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Duskygrin
02-23-2008, 02:14 AM
. .

Endymion
02-23-2008, 02:16 AM
One afternoon a bartender was surprised to find three new customers sitting at his bar, and all three were very sullen. After a great deal of time, he decided to break the silence, and asked the first man about his troubles.
"I'm the head of a large company, and I have to keep up a good appearance for my employees. But at a large seminar, in front of every member of my staff, I tried to tell them to reach for the sky. Instead, I told them they had pie in their eye."
"That's nothin'!", said the man of the cloth, sitting next to him. "I am the supposed to be the strongest thread in the moral fabric of my church, and when I tried to tell them to put hope in their souls, I actually told them to put soap in their holes!"
"That's nothing.", said the silent stranger at the end of the bar. "What could be worse than that?" asked the bartender.
"This morning at the breakfast table, I looked at my wife and meant to say, 'honey, please pass me the cornflakes'. Instead, I looked at her, and said,'you bitch, you fucked up my whole life.'"

Cock Joke
02-23-2008, 07:41 AM
My friend emailed me that joke years ago. (Yea, he's one of those. :p)

Harnum
02-23-2008, 09:00 AM
"This morning at the breakfast table, I looked at my wife and meant to say, 'honey, please pass me the cornflakes'. Instead, I looked at her, and said,'you bitch, you fucked up my whole life.'"
I love this... so much... <3

H1T_That
02-23-2008, 09:27 AM
Neither of those were funny.

Jakebert
02-23-2008, 09:37 AM
That may be the oldest joke ever told.

0r4ng3
02-23-2008, 09:42 AM
So, a seal walks into a club and starts dancing.

Jakebert
02-23-2008, 10:32 AM
A priest, a rabbi, and a Muslim walk into a bar. 3 hours later they walk out the best of friends, glad that they spent the last 3 hours getting to know each other.

mrconeman
02-23-2008, 10:40 AM
Three blind mice go to a pub, but they are unaware of their surroundings and to derive humour from it would be exploitative.

0r4ng3
02-23-2008, 10:43 AM
Knock knock.

Who's there?

Doorbell repair service.

khaaaaan
02-23-2008, 10:50 AM
wow, this is a genuine comedy goldmine! get it? comedy goldmine. stop daining jokes and posting them as your own.

mrconeman
02-23-2008, 10:55 AM
A man goes into a thread and complains because he doesn't have any jokes of his own.

JohnnyNemesis
02-23-2008, 11:03 AM
^Unbelievable win.

Jakebert
02-23-2008, 11:24 AM
wow, this is a genuine comedy goldmine! get it? comedy goldmine. stop daining jokes and posting them as your own.

I don't think anyone here claimed that they came up with those jokes.

wheelchairman
02-23-2008, 11:40 AM
wow, this is a genuine comedy goldmine! get it? comedy goldmine. stop daining jokes and posting them as your own.

I think it's pretty clear that these jokes were from the internet... (or possibly even from bars, school, other social situations where jokes are shared.)

JohnnyNemesis
02-23-2008, 11:48 AM
I think it's pretty clear that these jokes were from the internet... (or possibly even from bars, school, other social situations where jokes are shared.)

Which is also how just about 95% of jokes are spread. Is the dude not familiar with how jokes work?

SkunkIt
02-23-2008, 12:29 PM
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.

Endymion
02-23-2008, 12:43 PM
moar lyk christopher notdead, amirite?

SkunkIt
02-23-2008, 12:44 PM
lolz, u r so rite.

Lizardus
02-23-2008, 12:50 PM
What's the opposite of Christopher Reeves? Christopher Walken.
Sigged.

How does a pirate say "thank you" in Japanese?
ARRRRRigato!!!

A young man is captured by pirates and is persuaded to join the crew rather than walk the plank. After a few weeks at sea the captain speaks to the man and asks him how he is getting on. The man replies that on the whole he is enjoying things - the rum-soaked drinking binges, the plundering, etc - but there was one thing missing.

"What's that?" asks the captain.
"Well, there are no women" replies the man.

"Arrr" says the captain "Follow me!" The man follows the captain to what appears to be a barrel, on top of the barrel stands a coconut with a face drawn on and a few strands of wispy straw for hair. On the barrel is a crude outline of a woman's body and between the legs is a bung hole. "We calls her Carmen," says the captain, "and you may take her as you will". The man explains that he was unlikely to make use of her and goes on his way.

However, as the months go by with no respite, Carmen appears more and more attractive to the young man. Finally he can resist her no longer and the man has his wicked way with Carmen the rum barrel. To his amazement the experience is far more satisfying than he could ever have imagined!

The next day the captain greets him again. "How did you get on with Carmen then, lad?" he asks eagerly. The man replies "Rather better than I thought... actually, it was rather good!"

"Good," says the captain, a great beaming smile splitting his black-bearded face. "It's your turn in the barrel tomorrow!"

Wolfbutter
02-23-2008, 12:58 PM
Hey, let me tell you all a story, about a guy, and his box.

Now, he had a job, and he had a family, but he left that job, and his family to spend his life with his box, because that's all he thought he had in life. One day his kids asked, "where's daddy?" and mom said he wasn't around anymore. They look in the garage and they said, "where's daddy's box?" And mom said "He's cheating on me. With a box."

Now, you're thinking this is pretty fucked up right? Well I think it's pretty fucked up too! A guy leaving his wife and his kids for a fucking box! What a fucking moron, seriously. But anyways, as he was traveling down the road he met a man in a car. Now, this car was an ordinary car. It had two doors and a softtop. So he gets in the car and he's driving down and he asks the man, "Hey man, you got a cigarette?" The man slaps him in his face and says, "For a cigarette you gotta give me a little sumtin' sumtin'. And the guy that has the box said "I can't give you that sumtin' sumtin'. You know why I can't give you that sumtin' sumtin'? Because I have a wife and kids, and I don't play like that! The guy meant, "Give me a dollar." The guy with the box thought it was something else you know, give 'em a little sumtin' sumtin'? He thought a little sucky sucky. But it wasn't no fucking sucky sucky!

So he got out of the car after a few miles. He was really hungry and he only had 5 dollars and he saw a little restaurant that just opened on the corner. So, he went down to that little restaurant and he got hit on by this waitress. This waitress was really hot. You know she was beautiful, she was banging, big tits, dude anybody would fuck her, seriously. He said, "You know what, I got a box, and plus I have a wife at home but I left my wife for the box so I can't really sleep with you, or my wife so I pretty much sleep with this box. And I have children at home, but I don't want my children anymore! I'd rather have my box! So you know, they wouldn't let him in the restaurant because he wouldn't have sex with the waitress even though she was really hot, fuckin' big boobs and anyone would fuck her. But you know he didn't anyways.

So he left the restaurant and all of a sudden he sees this cop and the cop asks him, "Hey man what are you doing with that box?" And then the guy said "This box is my lover. I wanna marry this box, I love this box." The cop thought he was a little crazy and was on crank. Or crack, or whatever kind of drug makes you just be weird. 'Cause I'm not sure, I'm just a storyteller. I don't know what drugs do to people! Why the fuck would I know what drugs do to people, seriously! I don't do drugs, why the fuck would I do drugs? Why the HELL would I do drugs? Seriously I don't fucking do drugs!

But anyways, the cop took him to jail 'cause he thought he was a little crazy. Asked him a few questions. He got let go because he wasn't crazy. He's not crazy at all, he's not crazy. So he kept on this journey. He just kept going, he kept going far away. About two days later, about two days went by. And he saw that waitress. You know that waitress at the restaurant. Big boobs, really fucking hot, anyone would fuck her and you'd be stupid not to fuck her? You know, unless you had a girlfriend, I understand if you have a girlfriend or you're married or anything. You just don't cheat, cheating is WRONG. Never cheat. Never cheat on anybody. If you cheat, you're a liar, if you're a cheater, you'll always be a cheater. Remember that. But anyways, as he was walking, he just kept walking farther and farther, Just kept walking to the nearest place he could with the waitress. The waitress kept on hitting on him. You know what waitress I'm talking about, I'm not gonna repeat myself. You know she's hot. You haven't seen her but I'm telling the story so fucking listen.

So, he was with her, and she said "Hey you should ditch that box and be with me." He's all "Babe, can I call you babe?" And she's all "Sure." So he called her babe, and he's all, "You know what babe? Listen. If I was gonna leave this box I'd go back to my wife and kids. You know, we got a big house and I have a nice car, but I just wanna keep walking with this box because I love this box. Ever since I bought the refrigerator it came in, I fell in love with the box 'cause of the color." She said, "But it's brown." He said, "Shut the fuck up and leave me alone, I know it's brown! But that's what I want to do." What happened is he just kept walking. He kept walking as far as he can to the farthest place he could. And you know where he went? Some pretty crazy places, that's where he went.

And then he ran into this other girl. Now you wouldn't touch this girl with a 90 foot stick. She was probably STD-infested and full of lice. Why the fuck would you wanna fuck a girl that's STD-infested and full of lice? I fucking wouldn't you know! If you have a girlfriend don't cheat. If you fucking cheat you're a fucking liar. Cheat, you always cheat. Don't cheat, Yeah, yeah, have a bagel. What the fuck's a bagel? Don't eat a bagel have watermelon! What the fuck's a watermelon? Don't eat a watermelon have some cereal! What the fuck's cereal? Watermelon, bagel, cereal? I want some milk! Have some fucking milk then, whatever.

But anyways, he kept walking, he kept walking really far, REALLY REALLY far. And finally he ended up back home with his wife and his kids. And you know what he said? "Babe, I'm never leaving you again. But I have this box and I have to. As long as I get to sleep in my box babe, and our box gets to be in bed with us I'll be with you. I'll be with you forever! I love you babe. Forever."

Cock Joke
02-23-2008, 02:08 PM
Hahaaaaa! Nice, Lizardus!

MrJoe
02-23-2008, 05:11 PM
Now its late, and I've had a fair bit to drink. But Wolfbutter - what the fuck?

Jakebert
02-23-2008, 06:06 PM
So a man and his family walk into a talent agency...

HornyPope
02-23-2008, 11:47 PM
One afternoon a bartender was surprised to find three new customers sitting at his bar, and all three were very sullen. After a great deal of time, he decided to break the silence, and asked the first man about his troubles.
"I'm the head of a large company, and I have to keep up a good appearance for my employees. But at a large seminar, in front of every member of my staff, I tried to tell them to reach for the sky. Instead, I told them they had pie in their eye."
"That's nothin'!", said the man of the cloth, sitting next to him. "I am the supposed to be the strongest thread in the moral fabric of my church, and when I tried to tell them to put hope in their souls, I actually told them to put soap in their holes!"
"That's nothing.", said the silent stranger at the end of the bar. "What could be worse than that?" asked the bartender.
"This morning at the breakfast table, I looked at my wife and meant to say, 'honey, please pass me the cornflakes'. Instead, I looked at her, and said,'you bitch, you fucked up my whole life.'"

Good one.
I happen to know a lot of people who were pissed off as a result of something I said once.

khaaaaan
02-24-2008, 02:05 AM
I think Wolfbutter's joke is Bob Saget:) At least, in my head, I read it as if bob saget was telling it. Bob Saget.

IamSam
02-24-2008, 02:09 AM
I have a riddle for you. A conundrum if you will. What is the difference between you and a sick mallard? One's a duck, I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore.

T-6005
02-24-2008, 07:48 AM
How many BBS members does it take to screw in a lightbulb? (http://www.offspring.com/forums/showthread.php?t=22524)

H1T_That
02-24-2008, 08:06 AM
Ha!

that was a good thread.

That_Guy91
02-24-2008, 08:07 AM
I have a riddle for you. A conundrum if you will. What is the difference between you and a sick mallard? One's a duck, I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore.

Nobody ever tells that joke right.

Llamas
02-24-2008, 10:30 AM
I have a riddle for you. A conundrum if you will. What is the difference between you and a sick mallard? One's a duck, I can't remember the rest, but your mother's a whore.

Wow, you totally fucked that up. It doesn't even make sense how you said it. *What is the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck...*

Vera
02-24-2008, 10:35 AM
So, a seal walks into a club and starts dancing.

In its context, made me laugh out loud.

T - Massive love for that thread. MB won the internets and then handed them over to the Chinese.

IamSam
02-24-2008, 11:31 AM
Wow, you totally fucked that up. It doesn't even make sense how you said it. *What is the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck...*

I really don't care. It was damn early in the morning and I was tired.

MrJoe
02-24-2008, 11:40 AM
Calm down, child.

Cock Joke
02-24-2008, 12:01 PM
In its context, made me laugh out loud.

T - Massive love for that thread. Mota Boy won the internets and then handed them over to the Chinese.

So that explains why Asia has more bandwidth than the U.S. :p

Nazz
02-24-2008, 12:07 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive, they notice all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Scotsman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor, and proceeds to drink his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out of his drink and holds it over the drink yelling, "Come on ya little bastard, spit it out!"

Nazz
02-24-2008, 12:09 PM
Nobody ever tells that joke right.

Yeah nobody ever reuses SNL Jeopardy in a correct manner.

IamSam
02-24-2008, 02:16 PM
An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer. When the drinks arrive, they notice all three pints have a fly in them. The Englishman looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away. The Scotsman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor, and proceeds to drink his beer. The Irishman picks the fly out of his drink and holds it over the drink yelling, "Come on ya little bastard, spit it out!"

That is one of my all time favs.

mrconeman
02-24-2008, 03:05 PM
tbh it's not very accurate. We'd drink it with the fly still in, just to be sure.

Nazz
02-24-2008, 05:11 PM
tbh it's not very accurate. We'd drink it with the fly still in, just to be sure.

I'm Irish too xD but I still love that joke.