after a period of 5.5 years of not having spoken to each other, I ran into a girl online that I know from the symphonic orchestra we used to play in. it was on a friendsite like Facebook, or whatever, except it's Dutch (not like it matters). we started talking, but since I was hurrying to get to a performance, I had to keep it short. she asked where we'd be playing & turned out it was in her neighbourhood. she came to check us out & I noticed something distinctively different about her.
she was like an island, whether we talked or she was just sitting there, she made absolutely no contact at all, none. when approaching her, since I hadn't seen her in 5.5 years, she showed absolutely nothing. she turned her head from side to side, moved it like she was going through the motions, to give me the socially obligated three kisses. it's not unusual for people to get bored with the shallowness of expected social behavior, with politeness & courtesies, but this was creepy scary robot-style with a soft approving moan between every kiss I planted on each of her cheeks.
next time we talked (online), I asked her about it, about if there was something going on that had changed her so much & what had happened to her in the past 5.5 years. I kind of just wanted an update, but one a bit more elaborate than; "hey, it's cool, I've graduated, done stuff & go to college now".
well, I got one.
first we started updating each other on what's happened all those years; her dad died, I figured that could possibly make a person pretty distant, so after a while we moved on to more recent updates & thoughts.. we got into these great conversations about everything & nothing at all. music, religion, politics, love - you name it. after sending massive messages back & forth (& I should've known there was something wrong, when someone sends me messages of the same length I send to her), slowly it becomes very, very clear this girl has developed serious psychoses. not just any episode of psychosis, but psychoses with the complete package; paranoid thoughts, incomplete & incorrect memories, delusions.. hell, if I had any voice in diagnosing anyone, I'd say she's schizophrenic as can be.
seriously, you people may find it funny & perfectly suitable to call certain boardmembers delusional from time to time.. it's not funny when somebody actually IS delusional.
at the time, although I suspected something was seriously wrong, the news still managed to catch me off guard. I found myself being interested in her condition, something I at the same time felt guilty for, & I got mildly worried. just mildly, because one can't get that worried over someone she hasn't seen or spoken in over 5 years, without having spent a single thought on her. appears our conversations ran so deep, she starts to trust me & tell me more & more. you can take it like a compliment, but in the mean time my worry grows with every message I get & my interest slowly switches with every message to even more worry. I've reached the point now, I'm scared to ask her any question about her condition at all, for the fear of unchaining something I definitely don't want to unchain.
I sent an e-mail to her doctor, who finally agreed to send her through to mental health care, but the bastards released her again & now she's sending me these messages about how her voices are tormenting her. & I'm here, in Amsterdam, with about as much knowledge & experience on this as a golfball, & she thinks I'm freaking God for some reason, because I have a brain in my head & enjoy a good conversation. I've already told her a million times I can't help her & that I'll help her to find someone who can. I've told her I never meant to raise any expectations, that this was something I didn't know about before we started talking, but then she only sends me back messages with things like; "merry christmas" at the end. she says her voices respect me, both of them, & possibly underestimate me as their opponent.
not only am I just worried about the girl overall, now I feel somewhat responsible for her condition, because unknowingly I stirred things up, digged things out & if I don't do something quickly, I disappoint her on top. & who knows what will be the effect of that. this week I received an e-mail from one her voices, saying she can't be reached through telephone, because they've decided to take over, even signed with the voice his name. she must've been told to write me that, or this is getting a really complicated case with a mixture of multiple personality disorder. I forwarded the e-mail to her doc to see what she thinks. yesterday I received a text saying; "31, 32 ev." is there ANYONE that can think of what this code might mean?
oh wait, I just thought of a possibility myself. maybe it's bookpages. I'll check on that later. anyway.. is there anyone here, anyone at all, that has some experience with schizophrenia? any severe mental illness would be close enough at this point. just tell me about it, please.