I often find myself believing my own preferences in foods to be cold, hard facts, even if it's a weird thing that no one else likes (which it often is). So here is my patented guide to eating well. The Treez way. The only way. If you have your own preferences that you wish to share, please do so.
Ketchup is the most worthless, vile condiment of all time. No one above the age of 6 has an excuse to eat ketchup under almost any circumstances whatsoever. Especially not on burgers, sandwiches, or hot dogs, but what most people don't understand is that it's not even OK on french fries. Doesn't matter what kind of fries they are; ketchup is horrible on them. Opt for barbecue sauce (and not Kraft or some bullshit brand) or mustard instead. If they're shoestring fries then there's nothing better than drenching them in a mild pepper sauce to the point where they're somewhat soggy, and then eating them with a fork and knife. Trust me on that. The only thing that ketchup is ever acceptable on is tater tots, and that's just because they suck if they're dry, and nothing else goes on them.
Cooked carrots are also an abomination. Especially those zig-zaggy cooked carrots that pollute otherwise edible Chinese mixed vegetable dishes (pick those the fuck out). And they also suck if served in those disgusting cylindrical shapes alongside some bland chicken and mashed potatoes as a part of some white American family home-cookin' dish. The only time cooked carrots are acceptable is as an ingredient in soup. They go well in many chicken broth-based soups, but only if there are noodles and other vegetables. Thinly shredded cooked carrots can be good in Vietnamese soups, too. Otherwise, avoid them. Raw carrots are awesome, though, especially if thinly shredded and chilled.
Know what's a pretty good healthy snack? Green onions. Just wash them and chomp on several stalks at once. It's not bad if you drink water while doing it. You know how people get sort of hooked on the pleasant tingle of sour or spicy foods after they eat them enough to get used to it? It works for bitter stuff like onions too, but most people don't bother trying it. Go for green onions though because they're mild, sweet, and easy to eat with no prep. Mexicans eat them as "cebollitas" with salt and lime juice, but they're good even without that, plus they are freakishly nutritious and surprisingly filling.
The best drunken hot dog from a drunken hot dog stand I've ever had was topped with potato salad, crushed potato chips, mustard, ranch, Old Bay seasoning, and hot sauce. Like most awesome drunken hot dog stand combinations, it sounds disgusting until you try it. Mmmmmm. (A typical New York spicy-mustard-and-sauerkraut dog, plus cheese and soy sauce mixed with hot sauce, is an even more disgusting-sounding runner-up, but I maintain that both are fucking delicious).
The greatest vegetables of all time are roasted poblano peppers. You can blend them with sour cream or Mexican sweet cream and make great sauces for chicken, stuff them with rice and beans, or just melt a little cheese on them and eat them as they are. Magical.
Mushrooms should be sauteed in vermouth. Unless you're serving them with Italian food or something like that.
Pasta should only be boiled for one minute less than the minimum time suggested on the package. Max. If it's still too crunchy to eat after that, then your stove just sucks.
Salad dressing is for losers. Instead just douse your greens with lemon juice and olive oil, and a little salt and pepper. If it complements the other stuff you're eating, you can skip the salt and pepper and add a not-too-thick teriyaki sauce instead. Teriyaki sauce is also a must on kale salad. Oil and vinegar is an OK alternative on a crunchier base like iceberg or romaine, but there's rarely a good reason to base a salad on anything other than spinach, mesclun greens, or kale.
Overly salty foods are like women with really big tits. I technically like it. My gut reaction is, "mmm, that's good shit." But I'm being served that food at a restaurant, after a little while, though I still enjoy it at a sensory level, I'm like "come on, man, anyone can cover their food in salt," and I'll strain to find the actual flavor that I'm supposed to be tasting beneath all that salt, and the salt masks whether it's actually good or not. When I'm initially distracted by a woman's massive gazombas, there's a short period of mesmerization, but you snap out of it and realize whether she's actually attractive or not. However, when I make my own food at home, I always taste it before adding salt, and it's usually quite good if it's a recipe I've practiced, but yet I still add a fuckton of salt- way more than I would if I were to serve other people. I like salt. It tastes good. I just don't like it if I don't know or can't tell what else is in the food. I suppose if I were some kind of creepy scientist who designed his own perfect robot woman, she'd be very attractive, but she'd still probably have fairly large breasts. So I guess it makes perfect sense.
I started this post sober and finished it drunk, so there.