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Not Ozymandias
04-10-2005, 08:59 PM
http://www.4q.cc/vin/

I've decided to give you swine something else to live for.



For a period of time he was known as "The Scourge of Romania". He would stalk the countryside at night and eat the skin of still-living townsfolk. Ironically, this all happened just outside of Akron, Ohio.

Vin is actually short for Vinyl

Vin Diesel once sat on a Cactus plant. When asked how it felt he replied "Like the souls of a thousand men all suffered for my indulgence." He then shit out tiny 6 ATVs.

David Bowie's "Ziggy Stardust" alterego was actually based on someone Vin Diesel punched to death.

When Vin Diesel was a child, Charles Lee Ray entered the body of one of Vin's "Good Guy" dolls. The resulting events are the basis for The Godfather.

You can put down them razor blades now, kids!:):)

Endymion
04-10-2005, 09:01 PM
1) I lost my virginity to Shaq.
2) Shaq's favorite ice cream is mint chocolate chip.
3) Shaq drives a car like everyone else.
4) Shaq owns a nice house. I went there, I was like, "petty nice house ya got here, Shaq."
5) Shaq helps me with math.
6) Shaq can draw really well.
7) Shaq does a great impression of R2D2.
8) Shaq is allergic to mustard.
9) Shaq plays basketball.
10) Shaq doesn't like hip hop but is a huge fan of blues.
11) Shaq's father's name was not Kevin or Bill. It wasn't even Jacob.
12) Shaq does not play video games. he would much rather cuddle up in front of the warm fire with a good book.
13) Shaq isn't responsible for OJ Simpson's wife's death.
14) Shaq is not responsible for the sinking of the Titanic... but Marvin Gaye is.
15) Shaq's hobbies include dressing up as women, and hiding in trees.
16) Shaq gets mistaken for Wolverine a lot. Cut that shit out. He isn't Wolverine.
17) sometimes when Shaq gets bored, he'll invite some friends over and play a game of Pictionary.
18) Shaq only eats turkey on thanksgiving. Then he watches the parade on TV.
19) Shaq has never performed oral sex on Barbara Bush. It was a vicious rumor started by none other than Dennis Rodman and Sylvester Stallone.
20) Shaq was a grade a gymnastics student in high school. He also liked modern dance
21) Shaq has mild Arthiritus in his left kneecap.
22) Shaq keeps a garden gnome in his bedside drawer.
23) For the record: Shaq was never in favor of World War I.
24) Shaq did not once try to fart on Gary Coleman's head. Nor was it ever a rumor.
25) Shaq keeps a livejournal. He is close friends with lakerz86 and manwomanprobably94.
26) Shaq loved the Simpsons Butterfinger commercials, and owns them all on recorded Betamax.
27) Shaq once put coffee granules under running water, squashed them into cubes and sold them to his teammates as illegal substances. Boy were they ever mad?
28) Shaq is not in favor of racial slurs. Except for, 'chink.'
29) Shaq used to idolize Michael J. Fox. That is, until Michael got Parkinsons. Shaq thinks he is just "alright" now.
30) Shaq demands a refund for that chicken sandwich he got at Burger King the other day. Give the man his money, you mother fuckers. It had a hair on it.
31) When Shaq dies, a bomb will destroy Tokyo.
32) Shaq doesn't believe in god. He says it's a "stupid idea."
33) Shaq thought Mortal Kombat was good, but Virtua Fighter made it look like the AIDS virus.
34) Shaq came over to my pool party. He was like, "check out this back flip" but did a bellyflop. We were kinda concerned for him, but when he came back to the surface he was like, "I'm okay guys." Boy were we relieved.
35) Along with the miracle of life known as 'Shaq', immediately after, his mother also squeezed out a polish sausage sandwich and a telephone.
36) Shaq finds midgets to be 'completely unnecessary.'
37) Shaq was backstage at Good Charlotte's last concert. He knows they're not punk, but he doesn't care.
38) Shaq scored 10,000,000 points on Time Crisis 3 in a recent arcade visit.
39) Shaq eats terrorism for lunch with a side order of holocaust.
40) Shaq wants Macaulay Culkin to star in a movie about bears with him.
41) Shaq thought Ghost Ship was a good movie.
42) Shaq wants to fight Hugo Weaving.
43) Shaq coined the phrase, 'Hey. Get outta heeah.' It was during a game of Scrabble.
44) Shaq does AIDS.
45) Shaq's sperm are the size of catfish and have been known to eat mice.
46) Shaq is half human, half Hepatitus B.
47) Shaq owns 700 acres of the moon. He bought it on the internet.
48) Shaq fishes with a spear, but instead of a usual spearhead, he uses a living fetus.
49) Shaq has the world's biggest collection of micro machines. He claims that his micro machines compensate for the fact that he's such a large man. But then realizes that he has the largest collection in the world. Once he does in fact realize this, he will get so angry that he will go out and kill a hobo, exclaiming "I am a freak!"
50) Shaq fails to see the need for orphans.
51) Shaq has been led to believe that the Constitution of the United States was written by Tony Hawk.
52) Shaq is actually two stealth jets welded together.
53) Shaq has spaghetti for pubic hair.
54) Shaq is the cure for cancer.
55) Shaq has laser vision. He uses it to toast bagels
56) Shaq showers in Korean pee.
57) Shaq finds "Oh henry" bars mildly offensive.
58) Shaq lives on his own feces.
59) Shaq was kicked out of a club recently for dressing like a Nazi.
60) Shaq was once taking a morning shower and looked down to find that at some point during the night, one of his testicles had eaten the other. Needless to say, he was surprised.
61) Shaq wanted his own personal jet, but had to settle for a ford.
62) Shaq conducts electricity.
63) Shaq once overdosed on a pot of mustard after challenging Rosie O'Donnell to a condiment drinking race. He died for 7 seconds.
64) If Shaq had a clone, and they both stood on the same side of the United States and simultaneously started jumping up and down, the country would flip over.
65) Shaq paints pictures of the holocaust.
66) Shaq's ass hair is cut every week and sold to high school cafeterias across the globe. No one really knows why.
67) Shaq once gave a handjob for a copy of Splinter Cell on PS2. (Best Buy was closed.)
68) Shaq auditioned for Naomi Watts' part in The Ring.
69) Shaq has written in his will that when he dies he wants his body to be launched from a cannon into a wall of empty soda cans. He thinks it'll 'look awesome'.
70) Shaq drinks soda a bit differently than you or I. He puts it in the freezer, once its good and frozen, he uses it as a weapon to kill Muslims.
71) Shaq once walked into a night club and demanded they give him a happy meal.
72) Shaq once slipped seven chillies into Barry White's coffee. Barry White died minutes after. Shaq still remains innocent until proven guilty.
73) Shaq's audition for Schindler in Schindler's List went as follows: he walked in, he sat on the chair, he downed a can of E-Z Cheese, then blew it out of his nose. Spielberg responded with, "We'll let you know." To this day, Shaq still thinks he did alright.

Not Ozymandias
04-10-2005, 09:02 PM
Pfft, there are WAY more Vin Diesel facts. :)

nieh
04-10-2005, 09:03 PM
random actual fact about Vin Diesel that I learned by watching Conan: he's a fan of Dungeons and Dragons and has his character's name tattooed on him.

Not Ozymandias
04-10-2005, 09:05 PM
Vin Diesel ended World War II by calling Hitler in his bunker and demanding that he kill himself.

dirtybird
04-10-2005, 09:08 PM
Despite his rugged, masculine looks; Vin Diesel is actually a woman.

A cross dresser?

Not Ozymandias
04-10-2005, 10:15 PM
A 15 minute rap battle between Diesel's character and Adolf Hitler was also cut before the final release of The Pacifier.

Not Ozymandias
04-10-2005, 10:19 PM
Vin Diesel discovered the Question to Life, the Universe and Everything one morning while sitting in the bathtub, but elected not to reveal it so as not to ruin the suspense for Douglas Adams fans.

ninth
04-10-2005, 11:44 PM
random actual fact about Vin Diesel that I learned by watching Conan: he's a fan of Dungeons and Dragons and has his character's name tattooed on him.
It's like Melcore or Malcore or something, from what I've heard.

RedSlayer
04-11-2005, 12:07 AM
Vin Diesel is over 3200 years old.

Renegade6
04-11-2005, 12:11 AM
Vin Diesel feasts on the blood of little children to gain more power.

Not Ozymandias
04-11-2005, 09:40 PM
*sighs*
I hate you people.

Endymion
04-11-2005, 09:42 PM
i bookmarked it.
http://www.csulb.edu/%7Erjames/iloveyou.jpg

Endymion
04-11-2005, 11:21 PM
Vin Diesel implores you to remember the Alamo, because he would rather forget that night.

Vera
04-12-2005, 03:00 AM
Way to go, Vin.

I actually called his answering machine when his number got out and told him I think it's great he didn't do xXx 2 but sad that they did it without him.

RXP
04-12-2005, 03:01 AM
Vin's got a fucking awesome body.

Mota Boy
04-12-2005, 07:58 AM
Vin Diesel claims to have been Teddy Roosevelt in a past life. Not the former President Teddy Roosevelt, the Kansas City dry goods merchant Teddy Roosevelt. He claims the name is just a coincidence.

Mannen som blev en gris
04-12-2005, 08:03 AM
I have a girl in my class who looks like Vin Disel......

RXP
04-12-2005, 09:26 AM
Does she have pecs, six pack and a shaven head?

burning-the-high-life
04-12-2005, 09:32 AM
Does she have pecs, six pack and a shaven head?

that would be weird and a little scary

Mannen som blev en gris
04-12-2005, 09:44 AM
No....she's a bit of a goth. From Greece. But if you'd remove the hair and take a picture of her smiling, and one of Vin Diesel smiling, they would look about the same. I think I'm the only one who thinks so though.

Not Ozymandias
04-12-2005, 11:58 PM
Thank you for your patronage.


Vin Diesel is actually five men, all of whom share the same soul. If any one of them ever comes face to face with another, they are required by the laws of fate to totally rock the fuck out. The last time this cosmic event occurred, Atlantis sank beneath the sea forever. It was worth it.

Vin Diesel can solve a rubik's cube in 6.7 seconds.

Sean Connery is the only person to ever beat Vin Diesel in a staring contest.

Psalm 23 literally reads: Vin Diesel.

Vin Diesel once got in a fistfight with his butcher over whether or not he could borrow the deli-slicer for recreational purposes.

Vin Diesel is in constant contact with the leaders of worlds from every corner of the universe. They consider him the leader of Earth. He was awarded Milky Way leader of the year in 1993 in a lavish ceremony.

Sliced bread is the best thing since Vin Diesel.

TheUnholyNightbringer
04-13-2005, 04:58 AM
Vin Diesel discovered the Question to Life, the Universe and Everything one morning while sitting in the bathtub, but elected not to reveal it so as not to ruin the suspense for Douglas Adams fans.

My God, that was funny. :D

Endymion
04-14-2005, 12:52 AM
haha, a physics one... and fairly funny too!

Vin Diesel is made entirely of second-generation particles, which may explain his strange charm.

sKratch
04-14-2005, 05:19 AM
Ooh I get it. If it's a quark joke...

Endymion
04-14-2005, 09:47 AM
yeah... quarks

HornyPope
04-14-2005, 01:50 PM
Maybe you guys will appriciate this one:

http://www.dfw.com/multimedia/dfw/news/FWslideshows/911/shoot.html

ninth
04-14-2005, 02:49 PM
Vin Diesel's scrotum was torn off by an angry tyrannosaurus on his last expedition to Africa in 1984. It was replaced by skin from the tyrannosaurus' leg, which Vin ripped off with his bare hands, and his testicles were replaced by radioactive remains from Fat Man and Little Boy, the bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Nagasaki. This also explains why Japanese people are extremely anxious around him.
Too fucking much.

Mota Boy
04-14-2005, 03:02 PM
Maybe you guys will appriciate this one:

http://www.dfw.com/multimedia/dfw/news/FWslideshows/911/shoot.html
And if you liked that... (http://www.snopes.com/crime/cops/burger.asp)

HornyPope
04-15-2005, 02:11 AM
I'll have to take off points for 'Undetermined' status, but the content is indeed quite amusing.

HornyPope
04-18-2005, 08:43 PM
'Nuff said.

http://www.uncyclopedia.org/uncyclopedia/images/b/b6/Vin-israel.jpg


Cries of heart broken agony echo from Ozy's corner.

Nicole
04-18-2005, 11:00 PM
And Vin Diesel so loved the world, that he gave it his only son: Superman.

Vin Diesel is a mathematical impossibility.

This is too weird.

Jew.

Mota Boy
05-01-2005, 08:31 PM
I don't think that these types of things are all that particularly clever. To prove my point, I got drunk a while ago and decided to try my own.

Mota Boy Facts

Mota Boy won South Vietnam from Ho Chi Minh in a 1968 poker game, but promptly lost it to Stalin in a "double or nothing" bet. When Mota Boy found out in 1981 that Stalin cheated, he was so angry he shot the Pope.

Mota Boy is a world-class dancer at every dance in the world except for Riverdancing, which he thinks is "kinda gay".

Through stock investments made in grade school, Mota Boy has become the seventh wealthiest man in Arkansas, worth forty-three thousand dollars.

Mota Boy once spent seventeen months developing the strongest toes in the world before he learned that there was no competition.

Whenever a member of Slipknot gets sick, Mota Boy puts on their mask and fills in for them for a show. Sometimes, he subs for two members simultaneously. This has never been explained.

Mota Boy has 3000 times the titanium of the average human, at .0000078%.

Every year, Mota Boy leaves a dozen long-stemmed roses on Princess Diana's grave. He refuses to talk about it.

Mota Boy was once clinically dead for seven minutes as a child. He claims to have met Jesus, who told him that his lucky numbers were 17-43-11-8-62 and 9.

You are a figment of Mota Boy's imagination.

According to the Federal Government, Mota Boy does not officially exist. For tax reasons, Mota Boy does not dispute this.

Mota Boy is a direct decendant of Genghis Khan, King Soloman, Muhammad, Sidhartha, Alexander the Great, Scorpio and Jesus, but he cannot tell his maternal grandfather, since none of them are white enough.

It is estimated that as much as 20% of all sperm in U.S. sperm banks is due to Mota Boy. This is from his one visit in 2001.

HornyPope
05-01-2005, 09:00 PM
These ruls. I'll be stealing some of those and spreading around as my own. Thank you.


EDIT: I wasn't really serious about 'stealing it', but I will probably insert one of the lines somewhere in a joke at one point of time.

Not Ozymandias
05-01-2005, 10:45 PM
'Nuff said.

http://www.uncyclopedia.org/uncyclopedia/images/b/b6/Vin-israel.jpg


Cries of heart broken agony echo from Ozy's corner.
My cock just became an innie :(

Not Ozymandias
05-30-2005, 11:51 PM
"Win Ben Stein's Money" was taken off the air after Vin Diesel won all of Ben Stein's money.

sKratch
05-31-2005, 12:14 AM
Vin Diesel defeated MacGyver in an abstract painting competition by lulling him to sleep with a German folk song.

Vera
05-31-2005, 02:01 AM
I can actually imagine that.

Poor Mac.

Not Ozymandias
05-31-2005, 05:30 AM
Vin Diesel challenged Evander Holyfield to a boxing match, only to bite off his other ear. When asked why, Diesel responded, "I like ear."

One of Vin Diesel's favorite sources of amusement is to call up the White House five minutes before a press briefing, speak the word "BOOBIES!" into the telephone, then hang up.

If you pay close attention to the background of Zoolander, you can see Vin Diesel hog-tying a blue whale through an aquarium window.

Vin did a GEICO commercial in which he can be seen smiling and drinking a strawberry smoothie. The voice-over then says, "In the time it takes to sodomize and murder a family of four, you can save 15% or more on your car insurance."

While the telephone was actually invented by Vin Diesel, he traded the bragging rights and patent to Alexander G. Bell after losing a bet with him over who could drink the most molasses in five minutes.

HornyPope
05-31-2005, 01:39 PM
A socond (slightly more-sober, i think) observation left me thinking perhaps Mota's submissions weren't funny after all.

Endymion
05-31-2005, 01:58 PM
Vin Diesel recieves mail on Sundays.

Vin Diesel was the cab driver who had dice in the mirror in the opening credits of "Fresh Prince Of Belle-Air".

ninth
05-31-2005, 02:00 PM
Vin Diesel removed the word victory from the French language after conquering France in 6 hours using only a salad fork. During the campaign, all French deodorant manufacturing plants were destroyed.

sKratch
05-31-2005, 02:12 PM
Vin Diesel once ate nothing but toothbrushes for a month. It is believed that several anomolies are strongly related to this, including cats always landing on their feet.

Vin Diesel can ejaculate onto a penny from 500 yards without the use of a scope.

Vin Diesel's mother ascended into heaven moments before she would have been trampled by three mastadons. To this day Vin hates mastadons.

sKratch
11-10-2005, 02:18 PM
I just remembered this thread exists and it is good.

Jebus
11-11-2005, 08:02 PM
Some of the Chuck Norris facts are great.


Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris doesnt see dead people. He makes people dead

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.