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View Full Version : Is it unreasonable to refuse to hangout with couples?



WebDudette
08-17-2012, 09:24 PM
Not to long ago a good friend of mine started dating another friend of mine. I hungout with them a few times before telling her that I wasn't really down to hangout with just them anymore. Apparently she took this pretty hard, she said I was getting worked up over nothing, being an asshole, being a crybaby, etc. Wow, it sounds a lot worse than it was, she said all these things, but over the course of weeks and not in an upset tone or anything. Anyway, it's nothing like that, I just simply do not enjoy hanging out with couples. I told her if they were going to be with even just one or two other people I'd totally be done, but just the two of the was I enjoyable and a little awkward. Still, she thinks it's a out of spite or jealousy or something.

Shortly after they started hanging out I was talking to another good friend and he randomly brought them up and how he doesn't like hanging out with them. He and his girlfriend* went on some kind of double date with them and apparently they really didn't like it. He also told her that he didn't want to hangout with just the two of them, albeit in a much more rude way.

So I guess what I want to know is, am I being unreasonable and selfish? Should I have tried avoiding them as much as possible and keeping my mouth shut? Should I have just taken one for the team, continued to hangout with them, and not mention it? I don't know, I figured honesty was the best option, maybe not. At no point was I ever upset about them, but she's certainly upset now, and her boyfriend thinks I hate him.

*I don't like hanging out with just the two of them either.

_Lost_
08-17-2012, 09:31 PM
I don't think its unreasonable. My good friend has a new boyfriend. I almost never accept an invitation to chill with her anymore because she almost always brings him along, most of the time not bothering to mention he'll be there. I like her, but she always acts so 'coupley' with her boyfriends... like i'm not even around. There is nothing worse than being the third wheel on what feels like a date for them.

WebDudette
08-17-2012, 09:36 PM
I think what some couples don't understand is that it has nothing to do with jealousy or hating couple or whatever. It creates a weird dynamic that I'm not interested in or particularly comfortable with. I don't enjoy hanging with two people who are best friends if it's going to make me feel like an outsider either. I also have good friends whose friends I loathe, I've told them this and that I have no intention of hanging out with them when they are with those friends. Obviously I don't dislike them, I just don't enjoy being in that position with other people.

XYlophonetreeZ
08-17-2012, 10:58 PM
I think it all depends on the people's personalities and the way that they're altered once they're in relationships. Because that's different for everybody. In general, the less often they invite you to hang out with them, the more comfortable it should be. My best female friend has had a couple of boyfriends. Her old boyfriend was a guy that I liked personally, but she would always text me to come hang out with them. Always. And it was because she didn't actually have that much of a connection with the guy and needed me to prevent her from boredom. In contrast, her newer boyfriend is kind of a dumbass and I can't say I care for him that much. He's tolerable in person, but he's kind of a screw-up and he always makes really inflammatory and offensive facebook posts. That being said, something has managed to keep them together for a long time and they seem able to function on their own. I still keep in touch with her, but I've only hung out with them a few times and none have been awkward at all.

Lizardus
08-17-2012, 11:51 PM
The only real problem I have with hanging around with couples is feeling like a third wheel. Like a tricycle but not fun.

Tiny Vessels
08-18-2012, 01:12 AM
I guess it really depends on couple and how comfortable you are with them.

With of one my really good friends from work whenever me her and her boyfriend ( I am friends with her boyfriend too, but just alot better friends with her) all go out I have such a good time. They never make me feel like the 3rd wheel.

But with my best friend she really can't understand why if I'm over at her house and he boyfriend comes home why I leave. It is because I feel so uncomfortable and it is so awkward. I do feel like that 3rd wheel with them and he kinda makes it known. If we are in back room talking he will be in and out/making noises/calling for her and she has to go be by him. That's not fun for me. What I don't really don't like is when they both are all over eachother/making out right in front of me.

Like I said it all depends on the couple. Some are a blast to hangout with and some are just uncomfortable.

Outerspaceman21
08-18-2012, 03:58 AM
I understand where you are coming from and share that sentiment. I find hanging out with a couple uncomfortable. It's that awkward third wheel feeling. Part of me wants to hang out with my two friends, but the other parts wants to leave and give them their space.

Llamas
08-18-2012, 06:21 AM
Maybe I'm misinterpreting it, but it sounds to me like you just don't like hanging out with THIS particular couple, rather than all couples. Some people are hopelessly obnoxious in a relationship, and they make it uncomfortable for anyone to hang out with them. I've always made a point of acting platonic with my partner when around friends, no matter how new or exciting a relationship is. I don't act any differently whether single or not (and my friends confirm this without a doubt). But I totally know couples like the one you've described, and they're insufferable and you just wish they'd break up so you could hang out with either or each of them like normal again.

If I'm misinterpreting it and you really just don't like to hang out with couples at all, then that's super weird and it sounds very pessimistic and jealous.

Also, pet peeve - "hangout" is a noun, as in a place you go to hang out. "hang out" is a phrasal verb, as in what you do with friends. "hungout" is not a word. "hung out" is the past tense of "hang out". Okay, I feel better now.

DMelges
08-18-2012, 07:55 AM
I have a girlfriend, and I absolutely HATE when my friends runaway from me just because she's nearby. I'm, or we're, not the kind of couple who makes anyone feel like the third wheel, we don't keep kissing or hugging all the time or anything when my friends are nearby, and we do that on purpose so that our friends don't feel akward. Yet, they still runaway from us as if we make everyone uncomfortable.

I hate that.

OC HAU
08-18-2012, 08:29 AM
http://youtu.be/18NHSGGmnGo

Llamas
08-18-2012, 08:37 AM
I have a girlfriend, and I absolutely HATE when my friends runaway from me just because she's nearby. I'm, or we're, not the kind of couple who makes anyone feel like the third wheel, we don't keep kissing or hugging all the time or anything when my friends are nearby, and we do that on purpose so that our friends don't feel akward. Yet, they still runaway from us as if we make everyone uncomfortable.

I hate that.

That's ultra lame of them if you're not behaving all coupley and annoying... I don't understand that attitude.



http://youtu.be/18NHSGGmnGo

:D

Harleyquiiinn
08-18-2012, 09:43 AM
I think Lost had the key word here which is "new".
A "new" couple might have problems keeping their hands off each other so... not very fun to hang out with.

After a while though, the couple takes enough maturity to notice a third person.

It is also a matter of age I think. When you are a teenager and in a couple, it's basically the only important event in your everyday life.

Anyway, it's just my experience. I got with my boyfriend when I was still almost a teenager and I'm still with him now that I'm reaching 30. I completely noticed the difference and accepted it. Back at the beginning, I think it was completely annoying to hang out with us despite our best efforts (although it is also true that some of our friends were just uncomfortable because we were a couple eventhough we would not even look at each other).

Now, I think people are completey ok with the idea of coming over for a drink as the third person. They grew up and we also grew up as a couple. No one refused in a long time anyway... But that is also because we make excellent mojitos.

DMelges
08-18-2012, 11:24 AM
There's always the jealousy factor too you know. Mostly in my case, I think my friends are jealous that don't have girlfriends, so they don't like seeing me with mine. Yes it is stupid but that's the way people are I guess.

WebDudette
08-18-2012, 07:56 PM
Maybe I'm misinterpreting it, but it sounds to me like you just don't like hanging out with THIS particular couple, rather than all couples. Some people are hopelessly obnoxious in a relationship, and they make it uncomfortable for anyone to hang out with them. I've always made a point of acting platonic with my partner when around friends, no matter how new or exciting a relationship is. I don't act any differently whether single or not (and my friends confirm this without a doubt). But I totally know couples like the one you've described, and they're insufferable and you just wish they'd break up so you could hang out with either or each of them like normal again.


That's ultra lame of them if you're not behaving all coupley and annoying... I don't understand that attitude.

I've found that there are very few couple I enjoy hanging out with, but that's very possibly related to my age and the age of those around me. I also do not find that it's generally an issue of them being too physically affectionate, I mean that happens, but not so much with the two couples I'm talking about. I don't think most couple are as platonic as they'd like to thing, one of my good friends would only ever kiss his girlfriend if people weren't looking and they never really talked about anything relationship wise, but it was still uncomfortable hanging out with just the two of them, even though I liked them both. Of the two couples I referred to in this thread one is my best male friend and his girlfriend who I enjoy and the other is my best female friend and her boyfriend who I have known and been friends with for years, I am also currently talking to a girl. I also talk to them both frequently and see them often, I don't think it's a jealousy thing. Anyway, like I said, it's not really an affection thing or a physical thing. There are just different dynamics involved in a relationship like that, that make being a friend on the outside a little tiresome. Usually it can be fixed by adding just one more person, then it's not a couple and me. Although sometimes, that makes the couple think it's cool to do whatever because they don't have to entertain one party, so then two people are frustrated. That happened a lot with myself, my best friend, his then girlfriend*, and her friend.


I have a girlfriend, and I absolutely HATE when my friends runaway from me just because she's nearby. I'm, or we're, not the kind of couple who makes anyone feel like the third wheel, we don't keep kissing or hugging all the time or anything when my friends are nearby, and we do that on purpose so that our friends don't feel akward. Yet, they still runaway from us as if we make everyone uncomfortable.

I hate that.

My bestfriend dated a girl* in highschool that we all hated. Seriously, she was the least interesting person of all time and just took up space. It had absolutely nothing to do with him having a girlfriend, we just didn't like her. Do you friends dislike your girlfriend? Alternatively, as I told llamas, I don't think most people are as platonic as they'd like to think and it's not always related to physical affection. That said, I know nothing about you, your girlfriend, or your friends, I'm just letting you know how it's been from my perspective.

I just want to clarify once more, because it seems like people are getting defensive, I don't want them to change their relationship to suit me. I'm not upset about this, nor do I hope they break up. I'm just not interested in spending time with just exclusively the two of them. Also, I'm sure it has plenty to do with our ages, the length of their relationships, maturity levels, and half a dozen other things.

ad8
08-20-2012, 02:01 AM
I think that it depends on the type of couple you are hanging out with, but I find that the couples that are not awkward to hang out with are definitely the exception... mostly it is either awkward or lame. It does usually make things better to have a couple more people around that are not in a romantic relationship with one another.



The only real problem I have with hanging around with couples is feeling like a third wheel. Like a tricycle but not fun.

Wouldn't it be more fun to feel like a bridge pillar? (I would expect that Lizardus gets this :P)

killer_queen
08-22-2012, 05:19 AM
I don't think its unreasonable. My good friend has a new boyfriend. I almost never accept an invitation to chill with her anymore because she almost always brings him along, most of the time not bothering to mention he'll be there. I like her, but she always acts so 'coupley' with her boyfriends... like i'm not even around. There is nothing worse than being the third wheel on what feels like a date for them.

I had this problem with two friends of mine. Luckily one of them is not a friend anymore. I hate the fact that people think I should accept my friends and their lovers as a package. So I invite my friend for tea or gossip or shopping for lingerie, something girly I mean, and she comes over with his boyfriend who absolutely has no manners and can't even make small talk and of course gets bored quickly so he starts to demand all of my friend's attention and the whole afternoon they make out in front of me. And I have to add, in both cases boyfriends were not new, the relationship was at least 2 years old. Anyway, being annoyed by this and being honest about it automaticly makes you jealous and not a good friend. I absolutely hate any kind of public displays of affection. I think it's completely unnecessary and people who do it too often are usually insecure about their relationship or secretly want to be watched.

And slightly off topic but the fact that you should share all your secrets with your loved one doesn't exactly mean you should also share your friends' secrets with him too. But apparently this is not a common thought among girls.

mrconeman
08-22-2012, 05:46 PM
The current duration of the relationship is a major factor in this, I think.
Like I have one friend who's girlfriend I kinda really don't like (nobody does, I doubt he even does) but I have no problem hanging out with him when shes around because they've been going out for like 8 years, so there's really no awkward coupley stuff going on.

If a couple is going out a few months or something then fuck that.

My girlfriend is friends with all my friends at this stage too, so there's no awkwardness there at all. My bestfriend, and his ex, and me and my girlfriend would chill as a four piece all the time, once they broke up, we just chill as a three piece a lot of the time and it's not awkward for anyone. It'd just be weird to be all over each other in someone elses company, I'd feel about as uncomfortable as the third wheel. I've been out at bars and whatever with just my girlfriend and bumped into friends who are considerate enough to ask like "Hey man we're not intruding are we? Do you want to be left alone?" that kind of thing. I appreciate the consideration and all, but don't be ludicrous. If we wanted to be alone we wouldn't be in a bar.

Llamas
08-22-2012, 06:12 PM
The current duration of the relationship is a major factor in this, I think.
Like I have one friend who's girlfriend I kinda really don't like (nobody does, I doubt he even does) but I have no problem hanging out with him when shes around because they've been going out for like 8 years, so there's really no awkward coupley stuff going on.

If a couple is going out a few months or something then fuck that.

My girlfriend is friends with all my friends at this stage too, so there's no awkwardness there at all. My bestfriend, and his ex, and me and my girlfriend would chill as a four piece all the time, once they broke up, we just chill as a three piece a lot of the time and it's not awkward for anyone. It'd just be weird to be all over each other in someone elses company, I'd feel about as uncomfortable as the third wheel. I've been out at bars and whatever with just my girlfriend and bumped into friends who are considerate enough to ask like "Hey man we're not intruding are we? Do you want to be left alone?" that kind of thing. I appreciate the consideration and all, but don't be ludicrous. If we wanted to be alone we wouldn't be in a bar.

Yeah, I was thinking that this can be a huge part of it. I have friends who've been together since long before I met them, and it's often even more fun to hang out with both together. But newer couples can get really tiresome. I also think age and maturity plays a role, as well.

Little_Miss_1565
08-22-2012, 06:56 PM
I agree, I think it really depends on the couple, and not couples in general. My boyfriend and I are super self-conscious about this and don't get all OMG MAKE OUT NOW WITNESS OUR AFFECTION...then again, we are also mad old.

WeAreOne9
08-22-2012, 07:20 PM
Not going to lie, my fiancee and I are totally one of those couples that nobody should want to hang out with. We're not about to make out in front of people but we totally get lost in each other's nonsense quite a bit, leaving other parties confused/often annoyed. We totally accept our inability to carry on with more than one person at once though so we never get offended if people don't want to hang out with us lol

DMelges
08-23-2012, 05:41 PM
My bestfriend dated a girl* in highschool that we all hated. Seriously, she was the least interesting person of all time and just took up space. It had absolutely nothing to do with him having a girlfriend, we just didn't like her. Do you friends dislike your girlfriend? Alternatively, as I told llamas, I don't think most people are as platonic as they'd like to think and it's not always related to physical affection. That said, I know nothing about you, your girlfriend, or your friends, I'm just letting you know how it's been from my perspective.

I did consider this for a while, but I don't think that's the case. My girlfriend isn't in direct contact with my friends long enough to actually piss them off for any reason. But I don't know, I'm one of 6 guys. None of them have girlfriends and do often complain that they don't date... so maybe it's just jealousy or the simple fact that the only girlfriend in the group does in fact "ruin" the whole bromance experience of making jokes and looking at other girls and etc...

It is a pain in the ass, I will tell you. And I won't lie, maybe if I were one of the single guys and one of my friends had a girlfriend, I might think she kills the mood simply because us guys like to talk about our subjects and laugh at our stupid jokes.

My advice to anyone in this situation is to just relax. You won't lose your friendship with anybody just because your girlfriend showed up and "killed" the mood, and your girlfriend (if she's a good one) won't mind that you like to hangout with your friends.

Paint_It_Black
10-25-2012, 05:58 PM
Try this on for size. Imagine you've recently made a big move and are now living in a strange city. You only know one person in this city, an old friend that you are now living with. Before making this move you were under the impression that your friend was single, having very recently been dumped by his girlfriend. After making this move you discover that his supposed ex-girlfriend actually has effectively moved in to the flat and is around every single moment preventing you from doing much of anything with your friend. Instead of the anticipated video game marathons you get to watch your friend kiss and cuddle the person who takes advantage of him and routinely dumps him. You get to watch him make her cups of tea when he doesn't even want one himself, make her food whenever she's hungry, fetch things for her from other rooms and, seriously, run her bath for her.

Yeah, I don't think I like hanging out with couples anymore. Though my current reasons are rather specific, I actually agree with basically everything Cody was saying.

Now that I think about it, I don't think I've ever seen a friend truly act like himself around his girlfriend.


There's always the jealousy factor too you know. Mostly in my case, I think my friends are jealous that don't have girlfriends, so they don't like seeing me with mine. Yes it is stupid but that's the way people are I guess.

Or, instead of jealousy, perhaps you are simply reminding them that they are lonely and that makes them sad. Would you want to be around people who make you feel sad? Nothing stupid about that. Also, you actually meant envy, not jealousy.

nieh
10-26-2012, 09:33 AM
I'd say it depends on the couple. I personally get along really well with my best friend and his wife.