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View Full Version : Once a cheater, always a cheater?



ready_set_fail
01-19-2008, 06:30 AM
what do you guys think?

wheelchairman
01-19-2008, 06:35 AM
That it's a stupid saying made by bitter people.

Sunny
01-19-2008, 06:50 AM
i think cheating is usually a pretty complex matter, and kinda impossible to sum up with just one catchphrase.

then again, i suppose subconsciously i might feel like there's some truth to it. i'd definitely be careful getting into a relationship with a person who has a long history of cheating... and i'm pretty damn happy my mens has never cheated on any of his previous bitchez. *shrugs*

JohnnyNemesis
01-19-2008, 09:54 AM
That it's a stupid saying made by bitter people.

I agree wholeheartedly.

It's a bullshit statement made by people who find it easier to speak in absolute, sweeping judgments, rather than open up and realize the complexity of human nature. I can't say I blame them for having trouble opening up in such situations (they're usually lashing out for being hurt), but then again, that immature bitterness is really unattractive.

Mota Boy
01-19-2008, 11:01 AM
what do you guys think?I think that, at a minimum, you should aim for a post that's longer than the thread title.

calichix
01-20-2008, 03:04 PM
I dunno. I think the older a person gets the more psychology has to do with why they cheat. Sometimes there's extenuating circumstances but if someone has cheated on everyone they've ever been with, that's shady issuesville. Or if someone has cheated on you more than once, it's probably going to happen again. It's a psychology thing, a respect thing, a pushing boundaries thing, a simple libido thing... It's really depressing how few people have qualms about taking advantage of pushovers. But then again, they gotta learn not to be pushovers somehow.

JohnnyNemesis
01-20-2008, 06:57 PM
I think if someone cheats on their partner once in their relationship and gets away with it, it's GUARANTEED to happen again. But generally, I think people are able to stop their cheating ways (in future relationships and such).

Nicole
01-20-2008, 10:14 PM
More than likely. But say they had never done it before, they did it and then totally regretted it, and would never actually do it again, have to give that a bit of leeway. So maybe twice a cheater always a cheater.

I dated this guy once who was once dating a twin, and he slept with the other twin and it got back to the one he was dating. Then he cheated on me. Should have read the signs. That was about a month after he admitted to me that he did this and then he's telling me we have to break up cause he slept with this other woman, wound up telling me that the sex was great too. What a dick. Looking back I wish he'd told me about that first so I could dump him first.

Cheating sucks.

Meg
01-21-2008, 01:58 AM
Like most other people have said it can be quite a complex thing. I mean, you have to take the person's situation into account. Say they were abused, or felt unloved by the person they were with but felt they couldn't get out of the "relationship"?

Or say that their partner turned celibate or something like that? :p

Or maybe they didn't even like the person they were with all that much.


Besides which, I should imagine there have been plenty of people in the world who have cheated in a relationship then gone on to have perfectly faithful relationships afterwards.

JoY
01-21-2008, 04:01 AM
I agree with Per.

if you make a mistake, even if you get away with it, it doesn't mean you don't beat yourself up over it. it could mean a lot of things; maybe you're not comitted (yet), maybe the relationship is going down the drain, maybe you're not happy by yourself & therefore can't be happy with another person either, or maybe someone cheated on you & you don't ever want to have that happen to you again & therefore do it to somebody else (which doesn't make a lot of sense, but I know it happens).

but it doesn't mean you were programmed to cheat. there are people who have a tendency to cheat much more than others, but I also believe that if you expect the absolute worst from someone, that person doesn't have anything to prove, or to live up to. changing negative expectations to positive ones is really rather difficult, while the easiest would be not to try to be a better person than they expect you to be.

no reason is good enough, really. I've grown a very deep-rooted aversion for cheating. it's messy, it's hurtful, it's just wrong. & if you can't help yourself, you're much better off ending the relationship first, before you crawl in the sack with somebody else.

Paint_It_Black
01-21-2008, 08:08 AM
Most things become easier to do after you've done them the first time. While anyone could potentially cheat, I would have to assume that potential is higher for someone who has done it before. I would tentatively agree with "once a cheater, always a cheater".

If you commit murder you will forever be labeled a murderer. If you commit rape you'll forever be a rapist. So in this sense you could also legitimately say "once a cheater, always a cheater". Whether you do it again or not, you're still a cheater.

However, I do see one positive alternative. If you do something only once and you're completely torn up with guilt over it, maybe you'll be less likely to do it again than someone who has never done it. Second chances can occasionally pay off. Third chances are generally for idiots.

Edit: Just realized I didn't exactly bring anything new to this. Sorry.

Sunny
01-21-2008, 08:28 AM
no reason is good enough, really. I've grown a very deep-rooted aversion for cheating. it's messy, it's hurtful, it's just wrong. & if you can't help yourself, you're much better off ending the relationship first, before you crawl in the sack with somebody else.

for serious, it's so fucking disrespectful. i'd MUCH rather get dumped than have someone fuck around behind my back. the former actually involves having balls, though.

of course, in some situations it gets messy (if the other person is abusive, you're financially dependent on them, you have kids). but in regular teenage/early 20s relationships things are usually less complicated than that.

JoY
01-21-2008, 08:37 AM
it's always messy to some degree. it can even get very messy in your early 20s, but no, that's not very common.

I know some actions take balls, but people can grow balls. some can. you just have to, if you have an inch of respect & responsibility in your body.

either way, I know people who say there's absolutely no difference between kissing & shagging with another person, but besides the fact I certainly wouldn't like it if my man did either one, to me the difference is still pretty huge. the first is something I could possibly live with, the second seriously isn't.

Sunny
01-21-2008, 08:45 AM
i am honestly not sure what i could live with. i mean, it would largely depend on the circumstances. i'd be much more inclined to forgive a one-time physical encounter (especially if it happened under the influence) than actual interest in another person (like going on dates, phone calls, whatever).

Meg
01-21-2008, 08:47 AM
i am honestly not sure what i could live with. i mean, it would largely depend on the circumstances. i'd be much more inclined to forgive a one-time physical encounter (especially if it happened under the influence) than actual interest in another person (like going on dates, phone calls, whatever).

I think it would largely depend on the circumstances. I'd like to think i'd be able to "put my foot down" as it were, but I don't think i'd be able to somehow :/

JoY
01-21-2008, 08:51 AM
i am honestly not sure what i could live with. i mean, it would largely depend on the circumstances. i'd be much more inclined to forgive a one-time physical encounter (especially if it happened under the influence) than actual interest in another person (like going on dates, phone calls, whatever).

true, totally true! but if it is a one-time "physical" encounter & the question is whether he smootched or shagged another girl, I know what I'd find less crappy to deal with. I'd like to think I've drawn a final line; when sex is involved, get the fuck out of there.. but in reality I can't predict how it'd turn out. I do know I'd still find it unacceptable under any circumstances & wouldn't be very forgiving either.

also, someone who is emotionally cheating on you of course would be terrible, but someone making a habit out of sexing up random other people would furiate me aswell.

& alcohol makes a terrible excuse. sure, you tend to act more retarded when drunk, but just try to keep your act together.


I think it would largely depend on the circumstances. I'd like to think i'd be able to "put my foot down" as it were, but I don't think i'd be able to somehow :/

you'll learn quick enough.

Meg
01-21-2008, 08:54 AM
When i'm drunk I make a point of keeping away from anyone who i'd even be mildly tempted to go after. In fact I try to make a point of generally behaving myself whilst drunk. Because i'm not out of control when drunk, I can control myself perfectly. I just don't care what i'm doing.

T-6005
01-21-2008, 10:50 AM
Cheating is a horrible, horrible thing. It really annoys me.

I don't get how such a thing has made its way into being glorified as amusing in a few of the movies I've seen. It's disrespectful in the worst way. It doesn't even matter so much if someone wants to bang around, as long as they have the decency to break it off first. Sure, they're not a good person, but at least you've got one person liberated from a dick or bitch.

killer_queen
01-21-2008, 04:27 PM
I probably shouldn't be talking about this since I've had no real relationship until now but whatever.

I don't get why people feel so bad when their partner have sex with someone else. Sure, it must be a horrible thing but I can think of lots of things that are worse. I don't know, it would hurt me more if my boyfriend has shared his secrets, passions, interests with someone else. I wouldn't mind that much if he shares his penis with another person.

I talk with boys when their girlfriends are around. They tell me those things that they have never told to their partners and I can definitely tell that they are enjoying the conversation. And while doing that I check their girlfriends, they don't seem to be bothered at all. But if the guy pulls his chair closer to me, puts his hands on my shoulder or makes some kind of physical contact, the girl just goes mad. I really don't get it. Why is it the only thing that makes people jealous? Is it because their relationship is only based on sex?

Noodfan
01-21-2008, 04:59 PM
I probably shouldn't be talking about this since I've had no real relationship until now but whatever.

I don't get why people feel so bad when their partner have sex with someone else. Sure, it must be a horrible thing but I can think of lots of things that are worse. I don't know, it would hurt me more if my boyfriend has shared his secrets, passions, interests with someone else. I wouldn't mind that much if he shares his penis with another person.

I talk with boys when their girlfriends are around. They tell me those things that they have never told to their partners and I can definitely tell that they are enjoying the conversation. And while doing that I check their girlfriends, they don't seem to be bothered at all. But if the guy pulls his chair closer to me, puts his hands on my shoulder or makes some kind of physical contact, the girl just goes mad. I really don't get it. Why is it the only thing that makes people jealous? Is it because their relationship is only based on sex?

I would prefer my girlfriend to share her very-secrets over sharing her vagina. But come to think of it, I'm actually surprised that you had no real relationship. Since "he" has a free will to share his penis (people who like charity) there must be a lot of boys around you to have a girlfriend like you.

wheelchairman
01-21-2008, 05:00 PM
Dude wtf? uncalled for. And a bit of a pathetic shot on your part.

calichix
01-21-2008, 06:04 PM
you're a dream woman, young lady. personally, I don't like gentleman who are with me to flirt with other broads in front of me. even if it's fun harmless flirting and I do it all the time regardless of who I'm with. it's an awful double standard. but then again if we're not completely 100% official I couldn't care less if said gentleman has sex with or flirts with other women. so I don't think it's jealousy, I just find the lack of respect to be ummm. outrageous.

iPunk247
01-21-2008, 06:36 PM
what do you guys think?

Cheating? Then what the fuck is the point of having a great relationship? Eurgh..

Betty
01-22-2008, 12:47 AM
I think I mostly agree with you Gulsah. I've had this conversation with my boyfriend a bunch of times.

For me, I would be MUCH more bothered if my man became involved emotionally with a woman than if he became sexually involved. We're doing long distance now, and I'm not so much bothered by the idea of him sleeping with other girls, especially cause he's a horny boy and isn't getting any, but I'm a lot more concerned about the idea of him getting emotionally close to other girls that aren't me. The problem with the sex thing though is that he's not the type to sleep with random girls from the bar (which is sketchy in its own right) so it would more than likely be with a friend, and I'd be worried that that would lead to emotional closeness as well.

For him though, it would be an unforgivable action if I did anything remotely sexual with any other guy. But he probably wouldn't care at all if I confessed my most personal thoughts and had very intimate conversations with some other guy. This would be a problem for me though cause I'd feel like I wasn't being faithful if I had any sorta feelings said other guy.

Mota Boy
01-22-2008, 01:36 AM
I don't get why people feel so bad when their partner have sex with someone else. Sure, it must be a horrible thing but I can think of lots of things that are worse. I don't know, it would hurt me more if my boyfriend has shared his secrets, passions, interests with someone else. I wouldn't mind that much if he shares his penis with another person.Preach it, sister.

And I hate to do this, because it's a truism that new knowledge is always applied to a great many situations, but as I'm currently reading Dawkins' The Selfish Gene (oh, and I just wanted to say that Dawkins totally backs me up on this point (http://www.offspring.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6910), making the analogy himself twice thus far. In your FACE!) and I think that your and Michelle's announced disparity between the sexes can be explained by evolutionary biology. Without goign on for too long, for men, it's much worse if the woman we date/mate/marry ends up birthing someone else's child (which we then expend a vast amount of energy to unknowingly raise). For women, it's more important to have a man devoted emotionally to you (and thus will help raise the kids) than it matters whether or not he's knocking up other chicks.

Sunny
01-22-2008, 07:08 AM
I would prefer my girlfriend to share her very-secrets over sharing her vagina. But come to think of it, I'm actually surprised that you had no real relationship. Since "he" has a free will to share his penis (people who like charity) there must be a lot of boys around you to have a girlfriend like you.

i'm married, fuckwad, and i'd much rather have my husband stick it in some random vag than become seriously emotionally involved with someone else. in case your puny brain cannot fully grasp this concept: it doesn't mean that he's free to fuck around.

JohnnyNemesis
01-22-2008, 08:40 AM
I totally understand Gulsah and Michelle here. I really don't think what they're saying is even remotely outrageous or odd or anything. I'm different, however, but that relates to weird experiences I've had with that sort of shit. But what they're saying makes perfect sense.

Meg
01-22-2008, 09:14 AM
For someone to cheat on you doesn't necessarily mean they care about the person they did it with. So for them to forge a serious emotional attachment to another woman, Be it just mental or sexual, is still a terrible thing..



I hope I worded that right =/

Noodfan
01-22-2008, 12:52 PM
i'm married, fuckwad, and i'd much rather have my husband stick it in some random vag than become seriously emotionally involved with someone else. in case your puny brain cannot fully grasp this concept: it doesn't mean that he's free to fuck around.

Actually the problem is, one of you say I'd rather the other one says I don't mind. Assuming you understand that huge difference here, now it gets personal. When you get cheated (emotionally or sexually) which one do you want to think you are incapable of? I think sexuality is personilized, which two partners share more than their organs. If you think its just pleasure and your spouse doesn't get anything more than vag, it may be because you can't give him. The point is sexual cheating may very well be also emotional.

Duskygrin
01-22-2008, 01:21 PM
Good god it would break my heart if my bf cheated on me... a kiss, a caress, a look, a thought, anything that he'd bestow on somebody else... would tear my entrails. I'd dump him like a pile of shite and move on, never, ever looking back. I hope he'd do the same with me... Sometimes I wonder what he'd do if he learnt I'd cheated on him... I hope he wouldn't be upset then forgive me... I'd hate it if he forgave me... I'd ditch him for that... either it's true love or it's bullfuckingshit, there's no semi-measure with feelings.

P.S.: slightly more on topic. Yes, definitely. Cheating once makes it easier to cheat twice. One would almost say it paves the way to that. Divorces are telling in that instance. What are affairs if not repeated cheating? Only a small proportion of people commit a mental harakiri over cheating once... sadly... and if you cheated once, well... you may well have had in mind that it wasn't such a big deal in the first place. It then becomes much, much harder to pull back.

Sunny
01-22-2008, 07:34 PM
.If you think its just pleasure and your spouse doesn't get anything more than vag, it may be because you can't give him.

honestly, if you seemed to be even remotely capable of engaging in a discussion without making completely asinine assumptions about situations you don't know shit about, i'd probably feel more inclined to continue this; as of now, however, i'm the second person you insulted for no reason, and as such, i'm tired of wasting my time on your dense ass. thanks for playing though, dipshit.

JoY
01-23-2008, 01:27 PM
I totally understand Gulsah and Michelle here. I really don't think what they're saying is even remotely outrageous or odd or anything. I'm different, however, but that relates to weird experiences I've had with that sort of shit. But what they're saying makes perfect sense.

I understand their point of view, but I guess we all think back to our own experiences, or what we would do ourselves, or whatever.

I don't sleep with people I don't give a shit about. I've tried it, but I don't like it, at all. so sex for me is never just sex. even that time when I just had sex & it didn't mean a damn. because I need something more than that, dammit. & I will not accept that sex is just sex for the man I love. because who the hell am I then? a coupon for three years of sex on legs?

I will not accept it if my man had "just sex" with another person. no, hell no. he can have tons of female friends & I'll be happy for him, even if he's emotionally committed to some level to them. because jeez, who isn't when it comes to good friends? you can be emotionally involved in different ways, but if my man was emotionally involved with a person in a way he'd have sex with her (& it wasn't me), I would be gone.

& alcohol, as a drug, only magnifies certain moods & tendencies. it doesn't magically put them in your head by itself, or in your dick.

anyway, the time I was cheated on at least no one tried to tell me it was "just sex". maybe I was told it "just happened", but I don't remember anyone saying it was "just sex". it wasn't "just sex". it was symptomatic "your relationship has gone to hell & both parties are absolutely miserable in it"-sex. & the girl... well.. she's not the girl to have "just sex" with, especially not for him. he needed someone that wasn't me. I blame myself for not ending things in time, but I blame him for not being man enough to either fight for it, or save me the pain & humiliation.

edit; sorry I made this post personal, but this subject bugs me too much to act like I'm just speculating. if things hadn't occured, maybe I'd feel differently about the subject.

calichix
01-23-2008, 02:48 PM
it's always more than "just sex" for one of the parties involved. and there's all the flirty bidness leading up to it. I dunno, I'm not psychologically cut out for loveless intimacy. If a gypsy told me from here on any sexual contact I'll ever have again for the rest of my life is gonna be completely casual, I'd be totally asexual and I wouldn't mind a'tall. dudes are more biologically inclined to fuck everything walking and chicks are more biologically inclined to love everything walking. but then again that's just socialization talking.

Meg
01-24-2008, 04:16 AM
I think sexuality is personilized, which two partners share more than their organs.

Yes, I share my liver with my boyfriend. God you're an imbecile.



Not only is cheating complicated, the whole relationship thing is fucking complicated. Everyone's different, and every couple is different. Hell, take "open relationships" as an example. Some wouldn't even consider that a relationship, whereas the people in that relationship could be perfectly happy.

Everything is personalised. Absolutely everything. And to be honest I don't think you should start trying to make clever philosophical judgments on a subject you clearly know nothing about.

TheUnholyNightbringer
01-25-2008, 04:22 AM
This is quite an interesting thread, actually. I hadn't realised there's so many varied ideas on this.

As for me, I have experience of cheating and being cheated on. Not proud of it, but *shrug*. And in every situation that I've been cheated on, I had to take the context of the whole situation into consideration. Had we just had a fight when she did it? Was she drunk? How much happened? Or maybe it was just that she wanted to fuck someone else.

Each situation is different, and I don't have the right to be sweeping and judgemental about cheaters, because I've been one myself. I've given into base feelings when I shouldn't have. And therefore I at least try to get all the facts before I cast that whore 'twixt the city walls.

JoY
01-25-2008, 05:20 AM
what do people consider cheating anyway? secretly having feelings for somebody else, not resisting the urge to flirt around with other people, kissing with another person, having sex with another person? there are various degrees of cheating & various definitions going around.

thefreedictionary.com says:
1. To deceive by trickery; swindle: cheated customers by overcharging them for purchases.
2. To deprive by trickery; defraud: cheated them of their land.
3. To mislead; fool: illusions that cheat the eye.
4. To elude; escape: cheat death.

v.intr.
1. To act dishonestly; practice fraud.
2. To violate rules deliberately, as in a game: was accused of cheating at cards.
3. Informal To be sexually unfaithful: cheat on a spouse.

ready_set_fail
01-25-2008, 10:03 AM
i'm married, fuckwad, and i'd much rather have my husband stick it in some random vag than become seriously emotionally involved with someone else. in case your puny brain cannot fully grasp this concept: it doesn't mean that he's free to fuck around.

Well honestly, its not like a man to become emotionally involved with much of anything. So, I dont mean this to be offensive, but if your husband became emotionally bonded with another girl, and that be there only bind, I would worry more about him being gay.

Ok, on a serious note. thats not to say men dont become emotionally involved, I like to be very emotionally involved in a relationship. I disdain the sheer thought of cheating. I have been cheated on. And, admittedly I have cheated on, once. never again, because as she hurt me, I saw how it hurt her. and I could never ever do that to someone again.

JohnnyNemesis
01-25-2008, 10:05 AM
Well honestly, its not like a man to become emotionally involved with much of anything. So, I dont mean this to be offensive, but if your husband became emotionally bonded with another girl, and that be there only bind, I would worry more about him being gay.

For a minute there, I thought you were serious, and I was about to flip the goddamn fuck out. lawl.

Betty
01-26-2008, 01:44 PM
What do people consider cheating? I'm sure everybody has their own definition and that's probably how it should be.

But I guess in a broad sense it would have to be doing something behind your partner's back that, as a couple, you have agreed should not be done. For some couples that might be doing something as small as slapping a member of the opposite sex on the ass.

Obviously, in any kind of open relationship, if one partner is sexually intimate with other people, then that's okay in their relationship. And they may have boundaries to this that have to be respected. Some couples are swingers. Sometimes in couples one or more of the members are gay or bisexual and are "allowed" to be intimate with members of the opposite sex.

As for the emotional connection thing, I figure I'll clarify. It's not just a matter of becoming close to a member of the opposite sex. It's when you get to that point where you develop feelings of attraction for that person. When you start feeling more strongly about that person than your partner. When you would cancel some form of date with your partner for this other person. Etc. There's a difference between that situation and just having a really close friend with whom you feel comfortable having serious personal conversations. I've had this happen to me, usually at the point where a relationship was becoming rocky and about to end, and I started having feelings for another guy instead. It's a pretty awful feeling. And I guess it's sometimes inevitable that you have feelings for other people, but ideally if you can get rid of them pretty quickly or not nurture the relationship with the other person in that way, then that's okay. But I would prefer my boyfriend have meaningless sex with another girl than have this type of ongoing emotional connection with one.

ready_set_fail
01-26-2008, 02:51 PM
For a minute there, I thought you were serious, and I was about to flip the goddamn fuck out. lawl.

lol.
no it was a joke.