borderline personality disorder
I slowly came to realize that my particular brand of weirdness had a name. That name is borderline personality disorder. I never said it was a GOOD name. In fact nobody thinks it is a good name, but I digress.
So I have this. I know I have this. Yep, I self-diagnosed. Yeah, I know. Shut up. I went to the doctor so now it's official. I can wear the badge now and everything. Ok there's no badge. But maybe there should be. It might be helpful. I'm tempted to digress about my constant digressions at this point but any regret I display wouldn't be genuine. Let's just move on.
I'm going to start treatment soon. I believe it will be very beneficial for me. No drugs. Just cognitive and behavioural therapy. Essentially I'm not like most other people and that isn't going to change but I can learn how to function better within the normal world. That's my expectation anyway. I find already that simply understanding and accepting my disorder helps me considerably. Within the context provided by the framework of this disorder I can analyze and understand my own feelings and behaviours. What previously seemed erratic and stupid now seems like obvious and identifiable patterns of behaviour. And patterns of behaviour can be de-constructed.
I'm probably the happiest person ever to be diagnosed with a mental illness. I spent so long trying and failing to be normal. Turns out I first had to accept that I'm not. Now I can maybe do something about it.
Why am I posting this? Well, it's difficult to explain. I've spent my whole life trying to make people think I'm normal and doing fine when really that's never been the case. Now I'm actually doing something about it and I find it beneficial to put away the shame and the stigma and confidently tell people this is what I have and this is what I'm working on. Not hiding my problem is part of my personal process towards improvement. In a way I am tempted to equate it to coming out, but I wouldn't want to imply that homosexuality is in any way a disorder. I simply mean I find it highly liberating to finally be honest and tell people this is who I am.
So yeah. For all of you who always suspected I was nuts, yep, I kinda am. And I'm ok with that.
All thoughts and comments are very welcome.
“Today a young man on acid realized that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration, that we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves.” – Bill Hicks