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voodoomagik
03-31-2005, 04:03 AM
in one cell in a prison there were 4 guys:a psycho criminal,a sadic,a zoophil and a masochist....after several months of detention the criminal sais:"god,if you could just give me at least a little kitten,i would feed it,i wud take care of it,until it gets big and after that i wud kill her and after that i wud throw her away!!!"......the zoophil sais:"wait a minute....throw her away???i wud take it dead as it is and i wud fuck her brains out...then i wud throw it away..."...the sadic sais :"throw her away..i wud crush it's bones one by one,i wud cut it into small pieces then i wud throw it away..."...after that all of them start to look at the masochist expecting him to say somthin' too....after he thinks for a few moments he sais:"MIAU,MIAU,MIAU!!!!!!!!!!!"

voodoomagik
03-31-2005, 04:05 AM
2 dicks rob a bank..a dildo comes in...."shit,its robocock!!!"

voodoomagik
03-31-2005, 06:04 AM
the diference between vaginal sex and anal sex....about 2-3 inches!!!

Jimbob2005
03-31-2005, 06:07 AM
y were glow in the dark condoms invented?
so gays could play star wars!!!!!!!

voodoomagik
03-31-2005, 07:42 AM
a group of scientists agreed that the woman is the most advanced method to carry the sperm from the bedroom to the bathroom.......

voodoomagik
03-31-2005, 07:43 AM
what has 4 legs and a hand???

dirtybird
03-31-2005, 07:45 AM
These sucks.

voodoomagik
03-31-2005, 07:50 AM
what has 4 legs and a hand???a pitbull coming out of a school!!!!!!!

Homer
03-31-2005, 12:36 PM
http://www.offspring.com/forums/showthread.php?t=6385

Omni
03-31-2005, 04:53 PM
This is a long one.
Three men die and go to heaven. But before Saint Peter can let them in, he has to hear how they died. So the first guy steps up:

"I was a wealthy business man. I lived on the 24th floor of an apartment complex in New York City. I loved my wife, but I kind of had the suspicion she was cheating on me. So I came home early from work today. I announced I was home, and when I didn't hear her greet me, I became even more suspicious. I looked around the house, and when I got to our room, I heard some noises in the bathroom. My adrenaline began pumping and I thought 'OK, this is it.' I swung the door open and it was only my wife showering. Relieved, I sat down on the bed. Suddenly, I heard a noise on the balcony. I looked over the edge and there was a man hanging off! I knew this was the guy, so I started hitting his fingers. He screamed a lot, but he didn't fall, so I went to get a hammer. Well, that did the trick. He let go and fell below, and lo and behold, some bushes broke his fall. So I pushed our refrigerator on him. After that, I felt guilty about what I had done and got a gun and killed myself."

Saint Peter nods and the second guy approaches:

"Well, I lived on the 25th floor of an apartment complex in New York City. And today, I was exercising on my balcony, because I love to get some air while working out. And this day, I got a little too close to the edge and fell over. I caught hold of the 24th floor balcony, and while I was gaining my nerves trying to pull myself up, some crazy guy starts bashing my fingers! I held on for dear life, and then he left. But he came back a few seconds later with a hammer and I couldn't hold up to it. I fell below, but thankfully some bushes got me by with some broken bones, it felt. Then that SAME insane bastard pushed his refrigerator on me, and here I am."

Saint Peter nods and the third guy steps up:

"OK, imagine you're hiding naked in a refrigerator..."

voodoomagik
04-01-2005, 12:18 AM
:d :d :d

+Dexter+
04-01-2005, 09:50 AM
y were glow in the dark condoms invented?
so gays could play star wars!!!!!!!

nice joke that made me laff!

Gone_AwayUK
04-01-2005, 09:52 AM
My best friend has a very large family. When I asked him how it got so big, he said his dad was alergic to rubber.

Noodles is gay
04-01-2005, 10:00 AM
How is this related to the Offspring?

Why did Hitler kill himself?


Got the gas bill :D

the SON of the SUN
04-01-2005, 10:09 AM
i dont remember annnyone but that is so good guys

voodoomagik
04-01-2005, 10:12 AM
How is this related to the Offspring?

Why did Hitler kill himself?


Got the gas bill :D
dude..kick ass joke....and by the way..i posted this here bcoz i dont care bout the opinion of the ppl that usually post on the general chat

Noodles is gay
04-01-2005, 10:41 AM
Fair enough reason.

A man was walking along the road and noticed a small boy wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles.
Smiling, the man said to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yes," the boy replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Noodles is gay
04-01-2005, 10:46 AM
Ok, so the pope is out in his popemobile doing his thing, spreading the word and advocating unity etc. when he sees a man in the sea being attacked by a shark. He gets his driver to stop and gets out and then notices that two men have saved the man being attacked by killing the shark.

The victim has on a t-shirt saying "Al-Quaeda Forever" and the two rescuers have on t-shirts saying "Remember 9/11". Seeing this, the pope is overjoyed that even in the present situation human nature can cross boundaries and gives all three men a long speech and his blessings before hurrying back to his popemobile and heading off.

After the pope has left the first rescuer says "who the hell was that??"
The second one replies, "I don't know, but he sure as hell doesn't know much about shark fishing"

medi01
09-27-2008, 11:43 AM
Whats the difference between a porsche and a hedgehog?

A hedgehog has its pricks on the outside

Free?
09-27-2008, 12:31 PM
General Offspring Discussion. *cough cough*.

Rutegard
09-27-2008, 12:49 PM
General Offspring Discussion. *cough cough*.

unfortunatly i have to agree with this...

Gustavo
09-28-2008, 07:16 AM
Ok...
Why the hell is a jokes thread in the General Offspring Discussion section?

holland25
09-28-2008, 11:21 AM
General Offspring Discussion. *cough cough*.

Feck off, it's MY job to do this.

F@ BANKZ
09-28-2008, 11:49 AM
Am I late?

GC for GOD's sake!

jacknife737
09-28-2008, 11:53 AM
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

F@ BANKZ
09-28-2008, 11:56 AM
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

I 's loling / I lol'd

holland25
09-28-2008, 11:58 AM
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

Let dff_punk be.

Jakebert
09-28-2008, 12:24 PM
I got one:

Equal rights for minorities and women.

Cock Joke
09-28-2008, 12:35 PM
Dexter Holland walks into a piercing place to get his genitals pierced. He says, "Ya gotta keep 'em separated!"

dff_punk
09-28-2008, 01:22 PM
Let dff_punk be.

Umm.. yeeeaaah???!!

mrconeman
09-28-2008, 01:56 PM
A man walks into a pub.
He is an alcoholic whose drinking problem is destroying his family.

This is absolutely glorius.

coke_a_holic
09-28-2008, 02:31 PM
Did you hear the one about the blonde who jumped off a bridge?

She was suicidally depressed.

the_real_potomek
09-28-2008, 03:29 PM
an egg comes to the stomach and stands in the right. than comes tomato and stands in the left. than comes cheese and stands in the middle. than comes vodka and says: hey, we're coming back,there's a party at the top:D

F@ BANKZ
09-28-2008, 03:40 PM
I heard a good Jimmy Carr joke the other day...

Jakebert
09-28-2008, 03:58 PM
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"

Desperado
09-28-2008, 04:18 PM
I fucking hate anti-jokes. They're just not funny at all, not even in their irony.

jacknife737
09-28-2008, 04:30 PM
I fucking hate anti-jokes. They're just not funny at all, not even in their irony.

Oh yeah, well your momma's so fat, she eats too much and doesn't get proper exercise.

randman21
09-28-2008, 04:50 PM
Haha, I think I love anti-jokes.

I was going to give a sarcastic congrats to moving this after 3 1/2 years, but I think this one predates mods.

Lizardus
09-28-2008, 05:53 PM
I think it's called meta humor.

So, the other day i walked into a bar and a guy asks me "Are you ok?".

Cock Joke
09-28-2008, 05:59 PM
Bill and Lance walk into a bar, get killed, and come back about 3 seconds later.

dff_punk
09-28-2008, 06:01 PM
A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar. When the barkeep sees them, he says: "Oh my God, this must be some kind of joke!"

randman21
09-29-2008, 01:33 AM
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To get to the other side.

F@ BANKZ
09-29-2008, 09:20 AM
A duck walks into a 7-11 and says "Give me some chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. THe employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need chapstick anyway, since he has no lips.

A priest, a rabbi, and a buddhist monk walk into a bar, sit at the end and start having some drinks. Two hours later, they come out with a better understanding of each other and a mutual respect, the beginnings of a friendship that last a lifetime.

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor?
"Where's my tractor?"

I remember when you made a thread about anti-jokes (caught?) and I hated the vast majority, but these (minus the first, which is still bad) have swayed me young Jakebert.

disclaimer_07
09-29-2008, 09:40 AM
So here goes a gross one, I read it online some time ago and everyone so far lol'd when I told them:

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

EDIT: Yeah, it's better when you can show that.

Andy
09-29-2008, 02:22 PM
Dave and Steve go to a fair. They see one of those Bucking Bronco bull-riding games and decide to give it a go. Dave goes first and lasts about 15-seconds before he is thrown off onto his arse, and Steve goes next, but lasts a good two minutes before the baffled game operator slows it down. The game operator was so impressed by this performance that he invites Steve back on for another go, determined to beat him.

The game operator is giving his best, turning the game all the way to it's highest level of 10. The bull is chucking steve around like anything, giving the absolute business, but Steve will not fall off. After five minutes, the operator finally admits defeat and turns the bull off. "Bloody hell, Steve!" Says Dave, "How in the name of God did you manage to last that long on that bull?!" "Easy" said Steve, "My wife's epileptic".

Yup.

mrconeman
09-29-2008, 03:11 PM
That joke would end so much better with Steve saying "My boyfriend's epileptic."

Jules69
09-29-2008, 06:36 PM
Here is a good one!! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL1V5256hV4