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ANeWLiFE
04-18-2005, 01:04 PM
Ok, I need some help. Last year around October, my boyfriend and me broke up. It hurt me so bad. He told me the reason why he broke up with me is because he was graduating in May and he couldn’t see me as much as he wants too. But what hurt me the most was when I called a month later to talk to him and he was going out with my best friend. And he also told me friend Amy that he was breaking up with me and she told me. Well, I figured out why he broke up with me. It was because I wouldn’t have sex with him. At the beginning of March, we started talking again. I felt like I had to tell him why I wouldn’t have sex with him. Well, I called him bawling my eyes out. He immediately stopped talking to his sister and asked me what was wrong. I told him everything. I told him the reason why I wouldn’t have sex with him was because I was raped when I was four by my best friends dad. He assured me that was not having sex with him wasn’t the reason why he broke up with me. In the middle of March, I call his sister. He picked up the phone. He said, “hey you!” I was like, “ hi…” then he said, “Hey, wanna come spend the weekend with me?” I said, “I don’t think it would be right if I did. Emmie would get upset if she found out.” Then he said, “She doesn’t have to know.” I said no and he hung up. Well, that weekend, he went t and spent the night at his cousin’s house. I spent the night with his sister. I walked into his room and all the letters I ever wrote him were on his wall, pinned up so he could read them whenever he wanted to. Well, the next morning, courtny and me woke up and went and sat out front. About 10 minutes later, Billy and his cousin drove up. He looked surprised to see me. Billy and me talked all day. We even got high together like we used to do. It was like we were still going out. Every time his girlfriend called him, he would make me answer the phone and tell her that he wasn’t home. She finally got mad and started cussing me out. Then I hung up. His sister and me went to spend the night at his aunt’s house. After everyone went into the house, he called me back to the car. He told me the reason why he wanted me to spend the weekend was because he missed a lot. Well, he asked me if he could have my napoleon dynamite DVD because I hate it. I said yeah, well I went home. A few days ago, I asked his I\sister to let me talk to him to find out when he wanted his movie. We talked for about an hour. Then I sighed. It was like a flirty sigh. He asked me what was wrong. I said nothing. The he said, “Bonny! Don’t make me get it out of you!” he used to call me bonny when we were going out. I told him how I missed him and he was like “it doesn’t have to be this way anymore, you don’t have to feel bad and cry all of the time. I miss you so much.” He sounded like he was crying. I am scared if I go back out with him that he would want to have sex with me. I am so self-conscious. I don’t know what to do. I want to feel good about my self but no matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t help… I just want o die and then maybe I no body will have to worry about what I look like… I don’t know what to do…Does anybody have some good advice on how to make me stay positive about my self?

Noodles is gay
04-18-2005, 01:12 PM
you had a boyfriend at 14! :eek:

damn kids these days, in my day....



not a clue dear, sorry - i'm not the most confident person though so i won't be able to help :o

the_GoDdEsS
04-18-2005, 01:13 PM
Well, at your age it is rather normal to feel self-conscious. Everyone has issues with self-esteem and insecurities. I guess the traumatizing experience from childhood adds up to it. If you were serious about it. Ever visited a psychologist?

Also you shouldn't totally fix yourself on one person. If he really likes you he'll want to spend time with you again and leave his current girl. But if you're vulnerable, never trust anyone too much. If you're not over yourself and your own difficult issues I wouldn't recommend starting a relationship. They might make you happy for a while but in the end might make things even worse when they end. I'm sure you already know that. Plus, don't let people pressure you into sex.
Deal with your own issues first before starting a relationship. Because how do you want to love someone when you don't love and accept yourself enough? It's always harder like that.

ruroken
04-18-2005, 01:14 PM
Holy shit that was long...
I'm self concious and I don't think it makes a difference. Just think about killing everyone and stay in your own world. The one without the killing though...

ANeWLiFE
04-18-2005, 01:15 PM
you had a boyfriend at 14! :eek:

damn kids these days, in my day....



not a clue dear, sorry - i'm not the most confident person though so i won't be able to help :o

i am 15 thank you alomost 16... thank anyways,.....

Jackish
04-18-2005, 01:17 PM
Hey that was quite an interesting read - It all sounds fairly complicated.

I don't know what I can give you advice on other than, your only young, remember - your life doesn't have to revolve around a boy, even if you feel right now it does, when your older your see it differently. Just do what you think is right. Never think about killing yourself, just imagine how everyone would feel if you did... If you did that you'd never have your boy, either!

On the self concious note...

Some advice.. Go shopping, buy some clothes that make you think, "Damn, i am hawt!!!!!1111111one", go out with friends as much as you can, and just do things that make you feel good.

Never mope! :)

Noodles is gay
04-18-2005, 01:19 PM
i am 15 thank you alomost 16... thank anyways,.....

yes i know - but you were only just 15 in august and you had probably been going out with him for longer than 2 months so i merely assumed since 14.

crazy_offspring_gal
04-18-2005, 01:22 PM
hi,
im kind of im the same situation as you,(well kind off)
last year my ex raped me because i wouldnt have sex with him cuase i wasnt ready,
he contatanly raped me when ever he need to,
i always refused an screamed 'no'
but he wouldnt listen,

i finally had the guts to end the relationship after 6months of being forced to have sex,
after i ended it i found out that he was cheating on me 2monthes into the relationship!
i was gutted and felt like killing myself, i started self harming quite bad, but i am over that now,

i met my new guy in january and we have been togther or 4moths now, and still havnt had sex, he even said that he would still have a relationship with me even if we didnt have sex, he means so much to me, he has helped me get over my ex, but i am very self consious about my body, after time i hope that i will not be self consious,

wheelchairman
04-18-2005, 01:23 PM
I'd recommend some form of councelling. But seeing as you live in Texas, it's probably a very expensive option for you, so not possible.

Otherwise, I would say that The Goddess is 100% correct, as usual.

Jackish
04-18-2005, 01:23 PM
hi,
im kind of im the same situation as you,(well kind off)
last year my ex raped me because i wouldnt have sex with him cuayse i wasnt ready,
he contatanly raped me when ever he need to,
i always refused an screamed 'no'
but he wouldnt listen,

i finally had the guts to end the relationship after 6months of being forced to have sex,
after i ended it i found out that he was cheating on my 2monthes into the relationship!
i was gutted and felt like killing myself, i started self harming quite bad, but i am over that now,

i met my new guy in january and we have been togther or 4moths now, and still havnt had sex, he even said that he would still have a relationship with me even if we didnt have sex, he means so much to me, he has helped me get over my ex, but i am very self consious about my body, after time i hope that i will not be self consious,

Woah dude, I feel for you.

Sounds like your new boyfriend is a much better guy though - I wish you luck with that!

JoY
04-18-2005, 01:24 PM
that's a long story you wrote there, girl. I amazed myself & read it all.

I understand the anonymity on the internet is quite.. liberating & that you feel you can say anything here, because no one really knows you anyway. still, prepare yourself, also for harsh comments, for sharing so much. you just put yourself in a pretty vulnerable position by saying you don't have much confidence & by sharing quite personal stuff, which people can easily take advantage of. just a word of advice from someone, who actually isn't particularly smart or sensible when it comes to this subject, but who's at least experienced a tiny bit.

no one can really help you gaining confidence. it's something you've got to do. I can imagine it doesn't feel right your boyfriend dumped you this way & now misses you & wants you back. don't give in too easy, chicka. he's got to deserve you. he has pulled you some crap & you've first got to realise you don't deserve such a treatment, before you ever get back to him. & he should realise it, too. let him know what you're worth. because even though you might feel right now like you aren't worth a lot, everyone is. whatever happened in your past doesn't have to influence the person who you are today negatively. it influences you, sure. but if you slowly at your own pace try to deal with things, I'm sure you can be anyone you want to be.

I really suck at these things. it's hard anyway, because I don't know you. it's even harder, because I'm not actually you, so I can't possibly ever judge the situation as well, as you can. just try to follow your heart, hold your head high, your chin up, & see where it gets you. you are the one that can make her own judgements on what's best best. (haha, got it? I used the same word twice in a row! & still the sentence makes sense!! I think..) & if it makes you feel any better, or stronger; half the planet is goddam insecure. that's mostly why people pull such stupid things.

crazy_offspring_gal
04-18-2005, 01:27 PM
Woah dude, I feel for you.

Sounds like your new boyfriend is a much better guy though - I wish you luck with that!
thanx :)
yea my guy treats me like i have never been treated like before, i do have to say i have true love for him (it sounds stupid as we have only been going out for 4months) but if feels like forever :)

ANeWLiFE
04-18-2005, 01:31 PM
yes i know - but you were only just 15 in august and you had probably been going out with him for longer than 2 months so i merely assumed since 14.

he asked me out the day after i turned 15 and we broke up 1 month and 26 days later... lol

Izie
04-18-2005, 01:31 PM
As much as I like giving out psychological advice, I'd reccomend professional help, if in any way possible.

You could try and solve your issues on your own, but you'd have to be extremely level-headed, prepared for all kinds of phases, and have an unbelievably strong will. I'd still go for the professionals, even if you do have all of these :/

JoY
04-18-2005, 01:32 PM
Plus, don't let people pressure you into sex.
I'll fully agree with that.
especially not at the age of 15. (you know "almost 16" doesn't really count) wtf? I sure as hell wasn't ready for sex at that age, so it isn't that unusual you wouldn't directly hop in the sack with him. you don't only have the issues from your past to work out, you have to be fully ready too. I mean, you could be ready, when you work out the things in your past, but it's also perfectly possible you won't even be ready then. you're still awfully young, you've got all the time in the world for things like sex. there's definitely no need for pressure.

JoY
04-18-2005, 01:43 PM
hi,
im kind of im the same situation as you,(well kind off)
last year my ex raped me because i wouldnt have sex with him cuase i wasnt ready,
he contatanly raped me when ever he need to,
i always refused an screamed 'no'
but he wouldnt listen,

i finally had the guts to end the relationship after 6months of being forced to have sex,
after i ended it i found out that he was cheating on me 2monthes into the relationship!
i was gutted and felt like killing myself, i started self harming quite bad, but i am over that now,

i met my new guy in january and we have been togther or 4moths now, and still havnt had sex, he even said that he would still have a relationship with me even if we didnt have sex, he means so much to me, he has helped me get over my ex, but i am very self consious about my body, after time i hope that i will not be self consious,
that's a horrible, horrible story. as nutty as I may sound right now; it's a natural reaction to be extremely insecure about yourself after such a thing, even to the point of hating your own guts. (which includes self-harming, drinking, low self esteem, strange sexual behaviour..) I pull this straight out of records & medical books, so it's only silly wisdom, I guess. even though, I know I found it comforting at one point, that things like that.. that it isn't just stupidity, but that it's a natural way of reacting. so don't beat yourself up about it. don't hate yourself for not reacting as perfectly as you could, because reactions come from emotions & everyone knows how imperfect they are.

it's good that you seem to be in a healthy relationship now. it doesn't erase all your problems though, mind you. (but I guess you already figured out so much) it's good that he's giving you time. time to pick up the pieces of yourself, so you can move on, possibly with him. take all the time you need, that's all I can say.

I'd make the worst psychologist. my answers & advices are always.. too damn easy.

the_GoDdEsS
04-18-2005, 01:46 PM
The point JoY made about the internet and anonymity is brilliant. This would be more of a post for an online diary or a special kind of forum. Just not on here because we like flaming people. Then again, you might reach some people who'll be nice to you. But it's always a risk.

crazy_offspring_gal
04-18-2005, 01:51 PM
that's a horrible, horrible story. as nutty as I may sound right now; it's a natural reaction to be extremely insecure about yourself after such a thing, even to the point of hating your own guts. (which includes self-harming, drinking, low self esteem, strange sexual behaviour..) I pull this straight out of records & medical books, so it's only silly wisdom, I guess. even though, I know I found it comforting at one point, that things like that.. that it isn't just stupidity, but that it's a natural way of reacting. so don't beat yourself up about it. don't hate yourself for not reacting as perfectly as you could, because reactions come from emotions & everyone knows how imperfect they are.

it's good that you seem to be in a healthy relationship now. it doesn't erase all your problems though, mind you. (but I guess you already figured out so much) it's good that he's giving you time. time to pick up the pieces of yourself, so you can move on, possibly with him. take all the time you need, that's all I can say.

I'd make the worst psychologist. my answers & advices are always.. too damn easy.
hay thanx hun :)
you do give really good advice! honestly!
:) im moving forward to the future and never going back to the past! :)

JoY
04-18-2005, 01:57 PM
hay thanx hun :)
you do give really good advice! honestly!
:) im moving forward to the future and never going back to the past! :)
you're welcome. =)

& thank you, too. ;D

if you get over the past, it doesn't influence you negatively anymore. I hope you've reached that state, or are on your way of reaching it. I thoroughly HATE the expression of "what doesn't kill you can only make you stronger", because when something severely goes wrong, it doesn't make you stronger at first at all. it makes you goddam weak even, so it seems. but if you get over crap, yeah, I guess then it *does* make you stronger, or at least a little bit wiser. *smile*