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IamSam
08-12-2008, 11:08 AM
So. Here we are. I am going to get really personal here and hope that I can get some advice that can help me in my relationship. Never thought I'd look for relationship advice here, but the more I read from certain posters, the more I trust a lot of you. So, here is my ordeal:

I've been going out with my gf for 3 months now. As odd as this may sound, this is my longest and most serious relationship in my life. I have never felt what I feel now and I think that is good. However, I'm having issues with 'cold feet' as it were. I can't help but try destroy this great thing in my life. I went home this week to rest and relax and since I've been home I have gotten an offer for a one night stand from a lesbian who wants to try the penis just one more time and I got drunk last night and almost cheated on my gf with an ex.

To describe me a little bit, I have a high moral standard for myself. I find me even looking, nay thinking about doing anything with these girls deplorable. But at the same time part of me (probably my penis) wants to run amok without responsibility for what the consequences would be. What the hell is wrong with me? I have a beautiful gf whom I love something fierce (I haven't told her this yet because the 'L' word scares her) but at the same time as me loving her I try to sabotage it by cheating on her with people I will never see again. And sure as hell I'm not going to tell my gf because that would cause distrust.

I'm just having a tough time right now because I find my actions/thoughts deplorable and it shakes me to the core that while I am normally very self controlled it seems recently I have a general disregard for any form of self control. All I know right now though is that I don't think I could ever actually cheat on her because just thinking about it and getting close to doing so last night has left me an emotional/psychological wreck as I question the very fabric of my being.

So what the hell is wrong with me? Is this normal?

nieh
08-12-2008, 11:19 AM
So what the hell is wrong with me? Is this normal?

1) You're human. 2) Yes
Everyone in a relationship always has to deal with temptations. If you're happy with who you'e with then you just have to learn how to deal with them without acting on them. No piece of ass or one night stand is worth ruining a happy, healthy relationship over. And I'm a little confused, have you actually cheated on her? Because you say you were offered sex with a lesbian and almost hooked up with your ex but that neither actually happened, then later you say "I try to sabotage it by cheating on her with people I'll never see again".

Rag Doll
08-12-2008, 11:36 AM
I agree with nieh. I think it's normal. On the bright side, you see that you shouldn't do it and therefore aren't acting on it and have no plans to act on it.

I think, like you said, it's just cold feet. You'll probably end up getting over it completely. In the very beginning of my current relationship I was ending a "friends with benefits" situation. So Mr.FWB would occasionally call me up and it would be a little bit tempting, but I never cheated and was a little bothered that I would even take his calls/remotely entertain the idea. Now, the only time I would even consider boning someone other than my mens (we've been together a year and then some) is if it was Billy Corgan or something. But that's already been okay'd in our relationship ;p

drex878
08-12-2008, 11:49 AM
I've actually been in quite a similar situation, except the other girl wasn't a lesbian. For over a year I've been dating my girlfriend and I come across temptations all the time. The first time I was feeling exactly how you are, I felt like something was wrong with me. You just have to learn to ward off these feelings and let it pass by. Strange how human nature can make one feel this way. So just ignore those temptations, because ending a strong, healthy relationship over a small little affair is useless.

IamSam
08-12-2008, 11:51 AM
. And I'm a little confused, have you actually cheated on her? Because you say you were offered sex with a lesbian and almost hooked up with your ex but that neither actually happened, then later you say "I try to sabotage it by cheating on her with people I'll never see again".

Sorry, mistype. I'm running on 3 hours of drunken sleep and just got back from having fillings put in so I'm kinda loopy...not helping me out at all.
But yes, neih, I really don't want to mess this up and this morning I was nearly sick just thinking about how damn close I was to fucking it all up. I had been drinking quite a bit last night and I'm lucky nothing happened. Damn lucky. I'm going to take a break from drinking for awhile cause apparently I say things that I don't even remember.

Rag Doll: So you think it will pass? I won't have to deal with it after awhile. Cause I hate even perking up to the temptation. It fucking sucks because I know it would ruin everything and yet I still am drawn to it like a moth to a light.

Andy
08-12-2008, 11:54 AM
It's very normal; I am exactly the same. Problem is, I'm twenty-two now and still make the same mistakes.

Rag Doll
08-12-2008, 11:56 AM
Rag Doll: So you think it will pass? I won't have to deal with it after awhile. Cause I hate even perking up to the temptation. It fucking sucks because I know it would ruin everything and yet I still am drawn to it like a moth to a light.

I think it'll either pass or it'll end up being such a fleeting thought that you can push it out of your mind easily, knowing you would never ever act on it. You know what I mean? Provided of course that you want to keep this relationship going. I just know it passed for me.

It's also good you're going to try to remove yourself from situations where it could be a problem (ie: going to cut down on drinking). That should hopefully help the situation too.

Rooster
08-12-2008, 12:03 PM
Sorry, mistype. I'm running on 3 hours of drunken sleep and just got back from having fillings put in so I'm kinda loopy...not helping me out at all.
But yes, neih, I really don't want to mess this up and this morning I was nearly sick just thinking about how damn close I was to fucking it all up. I had been drinking quite a bit last night and I'm lucky nothing happened. Damn lucky. I'm going to take a break from drinking for awhile cause apparently I say things that I don't even remember.

Rag Doll: So you think it will pass? I won't have to deal with it after awhile. Cause I hate even perking up to the temptation. It fucking sucks because I know it would ruin everything and yet I still am drawn to it like a moth to a light.

You were drunk, you were not thinking straight. A lot of things can happen when you are under the influence of alcohol (trust me, i know...), but still nothing happened - maybe your self controll is strong enough to prevent that.

Anyway, maybe it would really be better for you to stop drinking for a while, at least untill you would get over your "cold feet" problem, which i'm sure will pass eventually. Maybe you are a bit nervous because you still haven't told her you love her? In this case just take things slowly and eventually you'll both trust each other enough and you could tell her.

Untill then: try to avoid alcohol, or at least take her to the party with you, that way you won't be thinking about other ones ;)

I hope i helped a bit.

Rag Doll
08-12-2008, 12:10 PM
Maybe you are a bit nervous because you still haven't told her you love her?

I feel like I'm slow in relationships or something. I waited 2 weeks short of a year to say THE PHRASE to my mens. And I don't think it in any way made either of us more nervous or hindered the relationship.

I don't know.

nieh
08-12-2008, 12:13 PM
It's also good you're going to try to remove yourself from situations where it could be a problem (ie: going to cut down on drinking). That should hopefully help the situation too.

Agreed. That doesn't necessarily mean you should stop completely, just don't drink so much when you're surrounded by people that will tempt you to the point where the alcohol might make you act on it.

Rooster
08-12-2008, 01:10 PM
I feel like I'm slow in relationships or something. I waited 2 weeks short of a year to say THE PHRASE to my mens. And I don't think it in any way made either of us more nervous or hindered the relationship.

I don't know.

No, it's not how i meant. I meant that maybe he's a bit nervous because he is not able to tell her that yet, because she seems to be afraid of the word (like he said), and it's a bit confusing. Maybe that's the reason of "cold feet" problem, along with the fear of blewing everything up. Anyway, i'm sure that time will save that problem.

Sunny
08-12-2008, 01:15 PM
it seems like she might not be only person who's scared of the "L" word here.

i think there's a difference between temptations and cold feet. while temptations and finding other people attractive are totally human, it almost seems to me that 3 months is a bit too early for that to start. like, at 3 months into the relationship, people are usually so into each other that the concept of anyone else never enters their minds. however, it does seem that you have been moving fairly fast, and if it's your first serious relationship, it might be a bit scary or odd at first. maybe you are subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship because you're afraid of being too committed too early on? i wouldn't necessarily conflate this with the usual temptations everyone experiences.

do you think you're ready for a serious relationship?

jacknife737
08-12-2008, 02:48 PM
Although i usually end up giving terrible advice during these type of situations, i'd go with what nieh said. Everyone has to deal with this kind of thing at some point, so don't get too worked up over it. Just relax, and let rational thinking prevail.

lost_nvrfound
08-12-2008, 03:02 PM
I had a friend who had this very same problem, except he acted on his temptations and the girl he wanted to marry won't speak to him now. He had a ring and everything. Just think about your girl and how much you don't want to hurt her. There will always be the temptation, but it seems that so far, you've had the self control to prevent acting on it.

A guy I know is currently engaged, and unfortunately, I seem to be his temptation to ruining his relationship. It sucks from this side too. It makes me a little ill to think that if I'm not careful around him, I may cause them both a lot of pain. I don't even know his girlfriend and it makes me ill.

IamSam
08-12-2008, 05:36 PM
it seems like she might not be only person who's scared of the "L" word here.

maybe you are subconsciously trying to sabotage the relationship because you're afraid of being too committed too early on?

do you think you're ready for a serious relationship?

1. Yes, I am. It's been misused and overused time and time again.
2. Quite possibly. Things have moved fast. We haven't had sex, so not as fast as one relationship I was in, but emotionally things are moving very fast for me.
3. I really think that I am ready for a serious relationship. It's something that I've actually wanted for awhile now it's just that I didn't expect all these emotions...and for them to be so volatile as well.

Thank you all for your help. It makes me feel much better to know that many go through this. Lostnvrfound, thank you for the stories they have helped out well.

lost_nvrfound
08-12-2008, 10:14 PM
1. Yes, I am. It's been misused and overused time and time again.
2. Quite possibly. Things have moved fast. We haven't had sex, so not as fast as one relationship I was in, but emotionally things are moving very fast for me.
3. I really think that I am ready for a serious relationship. It's something that I've actually wanted for awhile now it's just that I didn't expect all these emotions...and for them to be so volatile as well.

Thank you all for your help. It makes me feel much better to know that many go through this. Lostnvrfound, thank you for the stories they have helped out well.

No problem. I glad that I was able to offer something relevant. I hope you relationship can continue in a positive direction.