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Thread: Rate (original) lyrics thread

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  1. #1
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    Default Rate (original) lyrics thread

    Hey.
    I don't know if anybody else here likes to compose / needs help with their lyrics. I know I do so I thought I'd post mine right here.

    1. This is going to be on the BBS tape (I hope)... spoiler alert! lol
    2. I'm not a native English speaker so I probably made a lot of mistakes
    3. CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM VERY WELCOME - but please don't call my lyrics shit unless you give a reason. Also, trying to be nice - very not welcome If you don't like something about the lyrics, just tell me, I'm not that kind of guy who'd feel offended by that.

    Alright this is a song called Turn away (no, I did not copy Come out swinging lol!). It's more of a NOFX-style song than an Offspring-style song so it doesn't really have verses, or a chorus.

    I actually think I tried too hard with this one... way to many metaphors and shit going on right here. But yesterday I was very angry, I couldn't get stuff out of my head so I decided to spill it on paper.

    Enough crap. Here come the lyrics (of course, not final):

    Turn away


    Once gotten in there it won’t get out
    This one thing that’ll keep roaming around in your mind
    Late at night yet clear as at day
    You wish you could, wish you could just turn away

    When there’s just water under the bridge
    When the demons of the past are starting to itch
    Shattered horizons, constant perplexities
    Forgetting being the greatest amenity

    Trapped in a vicious circle
    I tied a knot I can’t undo
    Reckless deeds in a battle
    It’s all just doom and gloom

    As deep as a lake full of calamities
    Preserving all unwanted memories
    I must’ve taken a dive into that water
    Blissfully like a lamb to the slaughter

    Pull the trigger full of change
    With the hopes rearranged
    Still with smile hiding pain
    Still just wishing to turn away

    I believe one day I’ll drop the chains
    The day of efforts not going in vain
    I believe that day, I believe that day
    I... I will turn away!

  2. #2
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    Very nice. I like both the reflective and bitter emotions in these lyrics.

  3. #3
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    You are a good lyricist.

  4. #4
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    Default Nine Lives

    Nine Lives

    Sullen eyes, stung by the sunrise
    Crestfallen lovers, under ominous skies
    We lost our immortality today
    Nine lives withered, and faded away

    Precious memories of passion and romance
    Wrapped in beautifully decorated cocoons
    Safe from the bitterness of regret
    And from being devoured, by the cruelty of time

    Leeches lurking in sultry eyes
    They covet intensely, and rarely compromise
    I want to hear it crackle, and smell the cinders
    Incarnate illusions, behind benevolent smiles

    Exiled connoisseur, of forbidden pleasures
    Scarlet letters carved in flesh
    Exploring ancient catacombs of the unconscious
    Searching for past lives and forgotten lovers
    Scattered throughout the sands of time

    Piecing together fragmented memories
    And mysterious dreams, veiled in shadows
    Channeling abstract, and elusive sensations
    To stimulate senses, no longer aroused
    By the narrow spectrum of consciousness

    Scavenging the obscure corners
    Of the aficionadoís abandoned wasteland
    Looking for the path to serenity
    Tired legs and weary eyes wishing
    To be home in your heart

  5. #5
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    Thanks a lot! But now I'm thinking, my lyrics sound sorta emo. I don't like this fact :/ I will try to write more positive songs in the future.

    Nine lives:
    I have to say you did an impressive job. Seriously, you made me actually like lyrics about love and I'm a die-hard lovesong hater I really like the metaphores.

  6. #6
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    Thanks a lot! But now I'm thinking, my lyrics sound sorta emo. I don't like this fact :/ I will try to write more positive songs in the future.

    Yeah, just keep trying to expand your horizons as a writer/lyricist: emo, positive, negative, angry, questioning, etc. My favorite writers and lyricists can explore all different types of ideas and emotions.

    Nine lives:
    I have to say you did an impressive job. Seriously, you made me actually like lyrics about love and I'm a die-hard lovesong hater I really like the metaphores.

    Thanks, I have always been a big fan of metaphors myself. I think a lot of love songs get boring because they are one dimensional, it's either: I love you but I can't have you, heartbreak, I love you and I am so happy, or I lost you/the one that got away. I think most relationships are more complex, and that people are both victims and villains, in terms of love and relationships. For example, I have had my heartbroken, yet I have broken other people's hearts. I have been treated badly, yet I can be a bit of a bastard myself. I think it's interesting to lyrically explore where these things intersect. Anyways, thanks for the kind feedback.

    - Jason

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by mspunk13 View Post

    Turn away


    Once it's in there it'll never leave
    This one thing thatíll keep roaming around in your mind
    Late at night yet clear as (should be "during the", but might be too long) day
    You wish you could, wish you could just turn away

    When thereís just water under the bridge
    When the demons of the past are starting to itch
    Shattered horizons, constant perplexities
    Forgetting being the greatest amenity

    Trapped in a vicious circle
    I tied a knot I canít undo did you mean to switch from "you" to "I"?
    Reckless deeds in a battle
    Itís all just doom and gloom

    As deep as a lake full of calamities
    Preserving all unwanted memories
    I mustíve taken a dive into that water
    Blissfully like a lamb to the slaughter

    Pull the trigger full of change
    With the hopes rearranged
    Still with smile hiding pain
    Still just wishing to turn away

    I believe one day Iíll drop the chains
    The day of efforts not going in vain
    I believe that day, I believe that day
    I... I will turn away!
    So my two cents... I changed some grammar in bold... but I think your English is overall really good. My only real comment is that most of the song sounds like you're trying to force bigger words to sound deeper, but it ends up coming across more vague and generic. I sense the overall theme, but it kind of just skids and slides all over the place, never making any real point.

    My biggest suggestion would be to not try to make it rhyme. I often find that to be a huge hindrance when writing songs in a language that's not your native tongue. Try to be natural, and just write what flows instead of trying to make it sound poetic. I think you've got potential, and I'm interested to see what you write in the future Also, don't take my comments too seriously... just my own perspective.
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  8. #8
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    Thanks for writing that... because that's EXACTLY how I feel about my lyrics.

    To cut it short: I try too hard and everyone can tell.

    I try too hard with the rhymes, the metaphores and all those big words. And sometimes I know that my sentences are gramatically incorrect, but hey, they have to rhyme, right? Sometimes I want to write about something but it comes out too straightforward, so I have to make it sound deep and complicated, right?

    Well, I'm done with ALL of that.

    From now on, I will focus on just writing what flows instead of trying to make it sound poetic because that's really what I feel I should do.

    Thanks for the tips, and thanks for saying that my English is good
    Last edited by mspunk13; 02-22-2010 at 03:12 PM.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by mspunk13 View Post
    Thanks for writing that... because that's EXACTLY how I feel about my lyrics.

    To cut it short: I try too hard and everyone can tell.

    I try too hard with the rhymes, the metaphores and all those big words. And sometimes I know that my sentences are gramatically incorrect, but hey, they have to rhyme, right? Sometimes I want to write about something but it comes out too straightforward, so I have to make it sound deep and complicated, right?

    Well, I'm done with ALL of that.

    From now on, I will focus on just writing what flows instead of trying to make it sound poetic because that's really what I feel I should do.

    Thanks for the tips, and thanks for saying that my English is good
    I also had this problem when I started writing lyrics. I always had a hard time choosing the right words in order make it sound deep and mostly it ended up sounding ridiculous cause it was either too simple or too poetic, but I learned to avoid this(I think). Anyway, keep writing lyrics and you'll learn by doing. It's perfectly normal to have some troubles with writing lyrics when english is not your mother tongue
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  10. #10
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    I don't personally enjoy writing lyrics - generally they just work as a companion to a song idea more than driving the song itself, but I can't imagine trying to separate them from the song.

    Cadence is everything in lyrics, and especially when I get frustrated with a line I like to change it up in ways that aren't immediately apparent when reading. Let's say I've started rhyming AABBAACC in lines - that gets old really fast and I start feeling like a rhyming dictionary is my only recourse. Often I prefer to just hold a pause on the end of the line so that I can avoid a rhyme altogether, like AABBA-CC or something, and these are things that don't really transfer well when they're only written.

    EDIT - though it might be because my lyrics suck.
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