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T-6005
12-07-2009, 02:52 PM
Be forewarned - this is neither an advice thread nor a thread asking for advice.

I had great friends in high school. We hung out all the time, formed bands together, went to school (obviously), got drunk en masse in parks - the usual. Upon moving to Toronto in the hopes of acquiring a degree (something I'm still working on) I moved into residence, and through alcohol and the usual bonding over things that just about every university student has in common (making fun of other university students so you feel more special, complaining about the administration/the government/the Man/ixnay on the hombre), I made a few friends.

But that's pretty much where it stopped. In my second year I made some acquaintances, but kept the same core circle of friends. I began dating one of them. Then I continued dating her. To this day our relationship is ongoing.

Just in case you cared.

Back to my point.

Normally that would have been fine with me. I like having a small, simple group of friends (but not a group of simple friends) I see fairly often. Tragedy, however, had other plans. One by one my residence buddies succumbed to either the call of the wild, causing them to move out of residence, or the call of their own insufficient brainpower, causing them to drop out. It came to the same thing. My circle of friends shrank, and I had no interest in making new ones.

In my third year I moved out of residence and that is pretty much where my friend-making has stopped. I cut off contact with a few because I no longer cared to speak with them, while others moved to Alberta and others moved to scattered locations throughout Toronto. Now I generally see each friend (well, scattered in groups of 2 for the most part) about once a month, and it kind of bums me out because I have at this point no other opportunity for meeting people than my classes, which tend to be about as good a locale for meeting people as a graveyard. This year (my fifth in Toronto) I made one new friend. ONE. Everyone else I've met in the past few years has been one of Holly's friends, and though I like them and they like me I don't consider them my friends because our interactions are predicated on her presence.

It's a hard world.

I'd like to ask a question about your friendship-making process to try and stimulate some sort of discussion, but I can't think of one. No doubt this thread will fall down the front page like an <insert witty end of simile here>*.

*I was thinking like eyes down the front of a dress, but it was too lame.

nightvision
12-07-2009, 03:12 PM
Well... I've made several new friends since getting a new job in April. I'm really happy about that since some old friends have moved and just about everyone else is busy with their significant other.

SweetTatyana
12-07-2009, 03:28 PM
Yeah most of my friends I have met through one school or another or jobs. I played an intramural one year and met a few other people so that was pretty sick.

DMelges
12-07-2009, 04:23 PM
I'm paranoid of people. I've always had few real friends and that's how I'll always be. No use in having alot of friends that aren't good for anything. Prefer to have a few good friends than a thousando 'fake' friends.

dexter12296566
12-07-2009, 07:02 PM
I would have read the whole thing but I got bored so do you want to tell me what you are talking about in a shorter post?!

T-6005
12-07-2009, 07:04 PM
Dexternumbers, not particularly.

You others, I specifically meant having a set circle of friends... but then watching it slowly diminish through just a loss of contact or someone moving away.

I guess I could take it into my own hands to start new activities... but I've always preferred solitary ones.

DMelges
12-07-2009, 07:16 PM
Dexternumbers, not particularly.

You others, I specifically meant having a set circle of friends... but then watching it slowly diminish through just a loss of contact or someone moving away.

I guess I could take it into my own hands to start new activities... but I've always preferred solitary ones.

Watching a circle of friends diminish through loss of contact is very normal. Having loss of contact normally means your friendship with that person isn't really that strong. Real friends stay in contact no matter what.
I myself am going through the same thing with the end of highschool and beginning of college. I can't wait to meet new people and 'lose' contact with old friends. Sometimes change is good. And hey, if they really are your friends, you won't lose contact. The ones you do lose contact with, aren't worth it.

dexter12296566
12-07-2009, 07:37 PM
Dexternumbers, not particularly.

You others, I specifically meant having a set circle of friends... but then watching it slowly diminish through just a loss of contact or someone moving away.

I guess I could take it into my own hands to start new activities... but I've always preferred solitary ones.

Does that mean unless I read everything, I won't know? That really sucks!

Outerspaceman21
12-07-2009, 07:39 PM
Yeah, I have no problem making friends really. I've made a bunch of new friends in college, the kind where if your walking by, they shout there name to you and you say "whats up". I consider that a friend more then an aquintance. I also still maintain contact with all my friends from high school, mostly trough facebook and whatnot.

I don't know if you'd count it, but I've also made friends from World of Warcraft as well. Some really cool people.

WebDudette
12-07-2009, 07:50 PM
I typically make an effort to not call you out, but this is fucking pathetic. Basically, you feel he should exert more effort to explain his point in a simpler manner because you're lazy?

I don't have quite the same problem as you, but I haven't made a friend that wasn't through another friend since... my Junior year of high school, if not longer? Along with that, I have maybe 4 friends I am comfortable spending one on one time with, not because I don't like my other friends, I just can't talk to them. A lot of my friends have a tendency to believe we are far better friends then I think we are. I recently found out that this kid I know is going to be the best man for a guy he isn't great friends with. I guess that one of the maybe 4 friends I mentioned earlier said something along the lines of 'that'd be like you being Cody's best man' to a friend of mine, and he had a tantrum of sorts about it. The truth is, I do my best to avoid one on one interactions with him, we have absolutely nothing to talk about and I'm not particularly fond of him.

Just woke up, I'm rambling.

dexter12296566
12-07-2009, 07:51 PM
I typically make an effort to not call you out, but this is fucking pathetic. Basically, you feel he should exert more effort to explain his point in a simpler manner because you're lazy?

I don't have quite the same problem as you, but I haven't made a friend that wasn't through another friend since... my Junior year of high school, if not longer? Along with that, I have maybe 4 friends I am comfortable spending one on one time with, not because I don't like my other friends, I just can't talk to them. A lot of my friends have a tendency to believe we are far better friends then I think we are. I recently found out that this kid I know is going to be the best man for a guy he isn't great friends with. I guess that one of the maybe 4 friends I mentioned earlier said something along the lines of 'that'd be like you being Cody's best man' to a friend of mine, and he had a tantrum of sorts about it. The truth is, I do my best to avoid one on one interactions with him, we have absolutely nothing to talk about and I'm not particularly fond of him.

Just woke up, I'm rambling.

I just want to say I only read the first and last sentence and that is too much for a post!(BTW, you type really slow)!

Little_Miss_1565
12-07-2009, 08:04 PM
I just want to say I only read the first and last sentence and that is too much for a post!(BTW, you type really slow)!

Other forum members shouldn't change what they have to say based on whether or not you're going to read it, and it is unreasonable of you to ask them to.

calichix
12-07-2009, 08:35 PM
ugh, I know. no one tells you when you're a charming teenager forced into a situation where you make hundreds of friends by default that once you lose touch and move on with life as an adult, making friends is HARD. you got your coworkers, you got your cool people from public transportation maybe you'll go dancing with, you got your friends of friends or housemates friends, but they're all in these niches that are so hard to break out of. it's hard to say, "hey bff coworker, let's hang out outside of work and meet each others real life friends." or "hey boyfriend's friend who I have several prized inside jokes with, let's hang out sans-boyfriend."

and it's so devastating to go through housemates. you get SO close! but then when you move out it takes the source of all your commonalities and conversations.

:( it's rough.



dexter66669- shut up, girlfriend. just shut up.

WebDudette
12-07-2009, 09:09 PM
I feel like I lose out on what could be some really fantastic friendships because of the niches you mentioned.

wheelchairman
12-07-2009, 09:55 PM
Thi, you just need to get out there and meet people!

God I amuse myself.

calichix
12-07-2009, 10:29 PM
oooh pilz e, I can dig it.

on a similar note, it's totally awkward when you see someone as a casual acquaintance then it becomes evident somehow that they take the friendship a lot more seriously than you do and feel comfortable abbreviating your name or calling you up just to talk and tell you way personal shit like it aint no thang. I always want to say, "hexcuse me, we're not on that level. you're overstepping your mark." but then I'm like well shit I bet I've been the overeager friend with people who I think are hella rad before. maybe this initial "get away from me" feeling is what I have to suffer through to GET on that level noawadays. maybe I'm just deluding myself writing this yahoo off as overbearing and irritating for the benefit of my social laziness.

I just had a neurotic implosion.

T-6005
12-07-2009, 11:00 PM
It's cool, we're the internet. Neurotic implosions are what we're here for.

Not to mention if I didn't have the same trains of thought I'd never have made this thread.

Sidewinder
12-08-2009, 12:09 AM
Obtaining a solid core group of friends is something I've never been able to do and it's miserable.

Adriann
12-08-2009, 01:25 AM
haha, my group makes new friends by saying "what up!" then introducing ourselves whilst making our personalities very obvious haha. apparently I come off as a stoner, which generally attracts people anyways but not the kind I'd like to be around

Zesepible
12-09-2009, 08:10 AM
hey it is easy for me making new friends because i use dating site for the making friend ,actually an online dating service is basically a community of people who gather together to interact, socialize, and make friends with each other. There are a lot of online dating services on the Internet.

wheelchairman
12-09-2009, 08:26 PM
I'm dealing right now with being the stereotyped stoner. Not because I smoke every day, or even know how to roll a joint*. Its just at certain parties I head to I think it would be nice to have a little kick. And now I'm kinda annoyed that people pretty much expect it from me.

Not used to being in that situation. That's annoying.

*In Denmark and I think most of Europe, you can buy pre-made (empty) cones, luxury. Yes for you Americans you might find that concept odd, but Europeans, at least Western Europeans make the cone first and then funnel the stuff in, as opposed to what is probably the more efficient American method of just rolling it at the same time.

killer_queen
12-11-2009, 04:13 AM
I used to have a large number of friends in high school like everyone else. I've never had a problem about being liked. Oh, and I knew that it was going to end one day, that we were going to go our own ways and live miles away from each other, that making friends will get harder and harder. I just haven't guessed that all these things will happen at university. See, when I was at high school I had lots of friends but I couldn't have a truly good time with any of them and everyone used to tell me it would all change when I go to college, there would be lots of people so I could find at least one person that I would like, etc. Well, none of that happened. I have no friends and I can't make new ones since people around here think I'm kinda cold which is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

I'm so glad T started this thread since my family doesn't want to hear my whining anymore and I have to complain to someone after all.

Italia311
12-11-2009, 01:48 PM
For a while, I had a good solid group of friends but I have had the same 3 friends since I was a young child on of which is my cousin. I guess it had something to do with the fact our families moved to Canada around the same time. Their grandparents know my parents, my parents know their parents etc... I grew up in a small town in Canada so it was easy to know everyone and if you all had things in common (brought from the old country) you usually stuck with people you felt comfortable with and understand you.

When I went to University, most of the people in my group moved on to other things like I did, and naturally it got smaller. But I was too preoccupied with school and my new friends in school that I only kept in contact with the ones who still bothered to call and visit, those same 3 friends.

After I graduated I moved back to Europe to work for a while (in Spain) because I wanted something different and always felt more connected to my past, as I felt I owed it to my family to return there some day. Again, my new friends I met at university I stopped talking to but my 2 or 3 friends that shared to European connection with me came to visit and spent weeks with me while I was away.

During my time working in Spain I met some friends whom I have great memories with one of which I have been dating now (from Argentina\Italian: you see again the connection?) for the past 1 and a half years. Having said that, when I left Spain (for Argentina) with my girlfriend I lost contact with all of my friends I met in Spain but, the same 3 friends that I originally mentioned, that still called me in Spain, Italy (they visited) and in Argentina.


So ya...thats my "friends" story. You only keep close the friends who hold the most value to you I guess. People who are willing to give you as much attention as you give to them...

Alison
12-11-2009, 03:01 PM
I made the majority of my friends that I still have today in primary and secondary school. I have lost a few friendships, most of which I don't really care about, but one friend, we used get on so well, and still do, but neither of us ever make the effort nowadays, and i think it would be awkward if we did.
Since starting university, I've made a very small few friends, but only through friends, not of my own accord.
There was a few months were I was a bit cut off from all my friends because of my boyfriend, but I made sure to change all that, and now we're all cool again. I much prefer having the same close bunch of friends, than having to make new ones, who it will take years to actually get on really well with.
I'm shit with making new friends, I'm completely socially retarded and shy, so I'm happy to just stick with the old ones.

T-6005
12-12-2009, 01:35 AM
Ah, stereotypes, processes, essentializations... these are the things that make the question interesting. Is there a single way to make friends?

Not a foolproof way - thinking in those terms is idiotic at best - but just a systematic approach people tend to use?

I was in a bar earlier and had to watch a loudmouthed idiot one table over hit on the waitress for about two hours. It was tedious, it annoyed me, it made me feel almost as snobby as Maria - and it seemed to be working.

Tell me true, guys - are we all susceptible?

WebDudette
12-12-2009, 02:05 AM
I hate seeing that, I really do. It disgusts me to watch someone give in to the persistent nagging of another person, especially after claims of how annoying it is. There was another phrase I wanted to use in place of persistent nagging, but couldn't think of it for the life of me.

Vera
12-12-2009, 02:34 AM
I have a real problem becoming friends with people I work with. Or I should say, in my first summer job. The hours were long, there were so many of us, so I got to know people but not intimately, and I didn't want to spend any extra time with them outside of work - like go to bars etc which the rest of them seemed to do and become friends very quickly because of it.

In other jobs I've made some fairweather friends but again, mates (in the British sense of the word) at best. Not friends, really.

But school/university is where I make most friends which is why my gap years kind of sucked (made one new friend via Open University and another at a job during those two years ... sadly have fallen out of touch with the Open Uni friend). Nowadays I'm good - people from my major are close, we organize parties, get-togethers a lot, they're great people, seem to dig my sense of humor.. I've not really opened up or become particularly close to any of them but that's okay. Plus I got all my former close friends who I see on occasion, the ones who live in unitown more often than those who live in Helsinki, obviously.

I'm worried about not being able to make work friends, though. Maybe at my next job I'll make more of an effort. But unlike school friends who share my interests and are similar to me in terms of personality (at least somewhat), work people can be anything.

Offspring-Junkie
12-12-2009, 04:09 AM
Ah, stereotypes, processes, essentializations... these are the things that make the question interesting. Is there a single way to make friends?

Not a foolproof way - thinking in those terms is idiotic at best - but just a systematic approach people tend to use?


Well, you have to share your interests with your mates and they'll become your friends. The problem of people nowadays is that they just aren't interested (snobby) in what other people think. Everything else is just an idiotic foolproof way you mentioned above.