. If he wants more than friendship with you, then he's not satisfied with what he has right now and his entire game plan is to end up with you. If you ask me it's pretty damn disrespectful of him to you and your boyfriend to tell you what he did and to act the way he does. Think about if those are qualities you look for in a friend. That might just be my take on it though.

HornyPope
01-12-2008, 07:32 AM
Yeah... your problem is indeed bigger than "omg someone is hitting on me".

sKratch
01-12-2008, 07:48 AM
My girlfriend's best friend claimed to be in love with her or something and got all mopey and shit when me and her started seeing each other. I don't know for sure how he's dealing with it now, but it's a really annoying situation for me. I know I have absolutely nothing to worry about on her part and she's not at all interested in him, but it's frustrating to have a guy out there whose goal in life is to steal my girlfriend away or something. And he's not a terrible guy either, it really is some hollywood pipe dream complex, I don't know. What's the worst is he says/does things here and there that will really upset my girlfriend (not mean things, but kinda lame immature things, the purpose of which is to make her sad) which is totally not cool. In my case, it's very difficult for me to say anything like "tell him to cut it the hell out" or whatever, because she thinks of him as a really good friend and I can't tell her what to do with her friends.

Moral of the story: I feel your pain.

JoY
01-13-2008, 04:12 AM
My girlfriend's best friend claimed to be in love with her or something and got all mopey and shit when me and her started seeing each other. I don't know for sure how he's dealing with it now, but it's a really annoying situation for me. I know I have absolutely nothing to worry about on her part and she's not at all interested in him, but it's frustrating to have a guy out there whose goal in life is to steal my girlfriend away or something. And he's not a terrible guy either, it really is some hollywood pipe dream complex, I don't know. What's the worst is he says/does things here and there that will really upset my girlfriend (not mean things, but kinda lame immature things, the purpose of which is to make her sad) which is totally not cool. In my case, it's very difficult for me to say anything like "tell him to cut it the hell out" or whatever, because she thinks of him as a really good friend and I can't tell her what to do with her friends.

Moral of the story: I feel your pain.

that situation does sound pretty damn similar, although you're on the other side, which just makes me go "grahh", because it just shows me one more time this must really suck for my man, too.

in our case, my boyfriend got there first, way first. neither of us even knew this dude, when we started "dating". so, that's weird, right? we already were together, then he moved to Amsterdam, got to know my man, became a part of his group of friends & now he's acting like this. & the dumb part is, I thought it was funny at first, I didn't think he was serious. I'm close to almost all of my man's friends & we always joke about when I'll finally be available, but all of them know; we're Huib & Isabel, man. we've been together for ages. I'm pretty damn sure none of them would even want to see us apart. most of them always say they'll quit believing in love, if we ever break up.

as for your chika.. that's indeed one crappy situation. you don't want to seperate her from her best friend. people usually don't dig being forced to choose between two people they love in different ways & it shouldn't even be necessary, because if they're loved in different ways, that means there's no competition. but what you said yourself, could be applied here aswell. how much of a friend is the guy really, if his goal in life is to make your woman miserable as long as she's with you & not with him? maybe he doesn't realise how effective his attempts are, what the consequences are, & that he does make her feel sad/guilty. some people do stupid stuff pretty much intentionally to get attention, but don't really mean for their attempts to become effective, if in the back of their head they know it would cause someone they love pain. some people just need everything to be spelled out for them.

I am nuts for questioning my happiness. I don't fucking trust happiness. I used to distrust unhappiness, because what I've seen it does to people, & then I became so fucking unhappy, for a long time. but for such a long time.. we've been so goddamn happy, together. it's seriously almost sickening. it's brilliant. ...wtf, I'm getting back in there. I want things to get back to normal, but fixing something never turns back the clock & makes it undone. so, I'll just have to not care about that, about this dude & his blurted out "feelings". *scratches head* right? shit.

T-6005
01-13-2008, 05:54 AM
First of all, you need to relax and take a bunch of deep breaths. Sounds like you're also letting yourself be carried away by trying to consider two situations at once - even if they have implications that pertain to the other situation. It's doing things like that that makes it so confusing. Sometimes it's best to just separate out the issues and deal with each of them on their own.

The best advice I can give you (the only advice, actually, that I feel is appropriate here) is that it sounds like you're being noncommittal with your boyfriend's friend. "What am I supposed to say" and "Do you expect an answer" are unfortunately NOT viable answers precisely because they're NOT answers. They're questions. They're vague and make it seem like you're thinking. It's unfortunate, but you have to be much harder on this guy, and explicitly sit his ass down and tell him that you aren't interested in the least and that he should stop trying. On some level, he's already shown disrespect for your relationship by allowing his interest in you to take over like that.

Meg
01-13-2008, 06:01 AM
To be honest I've been in this situation before.

It's all fine and dandy to know that someone likes you, but when they put you on the spot like that confessing their undying love [maybe lust?] for you it can make things extremely difficult. The thing to remember, is that if this person's liked you for this amount of time, and you've felt no direct pull towards them before, why worry yourself with that concept now?

All the advice I can think of right now =]

JoY
01-21-2008, 07:22 AM
First of all, you need to relax and take a bunch of deep breaths. Sounds like you're also letting yourself be carried away by trying to consider two situations at once - even if they have implications that pertain to the other situation. It's doing things like that that makes it so confusing. Sometimes it's best to just separate out the issues and deal with each of them on their own.

The best advice I can give you (the only advice, actually, that I feel is appropriate here) is that it sounds like you're being noncommittal with your boyfriend's friend. "What am I supposed to say" and "Do you expect an answer" are unfortunately NOT viable answers precisely because they're NOT answers. They're questions. They're vague and make it seem like you're thinking. It's unfortunate, but you have to be much harder on this guy, and explicitly sit his ass down and tell him that you aren't interested in the least and that he should stop trying. On some level, he's already shown disrespect for your relationship by allowing his interest in you to take over like that.

the "seperate out the issues"-advice is good. it's just too bad that everything suddenly went weird at a very bad time for me, but they're seperate issues indeed & some of the weight is already lifted, if I just keep that in mind.

I understand what you're saying, but of course we've already been over; "I'm with someone you know very well & I love the guy", "this is useless" et cetera. with; "what am I supposed to say" I kind of hope to keep this situation.. friendly for everyone. I mean, it would be nice if my man & his buddy could still hang out at the end of the day. especially since they're in the same tight group of friends, they will hang out in the future & it should be comfortable as ever. but it's not spelled out thoroughly enough, I understand.

right now I've found a temporary perfect solution that is just avoiding the guy. this stuff should pass at some point, so maybe I can wait it out, or whatever. but I thought that the last time too, so I guess if it doesn't work, that leaves no other option than a harsher approach.

I've already talked with my man, but it seemed I was more talking to him than with him. he doesn't like to talk much, not about stuff like this. things are alright, but I just don't need one of his buddies butting in now.