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JoY
04-02-2005, 05:29 AM
I -know- this is a rather emo thread. I know you're not really interested in how I feel. & I KNOW I shouldn't share feelings on public message boards anyway.

BUT.. do you ever find yourself talking with someone, you find really interesting, & then suddenly become aware of how completely UNinteresting you really are, to just shut up & nod at whatever the other says?

I can't be interesting on command. I don't suddenly become interesting under pressure, though sometimes alcohol helps a little. I guess I'm just not.. interesting.

& sometimes, when talking to one of those priceless cookies, who're just clever, witty & humorous, colourful persons overal, I just want to shoot myself for saying something & taking even one second away of precious time -they- could've made a mindblowing comment.

wheelchairman
04-02-2005, 05:35 AM
I can't say that I ever have that feeling. AND I can say that you certanily have no need to have that feeling. You are interesting.

Hysteria
04-02-2005, 05:38 AM
Yes, I've had that feeling a couple of times before. Not for a long time though.

Punky Dudess
04-02-2005, 05:41 AM
hmmm, i guess i did have that feeling at one point. That was the time i went through a BAD patch with my friends and family. they'd all look at me like some weirdo and carry on what they were doing. :eek: i got through when Chris told me that i didn't need their respect. (chris is full of useful information!)

JoY
04-02-2005, 05:49 AM
I can't say that I ever have that feeling. AND I can say that you certanily have no need to have that feeling. You are interesting.
thank you Schweets. even though I really don't see how.

the_GoDdEsS
04-02-2005, 05:50 AM
I agree, it can be intimidating. I either start admiring the person completely and wanting to learn from them or then end up being unhappy about me not being able to have that charm. (EDIT: I used to.) But you know, charm is relative too. And everyone has their own.

Sometimes you get so overwhelmed and the person leaves such a good first impression. But the question is can they keep it up? I know it's thrilling to meet people like that. On the other hand first impressions aren't everything. Sometimes there's so much to discover about people who don't stand out that much.

Also it's a way of finding out who you are when you relate yourself to other people. You can define yourself through understanding others and differentiating yourself from them. And the worst thing we can do is feeling sorry we're not like them. Wrong, in many perspectives they are not like us. It's a fight. And it's there all the time even if you think you've already accepted yourself the way you are. Sometimes it can encourage you to work on yourself to gain those qualities but the mistake people do is working on themselves and actually against themselves at the same time. You can't be someone you're not. And you're a unique piece of diversity in unity (my favourite Nietzsche rip off).


And just to conclude: Your threads are better than 99% of the stuff created on here. I love how observing you are and how you present that in your posts.

JoY
04-02-2005, 06:20 AM
*kisses Sim on the cheek*
you made excellent points, you know that Simness.

you know? *looks down* sometimes it's not just a first impression, that intimidates me in that way. (though I never would've chosen the word 'intimidation' for this myself, I guess it fits the situation) my life is pretty simple right now. I study medicine, I suck at it, because I'm most likely still too immature. I play the violin in a band, but I'll never musically grow, because I haven't been able to find the discipline to get a single lesson in eight years. I have a boyfriend who I live with & aside from a VERY occasional dinner or rented video, we mostly watch television, while drinking too much wine, because it makes us horny. this is my life.

sometimes I'm talking with friends, who are successful in medicine, or who have finished the conservatory, who have jobs besides their studies, who drive hours to see their 'partners' (don't you just hate that word?) every day & make every minute with them an adventure... who flirt with life. who let life know they want it & they want it bad.

the problem is.. I used to be that girl. when talking with friends, I used to be the one thinking; "how can matters like your boyfriend's latest jeans possibly interest you?" my life used to be complicated. very complicated. with my help mostly, but complicated nontheless. & it used to make me think. it challenged me emotionally. & at the point everything seemed to fall apart, I worked so so hard to keep it all together & to make something of it again. to get into med school & to get that boyfriend. maybe I just need a WHOLE bunch of problems to stimulate me to make something of life again.


Edit: I somewhat hate the way it's all about me again. I hate the way I turn my uninteresting stuff into big ass essays. I hate the way I always get to personal, when really no one gives a flying fuck. so sorry. but either way, if someone recognises the feeling, I'd still love to hear all about it.

Tizzalicious
04-02-2005, 06:20 AM
Yes! I do. Or I get the feeling they know a lot about a lot of things and I feel so clueless and stupid.

voodoomagik
04-02-2005, 06:34 AM
that's not necesarly true!!...we all have good and bad times...it's all just by the way you look at things..all is relative...some ppl that u find interesting and special don't have the same apeal to other ppl for example...that's the way things go...ur bf for example is completly special to you..u like his smile..the way he thinks things over..and stuff like that,bla bla..but other persons dont see in him nothin else but a nameless dude...

JoY
04-02-2005, 06:37 AM
Yes! I do. Or I get the feeling they know a lot about a lot of things and I feel so clueless and stupid.
I have that exact same thing, too. it's different than with people, who're are generally overal just awesome, but it's about just as frustrating.

some people I know can listen to any classical song & say what symphony it is, by who & from which time. I've never particularly cared about this, but it seems like *my* area, something *I* should know & I just.. don't know.
Moonlight Sonata? fine. Beethoven the Fifth? peachy. Flight of the Bumblebee? can live with that. but the second symphony in E by Bruch, or whatever? no, I couldn't recognise that, when I hear it. I can't sing it, when I think of the name. & some people, who don't particularly do anything that has to do with music, just KNOW these kind of things. & they always expect me to know them too. & it makes me feel dumb.

the same goes for medicine. people ask me all kinds of things ("I don't feel very well. I've got this, this, that, this, that, so.. what do you think I have?", or "they gave me a plastic hip. how long will I be able to walk with that?") & just don't realise I don't know everything I SHOULD know.

or when it comes to something as simple as the news... oh boy..

*sigh*

the_GoDdEsS
04-02-2005, 06:59 AM
Aww, Bella. <3 You haven't even finished studying yet. Don't let it drag you down that you can't answer people's questions. You're not an experienced doctor yet, you're a student who's working on getting there. And I'm sure you don't suck at it. For how long have you been studying now? I still think the first three years at uni you can't be an expert yet. You might know stuff here and there but it's like completing a huge puzzle. I'm graduating now and it's only now that I feel I really seem to know stuff in my area and yet I can't know everything no matter how much I'd like to.
Maybe it's just striving for a perfect yourself. I know. I wish I could change so many things about myself for the better, I've had a hard time accepting myself the way I am too, and I still would love to know everything in life.

Don't compare yourself with other people. They're not you and you're not them. You've lived a different life, you've learned different things and that makes you exceptional. You probably have no idea how many people look up to you and admire you too. No one usually knows that until you reach the point where you realize that you're not that bad after all.

And do you play the violin because you only want to musically grow or because it's a passion for you and a thing you really happen to like and makes you grow spiritually/personally. You don't have to worry about being a perfect professional as long as it's making you happy doing it. Just enjoy it and don't worry about it. Let go. I'm sure you're talented. Don't force yourself. It'll develop naturally. Oh my, this is starting to be about patience and I so don't have that either. =)

You have a boyfriend who loves you and whom you love. Again, don't compare your relationship to other relationships as long as yours is happy and fullfilling in its own little way. That way you'll only end up looking for non-existent faults. Unless you're not content with it.

See, you said it yourself that you've made something out of your life even if it seemed to be falling apart. And that's something. I don't think YOU should worry about being uninteresting, just like Per said. You're a brilliant girl, observing, full of insight, caring and funny. And honestly, there's much about you to admire and learn from. *e-lurves*

Vera
04-02-2005, 07:02 AM
Say it with me: I may not be cool, but my opinion matters, as well.

Honestly, though, I think we all feel like that in certain company. But conversation is conversation. Even if I haven't got anything very intelligent or profound to say, I still feel like I have to say something in order to keep the conversation going.

You can't be in on everything. In fact, it's hard to be in on a lot of things. Some people have a way of sounding like they know more than they actually do. That's talent but it doesn't necessarily make anyone smarter.

the_GoDdEsS
04-02-2005, 07:07 AM
You can't be in on everything. In fact, it's hard to be in on a lot of things. Some people have a way of sounding like they know more than they actually do. That's talent but it doesn't necessarily make anyone smarter.

Wheee, I second that. =)

JoY
04-02-2005, 07:20 AM
*jumps Sim*

seriously, you've just brightened my day. you make perfect sense. je t'aime, miss. <33


Sanni - *grins*
I wholeheartly agree. I guess you just set different standards for yourself.

the_GoDdEsS
04-02-2005, 07:29 AM
*jumps back*

I'm glad if it helped at least a wee tiny bit. *blushes* <33

Inshane
04-02-2005, 08:46 AM
I never really had that feeling but I can imagine how it would feel. Its something close what Im often thinking/feel insecure about.

I used to be this enthousiastic, open, happy, kind of girl, simply because I could be. When I got sick everthing changed including myself. Because of that disease I had to go from vwo to havo. and im not even able to finish the havo. I always thought (now wished) I could be the normal student. Since im not (anymore) Im questioning everything about knowledge.

I dont want to be arrogant but a lot of people that do finish school are able to tell you all the facts. but they did not experience one single thing. Often those -interresting- people whom you are talking about, know a lot. Yes. But do they also know the feeling behind all those great stories and do they really understand what they learned. they just quote books and not their own opinions.Its weird but Im thankfull Ive been through a lot of shit so I know that life can be cruel and unfair. really felt it and not just know it.

I dont know how I know this but you seem to gone through a lot aswell. You did experience the difficult side of life. And I know that is hard but its also nice to know that you really felt. felt living from another perspective than just what everybody or anyone tells you what life is or should be. and isnt that worth a lot aswell? btw. you dont come across as uninteressting at all.

Betty
04-02-2005, 09:05 AM
Bella, I always read what you write and thing "wow, yup, check that, check that". It is all exactly right.

Fairly recently I came to a realization. I have pretty high standards when it comes to people that I'd like to really be friends with and get to know. And generally it comes down to them being intelligent, funny, and incredibly interesting. I find some of these people amazing and I just want to be around them more because they are great. But THEN I thought, wait a second, I have such high standards for these people, but do I even come close to meeting their standards? How can I want to be friends with these incredibly interesting and charismatic people when I am not very interesting myself? And that was a pretty depressing thought. I have some redeeming qualities sure. Intelligent, sense of humour but only mildly funny myself, and I sometimes have an interesting thought or two. But I am misinformed about the world. My wit is weak at best. I cannot at all get up and tell a good story or joke.

Anyway, I know where you're coming from. And it's easy to rationalize why you shouldn't feel that way, but since I DO feel that way, I know that rationalization only helps so much. But it's not something that devastates me, it gives me motivation to work on my personality, and then I can just hope that other people find stuff in me that they especially like so that they want to be in my company.

You've made so many other points too. Not progressing in education. I feel like I'm progressing... but I talked about it with a friend last night... and it's just not CONNECTING yet. So just because you can answer random questions (I get that a lot) it doesn't mean you don't know, it just means you haven't connected it all together yet. Which takes time.

And about your life being boring compared to others? Well, my life sucks so I can't help... haha. Everybody's got exciting times and ruts, so just pump yourself up for the next exciting time. It will happen. I hope my summer will be much more exciting. And boring relationships? Yup... watching TV with beer sounds familiar. Makes me tired, not horny though. I think there might be a difference if you LIVE with your boyfriend though, cause you just get so much more used to just hanging around and there's less pressure to be exciting. I DO want so much more excitement in my relationship though, but we'll see. Long distance will be starting soon.

Nina
04-02-2005, 09:11 AM
i'm too tired to overanalyze, so i'll just say:
i feel this way *all the time*.

JoY
04-02-2005, 09:54 AM
Nina (Inshane) - I do think you're making a very good point. I know a trumpetist, who knew everything about music. I mean, everyfuckingthing. but he couldn't play the trumpet well if his life depended on it. & in the end, what's in a name? especially if you don't -feel- what it's about?

I used to be careless. extremely careless, naive & bouncy. I lost that, or at least part of it, because basically life hit me in the face. but just to hold on to it all, I came up with this username three years ago. the username suits me pretty well again now, but in a different way. I encountered some shit, but I know how to live with it, understand things so much better now & am overal pretty happy despite everything.

I highly agree, that people who spend their life focussing on facts without living facts, never really grow up. I think a lot of high school students, diploma in their pocket or not, are still yet to discover what's out there. high school stuffs you with information, which is useless, until it's used in further life.

thanks for your insight chicka. & THANK you for saying you don't find me uninteresting. strange, but true; that -is- a comfort.=)


Betty -you understood my point exactly.

"Anyway, I know where you're coming from. And it's easy to rationalize why you shouldn't feel that way, but since I DO feel that way, I know that rationalization only helps so much."

true. I know my trap will still automatically shut, when I feel I'm around people, who have more interesting things to say than I have. but it's alright, I guess. it's probably healthy to be a bit insecure every now & then. like you said, it keeps you motivated to improve yourself.

info is useful, when you can put it to a use. it can be extremely frustrating to have it in the back of your head, somewhere, where you can't just pull it out at the right time & moment. in the right situation. you described it well, it doesn't fully connect yet. maybe last minute studying has got to do with it? *giggle*

relationships can become a drag & mine sometimes feels like one & I blame myself for it. it doesn't mean I love him any less, though. but a dinner or two in town doesn't change the feeling of it being drag. it -is- a bit complicated to live together, to see each other all the fucking time, when you're so young & so not ready to settle with anyone. I can't sit still well enough.
I'm so curious how the long distance thing will work out for you. pretty exciting changes. maybe scary too. keep me updated.

you really think that, reading my posts? aw yay, that brings a big fat smile to my face.


Nina - funny. because I consider you to be interesting. very interesting.

Betty
04-02-2005, 11:23 AM
Nina - funny. because I consider you to be interesting. very interesting.

And I'm sure that's what mostly everyone who read this post thinks about you too, Bella! It's kinda funny that you say that.

Faust
04-02-2005, 12:53 PM
I -know- this is a rather emo thread. I know you're not really interested in how I feel. & I KNOW I shouldn't share feelings on public message boards anyway.

BUT.. do you ever find yourself talking with someone, you find really interesting, & then suddenly become aware of how completely UNinteresting you really are, to just shut up & nod at whatever the other says?

I can't be interesting on command. I don't suddenly become interesting under pressure, though sometimes alcohol helps a little. I guess I'm just not.. interesting.

& sometimes, when talking to one of those priceless cookies, who're just clever, witty & humorous, colourful persons overal, I just want to shoot myself for saying something & taking even one second away of precious time -they- could've made a mindblowing comment.

I think we all have our "week moments" in everything. The "colourful" people are attrative and interesting only when they`re naturally like that. It`s easy to see through a person who`s merely trying to be something that he`s not, so it`s better to be not-so-interesting than acting interesting.
It is possible to motivate yourself being happier and more energetic and that kind of people are usully interesting.
"even the strongest have their weakest moments"

RXP
04-02-2005, 02:21 PM
I get that feeling alot when I'm around people who act like adults. Like 20 year olds who don't look or act like kids or make stupd jokes. But then I think fuck them and I'll be who I am.

JoY
04-02-2005, 06:35 PM
And I'm sure that's what mostly everyone who read this post thinks about you too, Bella! It's kinda funny that you say that.
stop. you're making me have lesbian tendencies.<3

(maybe I should add I drank a bit =p)