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View Full Version : Dear red states,



Llamas
10-30-2008, 06:46 PM
If you manage to steal this election too we've decided we're leaving.

We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.

We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

We get stem cell research, the best beaches, the Statue of Liberty, and Disneyworld. You get Dollywood.

We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.

We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.

We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.

We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home.

We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up,but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country's fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce,92% of the nation's fresh fruit, 95% of America's quality wines, 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, 95% of the corn and soybeans (thanks Iowa!), most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias, and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, Northwestern, and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92%of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all
televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University and Jerry Falwell's Liberty University. We get Hollywood, Broadway, and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards actually believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.


Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed
they grow in Mexico.
Peace out,
Blue States

jacknife737
10-30-2008, 06:50 PM
"The South shall rise again"
-The Red States

hshduppsnt
10-30-2008, 07:09 PM
absolutely hilarious, thank you for the good laugh :)!

Thomas
10-30-2008, 07:15 PM
Yeah, it's all fun and games until you realize that you live in a red state. :(

wheelchairman
10-30-2008, 07:17 PM
pfff New California my ass. Go Cascadia!

Llamas
10-30-2008, 07:21 PM
Yeah, it's all fun and games until you realize that you live in a red state. :(

Quick! You have 5 days left to move! Or just pray Obama wins! hahaha.

And yeah I don't really like the proposed name... maybe it could be "united states of no babies"

T-6005
10-30-2008, 07:42 PM
No offense, llamas, but after that gay marriage spiel you posted on Facebook I'm kind of annoyed at this stupid bullshit.

wheelchairman
10-30-2008, 07:43 PM
I also got that update on facebook, I also thought "wt...f?" and then I read it and it very very quickly showed itself to be heavily ironic. :p

Moose
10-30-2008, 08:38 PM
even if you win...can you, just you please leave...please.


...fuck...i really hope there is some sort of fraud and stolen election now...keep your promise.

Cock Joke
10-30-2008, 09:00 PM
You can keep Microsoft.

randman21
10-30-2008, 09:37 PM
even if you win...can you, just you please leave...please.


...fuck...i really hope there is some sort of fraud and stolen election now...keep your promise.

Yeah, I was gonna say "This is exactly what they want". Why, exactly? I/they have no clue, and this is why I hate my state (even though we seem to be going blue this time around).

SaiKYoU
10-31-2008, 05:43 AM
i've always found quite ironic that democrats big icon Jimmy Carter is from dixieland and republicans ultraconservative big icon Ronald reagan is from the west coast...

anyways, jesusland is running out of poblation this elections...

randman21
10-31-2008, 07:15 AM
Ummm, Jimmy Carter? Really? Haha, I'm pretty sure even Democrats hate Jimmy Carter (I like him). He's definitely not an icon, and probably one of the most forgettable Presidents ever. Maybe you could stretch it and say Johnson.

SaiKYoU
10-31-2008, 08:49 AM
Ummm, Jimmy Carter? Really? Haha, I'm pretty sure even Democrats hate Jimmy Carter (I like him). He's definitely not an icon, and probably one of the most forgettable Presidents ever. Maybe you could stretch it and say Johnson.

yeah, it was a bas prez for history, but he had something...

i could have said Bill Clinton cuz Arkansas is a Red State, but Georgia raises more heat, and hate...

_Lost_
10-31-2008, 08:55 AM
Yeah, it really does seem NC may go blue this time around. Especially because Obama is so popular in the college crowd (which is really all NC has going for it, college. well... that and furniture market).

either way, can i come with even though i'm from a slave state?

so the other day, my friend stops by to announce that he did early voting. And he proudly said he voted for everyone that was a democrat, because they were democrat. How fucked up is that? I guess in general, I side with democrats, but not always. I guess the problem is that researching all those politicians takes a lot of time. But seriously, that makes me a little sad in side. There are a lot of democrats that I would NEVER vote for. And i'm not about to vote for someone just because they claim to be one.

randman21
10-31-2008, 09:16 AM
It's sad, but I think it happens more often than not. I'm proud to say that I didn't vote straight Democratic (almost, but not 100%).

OffspringHead
10-31-2008, 09:39 AM
Lmfaoooooooo

_Lost_
10-31-2008, 11:52 AM
haha. yeah. I think people don't put enough thought into these things.

But then again, I often roll a little more towards the middle than most democrats. Neither part is perfect.

Llamas
10-31-2008, 06:11 PM
No offense, llamas, but after that gay marriage spiel you posted on Facebook I'm kind of annoyed at this stupid bullshit.

Huh? Either you didn't catch that it was satire, or you just don't like the political satire in general?


I also got that update on facebook, I also thought "wt...f?" and then I read it and it very very quickly showed itself to be heavily ironic. :p

haha I got that response from a few people ;D

T-6005
11-01-2008, 12:43 PM
Huh? Either you didn't catch that it was satire, or you just don't like the political satire in general?

Subtle as it was, the satire part did not escape my sharp mind. I just found it incredible unfunny. Although now I feel bad about bringing it up.

Llamas
11-01-2008, 01:44 PM
Subtle as it was, the satire part did not escape my sharp mind. I just found it incredible unfunny. Although now I feel bad about bringing it up.

I just thought that maybe you didn't read the whole thing, in which case you might not have gotten to the satire. One of my friends started typing up a counter-argument before he got to the satire.

It's cool if you didn't find it funny, but I don't understand why you're so "annoyed" by this "stupid bullshit".

XYlophonetreeZ
11-02-2008, 02:15 AM
Let's not validate cries of elitism from the other side. Besides, they'd actually get to keep Disneyworld. Blue states would just get Disneyland.

Not to mention we'd be living off home-grown grapes, apples, cheese, and maple syrup. We'd be the most agriculturally retarded nation ever.

Llamas
11-02-2008, 06:11 PM
Let's not validate cries of elitism from the other side. Besides, they'd actually get to keep Disneyworld. Blue states would just get Disneyland.

Not to mention we'd be living off home-grown grapes, apples, cheese, and maple syrup. We'd be the most agriculturally retarded nation ever.

Definitely not true about the cheese; Wisconsin AND California are the two leading dairy producers, and both are blue states. :P Minnesota is a big producer of apples and maple syrup, as well.

But obviously it's just a joke. The red states certainly have plenty of great things in them, plus there are a lot of states that fluctuate between red and blue.

XYlophonetreeZ
11-04-2008, 12:14 AM
That's what I meant though. Apples = Washington, grapes = California, cheese = Wisconsin, and maple syrup = Vermont. All blue states. My point was that we wouldn't have much else.

My comment was meant to be taken lightly as well. It doesn't fly in reality. Cape Verde was a bunch of rocks when explorers discovered it, with nothing much growing on it or able to grow, and they're one of the most well-off countries in Africa, beating out countries that have tons and tons of natural resources yet are in abject poverty. If I was trying to make any point at all, it was that there are some good things in red states.

Just no good people. :cool:

wheelchairman
11-04-2008, 12:40 AM
Actually Oregon wine (at least the pinot noir) is also world renowned. We could use the profits to import all the nice food we want.

Oregon also makes amazing beers.

And beer is just liquid bread, who needs solid food?