There was a time in my younger years where music, (although a significant influence as sonic stimulation was all around me) offered me no comfort or wisdom in how to ease the journey of life, not did it offer any tool to combat the obstacles life inevitably pukes our way. The only constant effect it could have is to get one verse or the first line of a chorus stuck in my head looping over and over till it feels like the repeating riff will eventually infect my soul with the cheesiness of its tune. All this because a King Pie Van driving past’s hooter happens to be the same note that triggeres the subconscious play button to start your repeating never quite as clear sounding as the radio brain glitch.
it is because of this lack of value and purpose music offered me, that the first time I heard the sonic SEX that is the early offspring I absolutely…Didn’t like it at all and tried my best to ignore it and not get it stuck in my head…HOWEVER. Constant Roommate induced blaring of it over the only source of sound in an afternoon eventually gets your brain familiar to the structure and eventual next note the songs have. You start…. TO REMEMBER it. And then it is when it drills itself into your mind. And starts to loop. Now you have this new band with a new song infecting your conscious, and it repeats itself until….
It happens. You get this animilistic urge to listen to it. Its catchy tune has now raped you into intrigue. And listening to the song is the only solution your brains deems valid.
It is then, the first time you hear an Offspring song and know what is coming that you feel it. The difference between all that you’ve heard before and this new energy injecting its potent and powerful yet soothing mood and mindset manipulator. You suddenly feel something in the groove and energy Offspring is exploding towards you. For the first time ever…. The music gives you….POWER. yet understanding. For the first time you can… Relate. And from there your not only hooked, your fucked. Its integrates itself into your existence and history meaning your DNA has been changed. It now has a little bit of Offspring energy inside it. And after it Cult Claimed my tastes and gave it back integrated. I was now a fan for life. I had no choice. The music had become a part of me and now helps define me.
Well I have certainly stroked the collective accomplishment of a band that personal spoke to me. This doesn’t meant that its for everyone and can offer the same mind medicine to others. Wait… no what am i saying?
Of course it can! Smash is the highest selling Independent Record of all time for a reason. Because its fucking assfuck awesome and any person who has never experienced it not only deserves to live now, but will find the rest of the journey infinitely more insignificant as they have just experiences on of the peaks in life. It don’t get much better than that people. Sorry to share the bad news. A few great nights of sex, a pizza from the fridge the next day after a weekend of binge drinking, Seeing your neighbor trip over a log in his yard and smash his head open.. These are pretty much the only things you have to look forward to in your life. A great event has passed. But that’s what makes music so sexily awesome isn’t it? you can listen to it again. And again. And even again. its beauty can be experienced over and over again. And now you have a tool to enjoy life better with.
Manic Subsidal was started by Grek Kriesel and Bryan Keith Holland in 1984 in Orange County uhhhm, America because they realized after being rejected from a Social Distortion Concert that the only way to continue living is to start their own Social Distortion. However this would have created copyright issues so they started their own band. Soon Kevin Wassermen joined them presumably because we whore large rimmed glasses and could spot things well in well lit large open spaces, but also he was old enough to acquire alcohol and that is the only way two Valedictorian friends were ever gonna experience intoxication. Eventually a 16 year old Drummer Ron Welty Joined and the future ear-orgasm was born. The band name was changed to the Offspring ( of what was never explained ) and a new and unique energy was being created.
Now take into account that Brian was nicknamed Dexter for his IQ was ridiculous even compared to the level lowered IQ individuals like Einstein and He-Man. Considering that his IQ is said to be about 170, He has a Ph.D. in Molecular Biology and understands the meaning of ginger haired people…
He instead decided to not make the world a better place and cure AIDS and not start work on his recently published Journal “Identification of Human MicroRNA-Like Sequences Embedded within the Protein-Encoding Genes of the Human Immunodeficiency Virus”. No. He is going to join a punk band, tour, jam and live. And if you can give up a brighter future for mankind that came from your gift you can use to help….to play guitar drink beer and jam for a living then I implore you sir, and would vote for you if you ran for the Prime Minister of Earth.
Two fantastically garage toned yet orgasmically energised albums that didnt gain much attention were released, regardless if they actually were two of the greatest albums ever. The album that put them on the map was Smash. Released by Epitaph it instantly charted and showed the world that its genitals were bigger smoother and more significant than any other punk/grudge band before… And that all previous and future Punk./grudge efforts from now on would never compare , not be worthy and should have time wasted on. It was perfect in every way. Every second of it stroking your soul with a warm blanket of awesome and comfort and from now on even the nightly beating from your landlady wouldnt be able to change the sludgy groove imbedded into your existence now.
Offspring followed with Ixnay on the Hombre in 1997 which had a far more punky pop tone yet still had some songs that would destroy all Green day fans within a 300 meter radius. Ixnay was then evolved into what should of been the next Offspring Album which would of been produced by Vinnie Paul of Pantera. Vinnie Paul didn’t end up producing the album as the record label was scared it would be too heavy and naturally too awesome for them to comprehend. Never ever make a too awesome album of course because it changes Saturns orbit around the sun and this causes strange weather in Sweden. Nevertheless the album that did eventually surface was no meek accomplishment. Sure its not Panteraspring but it was a heavy well toned energetic as a pigeon on ephedrine and contained some of the Offspring best work. Pay the man. No brakes. Have you ever. And of course Americana. Some of the greatest songs ever written containing larger penises than anything around it and fundamentally changing the way the universe will continue forever. By changing its drift by 3 degrees West. Yes people they had done it. They had made something that will last forever. They created an attitude and mindset that could speak to us and motivate us forever.
The Final chapter in this great yet mysteriously vanished band was the peak of their achievement. The culmination of all they’re awesomeness and experience into the ultimate package with a fucking cool album cover. Conspiracy of one. And Sadly. And suddenly. The Offspring were kidnapped late one night from a Motel room in Albuquerque and were never heard from again. There are rumors and fake material floating around stating that Ron Welty had left the band and that they have created 3 other albums since. But I assure you THIS IS NOT TRUE. In 2000 the Offspring vanished and anything else carrying that label since is fake material created by Terrorists who are funded by U2 worshiping hippies whose sole agenda is to DEFACE THE GOOD NAME OF OFFSPRING. And so the chapter of one of the Innovators closes. A band that although never used complex riffs, scales or difficult songs to portray their message. They used fucking shit awesome energy to blow our mind cocks out of this world and forever make us the OFFSPRING OF THE OFFSPRING.