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Thread: I am in an awkward situation with my girlfriend...

  1. #1
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    Unhappy I am in an awkward situation with my girlfriend...

    It appears she doesn't want to have sex anymore. I feel weird and stupid addressing this kind of issue to the forum, but I feel even weirder when I think about talking about this with my close acquaintances, but well, this issue has been wandering in my mind for some weeks now, so, maybe if I post it here I can clarify this situation in my head...

    Well, these are the antecedents: my girlftriend and I met and started dating 10 months ago and then became bf and gf like a couple of months after that, and things were going pretty well (still are, with its ups and downs), we had sex a couple of weeks after we formalized the relationship and then we did it periodically, which was great, after that we both talked about our experience and likes and that stuff, she was actively sexual, with her old bf's and some other encounters with other people, me with my past gf and several one night stands, point is, she was more active than me sexually and as aknowledged by her, she liked sex and fooling around and she was quite precocious, so our sex life was great, but it's been like 4 months since we stopped having sex regularly, having an average of one or two encounters per month, or less.

    Now, there are some factors in this ecuation, we used to have sex mostly in my home, but since mother kicked me out until I got a serious job or was in school (yes, I'm 24 and haven't finished college and lived with my mom and sis), and she took a semester off, so she had nothing to do and I was between jobs, se we saw each other a lot and used to have too much sex, wich was good. Then, with the same circumstances, sex was becoming less frequent, but it was fine, because not everything in a relationship is sex, but I noticed the frequence was decreasing, so I asked what was wrong, or what had changed, and she said nothing, everything was perfect and she loved me, but she had not much sex drive, that it was normal and it had happened to her before, but now that I think about it, it's been like that since then, but now dramatically less, because as aI said before, I'm not at home anymore and she is now studying. But well, when we see each other, you can manage to at least have a quicky, because you haven't seen your partner and you miss him/her, and you are young and hot for the other and like to share that experience with the beloved one, but it's not that way...

    Ok, maybe she can be tired, or with other things in her mind, and it's fine, it's not like she has to provide me a service, but I miss that part of the relationship... yes, sometimes she asks me if I wanna do it, because she feels like it, but I don't know, I can sense something, it's the general mood, I don't know how to explain it, I just know.

    I trust she is not cheating on me, because she is a 19 yr old, lives with her parents and she can't drive because her parents grounded her car for a year, and thei are overprotective and she doesn't go freely wherever she wants, anyway, that's not the problem. In recent days I've asked her if it was me, if she didn't find me attractive anymore or whatever, and she has told me that it's not that, it's just that she doesn't feel "fit" for having sex (not fit of "fitness", though she has gained a little weight and she feels fat), and that she feels that she started having sex too young and she liked it, but now she thinks she's had too much and it's not her time for having sex, and I tell her that ok, but she is in a relationship with a man that loves her, cherishes her, looks out for her, respects her in every way and all that, and she is supposedly in love and should be all around me, like I do with her.

    Don't get me wrong, the other aspects of our relationship are fine, though we've had some difficulties in the past because of some behaviours she has had that I don't support, or that have affected me, or some issues she has had when I had to comfort her, ragarding her friends and parents, or her stupid ex bf who is a dick and hates her (long story, but please don't coment about this particular issue, it would deserve another thread and it does not worry me because we've talked about it and she is over that and I am a very serious person). Some highlights are that she used to have sex with him because she felt it was the only way she could connect with that idiotic kid who mistrated her.

    Anyways, my english is rusty and I have so many things in my head regarding this topic, and there is so much to be said, but I would like that aspect of our relationship to come back... I really don't know what to do, wait for her appetite to come back, talk about it...

    An hour ago I expressed her my feelings toward it, she recognized her lack of interest in having sex and she said she didn't know why she didn't want to do it like when we were meeting each other, then I started to go deeper and she got a bit mad and asked me not to put preassure on her, I told her I wasn't, she responded that I was trying to fix it and that I would like it to be like before, I said that I wasn't trying to fix anything, that I just wanted to understand and that maybe yes, I would like it to be more often, and that maybe we could or should talk about it, but she told me she didn't want to think or talk about it, and that it was only sex and it wasn't an issue, or was it? I told her it wan't, but after this point, I'm not sure what to do, I could let it go, but what if she doesn't want to have sex at all anymore? I am a man and I like her a lot, since I met her I feel like a teen again, all those hormones came back... I really really want to be with her, and I really really want to express my urges towards her... I'm lost now, so, any questions/ideas/suggestions that would help me clarify this in my head and/or help me get in the shag again?

    Sorry for the long post, I intended it to be very shorter, but all these words came out... please read my thread!!
    Last edited by Lord Phidias; 02-17-2012 at 12:22 AM.
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  2. #2
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    Here is how I see this:

    What do you want more ? Sex or being with her ?

    Because we can talk for hours about potential reasons she wouldn't want to have sex as often as she used to but the fact is : she doesn't want to have sex as often as she used to and if you pressure her (which you do, even if you don't feel like you do), you are going to end up losing her.

    But the reason is clear when I read your message: Indeed, it has nothing to do with you. I think most girls (please, other people of the said gender, correct me if I'm wrong) needs an empty head to really enjoy sex. And it seems to me that your girlfriend, currently, simply doesn't. So rather than having a lot of sex and not loving it all the time, she chooses the right time.

    The variable that changed before and after is : time. Less time, less sex.
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  3. #3
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    Maybe there is something she is afraid of. Try to find the key to her thoughts about it and about you. As you say, her parents are overprotective... Maybe they have been the "creators" of this.
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  4. #4
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    Could be all or could be nothing ...

    - She just doesn't want to have sex because she gained some weight.
    - The "first thrill" is gone.
    - Sex is not her No1 at the moment ...
    - Could be her way of "goodbye" without actually saying goodbye and you breaking up sooner or later.

    And yeah, sure, talking again and again and trying to find reasons is "pushing".

    Just give it some time and see what happens.
    Last edited by samseby; 02-17-2012 at 07:00 AM.

  5. #5
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    Harley's right. Don't be a prick just because you want to put your Mr. Peeper in her hoo-hoo-dilly. Consider what is more important to you. If you really care about the girl, show it. Don't badger her about sex. At that age, she has an insane amount of thoughts flying through her head. She doesn't need another wrench thrown in.

    Then again, if you just want to fuck, break up with her and slam some random bar-slut. Whichever is more important to you, do it. Relationship? Commit. Hanky panky? Take a trip to Plow Town with a stranger. More power to you, man. Be confident in the decision you make. Otherwise, you'll second guess yourself and be a little bitch. And that could lead to HER breaking up with YOU or you cheating on her and lying about it.

    Don't be a dick. Commit or Plow Town. Just be honest and pick one.
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  6. #6
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    First of all, I don't know you, but from this post, you're giving signs of being a pretty good boyfriend. You care enough to try to figure out what's going on with her, and it seems that you're motivated by more than just having sex - it's surely a factor, but you seem concerned about her well-being, which is great.

    That said, in all your kindness and concern, my top piece of advice would be to back off. Most people absolutely would not want to have it brought up a lot, because it makes them feel pressured and even like you're upset about it (no matter how you word it, no matter your intentions... if she's already stressing about something, it'll just add to it). I'd recommend not asking her about it for at least a month, and only having sex with her when she asks. If she feels pressured at all, it could very, very well push her away to a point where she *does* break up just because she's overwhelmed.

    It doesn't sound to *me* like she wants to break up, but I only know your account, and obviously I'm not there and don't know either of you. But from what you've said, it doesn't sound at all like she wants to break up. Not having sex when things seem otherwise to be going well is usually not a sign of that. Like Harley said, sex for women is quite a mental thing. I don't know how often it's like that for men, but in my personal experience, I know that when I'm stressed about something or my mind is elsewhere/distracted, I go through a serious dry spell. Just can't get in the mood or anything.
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  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by ilovellamas View Post
    That said, in all your kindness and concern, my top piece of advice would be to back off. Most people absolutely would not want to have it brought up a lot, because it makes them feel pressured and even like you're upset about it (no matter how you word it, no matter your intentions... if she's already stressing about something, it'll just add to it). I'd recommend not asking her about it for at least a month, and only having sex with her when she asks. If she feels pressured at all, it could very, very well push her away to a point where she *does* break up just because she's overwhelmed.
    Probably the only advice you should take.
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  8. #8
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    It is difficult to give good advice on this because any conclusions we may draw are based solely on your perspective but up to this point I agree wholeheartedly with llamas. Don't put pressure on her, don't ask what's wrong or if she still loves you, don't try to go out of your way to make things the way they were before. Try not to create problems where there aren't any. It never worked for me. Plus if she's only 19, then she's still really young and there might be a lot of things going on in hear head. Maybe she feels lost, but that doesn't have to mean she doesn't want you anymore even if she doesn't want to have sex with you that often. Perhaps she's come to realize that sex isn't the most important aspect of a healthy relationship or she's simply not in the mood (maybe she's worried about something and she doesn't want to tell you). People go through different phases in their lives and their priorities change as well over time. A serious relationship can't be built around sex. Anyhow, the way I see it, give her some space for now, try not to control her, do your best in everything else and just see how it goes. Save your relationship while it still can be saved. Don't try to push the limits to see how far they'll go.

  9. #9
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    The only "awkward situation" is that you're 24 and you're dating a teenager.

    Everyone who posted before me is wrong. You're 24 years old, unemployed with no prospect of ever being employed, you're basically homeless, and you're wondering why a teenage girl is turning cold on you? It's because she's maturing into an adult and is figuring out that you're one of those creepy guys who dates teenagers because women your own age aren't stupid enough to let you put anything in them.

  10. #10
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    How the fuck did I miss that when reading this.
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    I don't think I'm like this anymore, though many on this forum might think otherwise.
    As I've grown up some. back in the day. I even use myself as an example. reflected on things that happened in the past. I have a better understanding of things now. At least I can admit it now. I have somehow caused this situation by mentioning how I used to act on here. how I've changed. I'm a relatively normal poster now

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